Mental Health Hospital (continuation of last post- Medication...)

Note: This is a pretty intense post and I hope people keep an open mind and don’t think too harshly of me for some of my actions. Also it’s a long post, but there’s a lot here that people can learn from. It will hopefully help you see how easy it is for mental health to spiral out of control and why it’s so important to be understanding.

On arrival I was introduced to a few people and shown the room I’d be staying in. I don’t really remember much about that first introduction, but I was impressed by the niceness of the ward. I stayed in my room and pretty much crashed out. Again I don’t really remember much except that I didn’t do much at all. I pretty much stayed in my bed for two weeks I think.

   I was mostly in hospital because of the mental health, but my physical health was terrible as well. They weighed me in the first few days and I was eight stone. This was because I had barely eaten and was being sick a lot. I knew I had probably lost weight, but I hadn’t realised it was so bad. For those first two weeks I was able to rest and do nothing and therefore able to sleep loads. That, plus being empty of most emotions, allowed the anxieties to vanish, even though I’m not exactly sure how it worked. Over the first two weeks I managed to get my appetite back and eat a bit, but I was very very depressed. There just felt like no hope at all, but I tried to get better and get my health sorted. I do remember each day was a massive effort. This was a mixture of depression and the physical health and fatigued. I remember having to crawl to the shower and spend nearly an hour trying to wash.

   Eventually the initial exhaustion wore off and I was back to a relatively okay state. I had managed to put weight back on and by the end of the second week I was socialising on the ward with the other patients and staff. Despite appearing a bit better I still had no hope for the future and every time I thought about the future I couldn’t see any chance for improvement, or more specifically- the time and effort it was going to take to try and achieve my goals was more than I could give. Such patience and balance just goes against who I am and who I want to be. I’ve tried over the past five years to be that way and it just didn’t work. So this pattern of trying, and it not working, had rooted itself in my head so I was convinced it was never going to get better. It’s just a natural mental response to the pattern I guess. When there’s a pattern that occurs so many times you expect it to stay the same. This became a barrier and I was convinced there was no point. It led to overwhelming suicidal thoughts, yet again, and I tried to fight it but couldn’t. Plus I was feeling numb to everything else and the past barriers of family and friends, which usually kept the extreme depression at bay, was completely gone. I won’t say what I did, but it was pretty disturbing. I wish I was stronger and could share a story of complete triumph and resilience, but with my mental and physical health so battered at that point in time it was just too easy for me to break under the pressures of my depression.

Once again I felt no regret or remorse. In hindsight this should really have been a sign that something far deeper than the initial health and anxiety problems were going on. I was too messed up to see what was going on, and even though I was in a mental health hospital it was far too complex for the staff to see the big picture that was going on. Especially when they had so many other patience to deal with; and there’s also the fact they didn’t know me well enough to see how messed up and uncharacteristic the detached behaviour was. I could never fault them. The nurses are/were incredible. I couldn’t have asked for better support or care, and I owe them more than I can ever repay.

   At the end of the day, it’s my own responsibility to make my choices and keep my behaviour in check. However, it was too late to see the consequence of all the years of building up walls and defences, and after the Sertraline overdose I think I finally switched that logic/emotion balance I’ve spoken of so often to the logic extreme. I think to protect myself from various other emotional pains over the years I’d built up the walls and this was effecting my ability to feel remorse or guilt for my actions. The problem was I no longer had any emotional attachment to the world around me and it was getting worse day by day.

I was put on watch for 24 hours and then once again I tried to fix my behaviour. It lasted a few days, but once again the same pattern of despair was there. I did my best though and pushed through as I was waiting for the endoscopy. The endoscopy happened and it came back as everything fine. This was a complete shock to me. I couldn’t understand how this could be when I felt the way I felt in my throat and stomach. It was like someone had told me the colour purple was actually red. My mind caved in on itself and I stopped eating and just wanted all the confusion and pain to end. I was just beyond fed up. I lay in bed for two days in my own head, listening to music and audiobooks too. At the end of the two days my mind tried to understand how the endoscopy could have come back as normal. But being so mentally messed up by this point my mind invented a really wakkadoodle theory that I believed a hundred percent.

   The theory goes something a bit like this- That I had experienced everything I needed to over my life and because I couldn’t actually help anyone the way I wanted, or even myself, I had nothing left to give this world. My mind said that was okay though as I had done so well under such pressures at I’d experienced and it was now time for me to move on to the next stage of my existence through not eating. Writing it down now seems very strange, but at the time I completely believed it. I also believed that this experience was not real. I had become so detached that the only way my mind could understand things was to see this life like a test and like a computer game. That this environment and experience was a fictitious construct designed to teach me all that I needed to learn before death, and I had reached that point and time. The learning I had achieved had needed to be a spectrum of emotion (how I was as a child/teen) to the complete opposite of logic and no emotion (how I’ve been changing since the health struggles to the extreme I now was). When this thought took root I believed it and continued to resist food and took minimal drink.

   I also felt true to myself and who I wanted to be for the first time in a long time. I felt that the last five years of trying to be balanced and patient and having to make sure I didn’t do too much was just not me as a person. I’m the type of person who wants to be busy and active and achieve things but I couldn’t do it the way I wanted because of my limitations, and I just don’t/didn’t feel I’m being true to me and who I want to be by being this way.

    I planned to let myself fade to nothing, as I had done all that was required, and soon the pain would be over with one last test of not eating. After a few days it became a struggle to put up with everyone’s constant effort to get me to eat or drink more, but I continued to resist. I actually also felt a lot lot better in regards to my health and I didn’t feel sluggish and fatigued the way I have for the last five years. It was actually wonderful to be able to spend a whole day being pretty active and not feel completely drained or need to nap. People continued to try and encourage me to eat and after a while I realised I couldn’t resist much longer so decided to leave the hospital and find somewhere peaceful and quiet to just fade away.   

   I climbed/jumped the back fence and made my way to the train station. I got the first train that arrived and it took me to Cardiff. On this journey I decided it would be nice to find a beach. Once I was in Cardiff I saw Swansea had a beach so made my way there by train. I went to the beach and just lay down and listened to an audiobook. The hours passed in emptiness and eventually evening came. I booked myself into a bed and breakfast and lay on the bed there. As I lay there my mind thought about what I was doing. My thoughts told me I was making it too easy on myself and that after all the hardship I had experienced it was cowardly and wrong of me to run away and make it easy on myself. This thought took root and I switched my phone on and decided to make my way back to the hospital. After a train journey and taxi trip I eventually made it back to the hospital at 1am and I went straight to bed.

The next day I was still empty and felt no remorse even though I had put my family and friends through hell. I still couldn’t wrap my head around eating food so resisted this still, thinking that in time I would still fade away.  At some point over the next couple of days I had an appointment with my doctor and nurses. The doctor told me I would be discharged in a few days if I didn’t start eating and engaging in getting better. He said I wasn’t trying to get better and need to change. I was a bit confused as deep down I knew there was a lot of messed up things going on in my mind as I tried to deal with my circumstances. Discharging me seemed like the worse thing to do, but I could see his point. That same evening I tried to push myself to eat, but it felt like a failure if I did and I couldn’t do it. I lay in my bed and tried to understand why I was so messed up and doing what I was doing. The why was the most important thing, because if I could figure that out maybe I could fix it.

   It took many hours of fighting various contradictory ways of thinking and thought patterns, but eventually I thought about something I’ve mentioned in a previous post. I thought about my emotions and how I didn’t feel them anymore. That my emotions were the strongest barrier against the depression because I would project how my family would feel if I wasn’t around and that was always the strongest barrier. I realised that until I got that back I was still going to feel empty and not part of this world and want to give into the depression.  

   I clung to this thought and realised I had to get my emotions back somehow. Eventually I fell asleep. The next day I thought more about tapping back into my emotions and realised the idea of a punch bag and allowing myself to vent might be a good start. This also gave me thoughts of trying to fight and accept my circumstances again so I thought about eating. I realised the hospital wouldn’t let me attempt my venting unless I was healthier. I spoke to a couple of nurses and explained my theory and willingness to try this. They agreed it was certainly worth a try. So digging deep, and fighting against the feelings that I was failing some kind of test, I began eating again.

I took it slow and within a day began to feel sluggish and sick again. This was frustrating as it had been so nice not to feel this way for the ten days I hadn’t eaten. Granted, towards the end of those ten days I was feeling weak, but it had been nice not to feel sick and tired. I fought against the urge to not eat and just napped when I needed to and accepted the mild nausea. The desires to fight grew some more and I clung onto the idea that it was better to eat and feel sick etc than let the depression win. It was also hard though because the whole point in me controlling my emotions and being logical over the years etc was so the sickness and exhaustion that came from expressing negative emotions like sadness, guilt etc wouldn’t happen. I had to use the same thought, ‘that it better to feel the emotions and be sick etc than to be detached and giving into the depression.’

   The first real instance of letting myself express and feel my emotions was when my parents came to visit a few days later. What they said was harsh and fare, but full of love. I focused on resisting the automatic response of blocking my negative emotions and letting myself feel guilty and sad for what I had done, and rightly so. I was able to cry and express some sorrow after they left. The next day I did feel very sick and this was annoying as it reminded me why I had tried to limit and control those emotions in the first place. It’s so much easier not to feel those negative emotions, but has obviously gone too far and it has caused some very disturbing problems. With this done I did start to feel more rooted and connected to things around me for some reason, and because of that I now have some idea of how to go about unravelling the really messed up stuff that developed since the Sertraline overdose. If I can get some more of that emotional attachment sorted I can go back to perhaps figuring out the other health stuff as that is obviously still there at the end of the day.

  

(Written 28-6-15) I didn’t get to use the punch bag, it just never happened, but I have been letting myself feel more of those negative emotions and it has helped root me back to people and life, and connected/anchored me to the things that are important. It’s not been easy though, as I’ve felt more anxious since feeling these emotions, more tired, more sick and not sleeping as well as I was. This makes me want to slip back to the detachment, but I have to make I don’t. The most important thing at this stage is making sure I rest enough so I can feel better and not slip back to detachment to protect myself, because that’s a worse outcome then the sickness. But I just find it so hard to rest. It’s been about a week and a half of letting more of the emotions out and I’m not feeling physically well, but emotionally more connected. For example today (28-06-15) my brother, his wife, kids and my nana came to my parents and we had a family day. Yesterday I was very apprehensive, as I hadn’t seen them since before my trip to Swansea and I know I had hurt them very much. I made sure I didn’t suppress that guilt and remorse and once again let myself have a cry. The actual day, today, was nice and important as at several points I was sad for what I had put them through, and all that I nearly gave up. That happiness from being with members of my family was always so important to me and on the positive side, I felt that happiness while being able to see my nana, parents and brother and his family. The more time I spend with my parents and family the more I will be able to feel the reality of what I put them through and then be able to feel the emotions I need to and focus on letting them out. In time I’ll hopefully get back to a point I can let that guilt go in a healthy way, but if it keeps me rooted to this life then I’ll always hold onto it in some form or another.       

And that is all the mental and physical health stuff that has happened in the last couple of months. Right now it’s time to try and enjoy the positives of making it through, but embrace the negatives and experience them for what they are, and realise that even negative emotions have their place, which I think I’ll discuss at a later point. So as I was saying, time to focus on the future and the positives. One positive experience here has finding motivation in my writing again and this can be read in my other blog.

   The most positive thing to come from all this is that I now have a support network that understands my health issues; financial support; and a foundation to build upon. This is thanks to my family and the hospital staff, and one nurse in particular who went above and beyond the call of duty to help me out. I owe her and everyone so much. Ultimately, my life has been saved by these people and the staff at the hospital. They gave me the care I needed and the environment that helped me eventually figure out why I felt so detached, and the theory to help it.      

I’m now due to move into my new place (29-6-15) and will have by the time this is posted. I have a new support network with some lovely people and I’m looking forward to building relationships with them. I’ve spent a night in my new home a week before I moved in and it was more difficult than I thought it would be, but I managed to control the anxieties and apprehension of being back in the big bad world. It’s currently the night before I move and I’m both looking forward to moving and not looking forward to moving. But at the end of the day I’m ready as I’ll ever be. It’s going to be hard to leave though, as I’ve made some amazing connections to both patients and staff. I also feel I have a place here because now that I’m a bit better I’ve been able to spend time listening to people and supporting them in little but meaningful ways. I know that when I leave here I’m going to lose that feeling and have to find a new environment where I can find that feeling of contributing to the lives of others in a positive way, but that will come in time. 

(1-7-15) I’ve been in my new house for two days and although some of the anxieties and depression have crept in I’m doing okay. It’s been a busy couple of days and I’m very tired, but once the foundation is sorted it will be time to look for some voluntary work to build up my confidence and find an environment in which I can feel like I’m contributing. 

Medication And The Effects Of Sertraline

18ish/4/15 to 7/5/15

I haven’t written anything in 6/7 weeks due to a lot of problems, but I’ll get to that in another post. I’m having to go back and update things and explain everything fully. The first of which is the effects of the medication, Sertraline, which leads to all that’s happened since.

   The effects from days one: Very spaced out and unable to focus on day one. Day two was like everything had slowed down and I felt in complete control and mellow to everything, this was a nice feeling. The next day this wore off and I had been unable to sleep so was feeling horrible and struggling to stop being sick. Felt very nauseas, even with the anti-sickness medication. Started to get strange feelings on the left side of my face and very heavy on my forehead a lot of the time, like I could fall over from the weight- I’m not sure how much was tiredness or direct side effects.

   On day seven some of those effects listed above had gone. This might be because I slept for about four hours in total, which was an hour more than the previous night. There is a slight increase in heart rate/intensity.

   Day eight very depressed in the morning. Heart rate very intense all day. I phoned the doctor and was told to stop taking for a couple of days then one every other day. Later the tranquil feeling came back and I felt very spaced out.

   The above was written at the time. The following was written on the 13/6/15 in which I’ve tried to recall the order of things that happened.

  The next day, after stopping the Sertraline, I still had a very rapid and strong heartbeat and mixed moods. I lost the peaceful feeling by the next day, but think I still had a fast heartbeat which was getting painful. I actually can’t remember if I kept the medication going or completely stopped it. All I know is I was having the mood swings and by Sunday night I was still not sleeping. I was massively depressed and fed up with all the pain and hopelessness, while also being affected by the medication. I’m sad to say I finally broke again. I took all the Sertraline and sleeping tablets in the hope that I would die. Because of the drugs I don’t remember the next 24 hours but ended up in hospital, although was apparently conscious and talking etc.      

Side Note: Before the overdose the medication clearly had an adverse affect on me, but has not put me off trying other types. I think I got very unlucky with the side effects of the medication, and I encourage people who notice side effects they feel aren’t right to contact their doctor immediately and not to always push through, but perhaps try other medication or methods instead.   

Overdosing again was such a terrible choice, obviously, but in my defence, when in such states the future just looked/looks so hopeless and too hard, especially for a person as weak as I am. The strangest part with the overdose is that I felt no remorse afterwards. In fact I barely felt anything inside. I knew I should feel bad but there was nothing. I had lost my emotions completely, or especially ones I didn’t want to feel i.e guilt, remorse, empathy, and regret. They just weren’t there. Even the anxiety settled down and was replaced by emptiness.

   Over the next couple of days I tried to get better and sort my head out for my families sake, but I couldn’t. One of the toughest things to comprehend was breaking the promise to myself last time, that I wouldn’t try to end my life again. When such a vow is broken it shatters reality a bit, as I question how I can come back from that and I didn’t/don’t know how to come back from it. At the end of those two days I realised I was empty inside and there was something deeply deeply wrong with me. I was still having suicidal thoughts and didn’t know how to stop them anymore. I was afraid I was going to do something so spoke to the doctor. They made an appointment with the mental health crisis team and they came to see me. After a long discussion they suggested I go to the mental health hospital and have the support and help there in a secure environment. I agreed this was for the best. They took me to the hospital and I felt nothing as we were going there. I just knew that for my safety I needed some serious help.

I have been there since the 6/5/15 and will write about the experiences, continued mistakes on my part, and the rays of light amongst it all in the next post.

Recent Experience: Smiling

The acceptance of my situation is very up and down at the moment. One moment I’m all like, okay, I can do this, then the next I’m in a fit of depression wishing I didn’t exist. Every time I do try and fight against the mental and physical health problems I find one of them flaring up and I become over powered. It hasn’t helped that I’m not sleeping or eating, and constantly being sick (Since writing this I've been able to eat a bit better which I'm happy about). I’m trying to get these on track but there’s a lot of factors mixed up together and I’m trying to figure out what is causing what (that’s bad English but you get my meaning I’m sure).

   It’s very hard to know if it’s the physical health, or mental health, or medication that's doing certain things to me. My current objective is to figure this out. I do think I’m starting to get some insight into why I’m so messed up and a lot of it I confess is psychological, at least when it comes to anxieties and panic-attacks, but I’ll probably talk more about that in a following post. That said, I still have a suspicion there are some physical things not accounted for properly, but I guess mental health is a lot to do with chemicals and therefore, physiological. All of that aside, today’s post is about a peculiar experience I had a couple of days ago.

   I was feeling very fatigued and despairing, but decided to literally force a massive smile on my face for a long time. It sounds very silly, but I thought that maybe forcing a positive aura or persona might help in some way. After all, I’ve lost the balance I tried so hard to maintain over the years and it’s tipped negatively, so why not tip it back with the opposing force.

   I’ll confess I’m struggling to know what’s right, whether balance and control is best, or to try and fight with positivity. As I’m about to show, I still think balance and control is best, but I’m starting to see there is a lot more room for expression of all emotions than I’ve sometimes believed.

   So I began my smiling test and it was very challenging. Maintaining a smile for what ended up being hours was hard work. During this time I did have some dramatic changes. For one I did feel a lot happier. It grew and grew and by the time I settled to sleep for the night I was in a strange but beautifully tranquil state. I also noticed that a lot of the tension and horrible stomach feelings had vanished. I was trying not to get ahead of myself and think that suddenly I had found a way to fix myself but it certainly felt like it. I fell asleep in this state, but within an hour I was awake again, wide awake, and unable to get back to sleep without medication to help me.

   On waking up the following morning I felt really depressed and sick. I was so tired and scatter brained that the hope I had from the night before was snuffed out. I tried to get it back but was too exhausted. However, from my little experiment I now value the expression of emotion a little more and the impact it can have on the mental health side of things. As I said, I still think it needs to be balanced but I’m going to try and do a bit better at channelling all my emotions.

   With this experience I’m just starting to wonder more and more if there has been underlying stress and tension which I feel I have contained, but are in fact building up in my subconscious. I’m not sure though, as I think there are a number of contributing factors here: these include being under a lot of anxiety and stress because of doing more than I should (relatively speaking), because the move to Scotland failed and I don’t know what to do now, because of money worries and the feelings of lack of independence and purpose, and because of the ongoing health struggles.

   It’s all just tipped the balance I had and I’m struggling to see how to get it back, or even make something of myself with my life. And, yes, I have to learn to chill out, relax and not expect too much from myself, but it’s easier said than done. It's important to note here that I'm expressing how I've been feeling openly and honestly and do not mean to be negative. I would prefer to always say happy things, but this blog is about fighting for the light while living with the dark. The smiling test was my way to try and fight, and in a way it worked, as I've learned from it.  

   So, to go back for a second, I’m currently unsure how to approach the emotional side of things, and the physical, and the mental. It’s so complex that just thinking about it is probably causing more stress on my system. I do think I’m getting some understanding of my current inability to cope though. It’s partly because I feel so hopeless and lost. I would love to take up a new hobbie, or get a job would be preferable, but I'm struggling to think of one, and anything I do think of will impact my health. I’m also starting to think on a subconscious level that I’m sabotaging myself because I feel trying to cope is too hard, which is what actually makes it too hard (There are some curiously powerful links between self-belief, wants, acceptance, failures, expectations and many other things). Today has a reasonably good day, but finding the motivation to do anything is proving extremely hard. And then at times I know I should be doing nothing and resting so I can heal, and this also is extremely hard.

What’s pushing me forward the most right now is my family. I want to get better for their sake so I’m not such a burden; I have a few mantras’ I’m using which have helped today. I’ll try to keep using them each day and heal as best I can, but I know I have to want to heal and I think that’s what the smiling test has shown me. It showed me that through the positive I can feel better. I just have to do it in a less extreme way than I did a couple of days ago. And with all that said, maybe today I’m feeling better because the medication (Sertraline) is balancing things out, who knows.

   Hindsight Note: it’s been three days since this experience and it’s most certainly the medication that made me have the tranquil state. The smiling would have contributed and that positivity did help my stomach and eating, and still is, but having experienced the same feeling on and off I now know it has to be the medication.

   Speaking of the medication, I guess it has helped me with the panic-attacks. They were out of control, but with all the varying side effects of the medication I’m hoping some balance occurs soon. Sure I like the tranquil feeling when it washes over me, but it’s false and not worth the manic depressive states. They say it can take weeks for the Sertraline to get into the system properly and when it does it will hopefully give me a sense of consistent control. I've just realised I'm not even sure I know what it is the medication is actually meant to do. I always just say I hope it will help. I guess it's meant to help my mental state, which I'm assuming is balance and stopping the anxiety. If it does that then I'll be delighted! I just don't want the panic-attacks anymore.

   I’ll do a brief post about the medication next time and talk about how I feel. And just for the fun of it I'll also give a list of the effects it has seemed to have had on me so far. Then at some point I will continue other discussion points, but who knows when that will actually happen :).

Education: I short presentation I found that encourages smiling :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6-bQqqRVtM

Fun: Don’t ask why I remembered this, but this was one of my favourite things to watch back in the day, yes I was a cool thirteen year old. This is a random one I’ve picked.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0AaK9Br5Jw

Recent Experience: My Second Breakdown

As the title suggests, things didn’t really get better and I confess I had a breakdown on a similar scale to when the panic-attacks first started happening in 2010. I've been trying to control the sickness but lost the balance, so as I said in the last post I phoned the out of hours number to see a doctor. The doctor gave me some stronger anti-sickness tablets and sent me on my way.

   I couldn’t keep them down and was starting to have panic-attacks as well. I think in hindsight I had been having a lot of small panic-attacks and not even realised; the stress may be what was causing me to be so sick. With the panic-attacks intensifying, and the sickness also, I decided to go to hospital as having had no food or fluids I was feeling very bad.

   They saw me pretty quickly and because of my high pulse rate and constant vomiting they took blood for testing. I think this makes me very ill, as I still think some of my problems are to do with blood distribution. The bloods, however, didn’t show anything wrong (which I guess answers the concern about full blood count from a previous test). I’m starting to think that perhaps because of the fatigue and ibs that my stomach is under constant stress and in turn the stress takes blood away from the stomach. That’s my current theory to try and make sense of the physical side of it all. There’s obviously the psychological factors too, and after incoherently talking to the doctor (I was having mild panic-attacks on and off), they decided that this was more of a psychological problem and couldn’t do anything for me accept let me calm down and monitor me. They gave me even stronger medication and told me to rest and try to eat and get my energy levels back up.

   I was so exhausted by the whole situation that I decided to talk to a mental health practitioner as I was feeling very depressed and really wanted the suffering to end. It all just became too much to cope with. I was losing hope and couldn’t see a way for things to get better.

   The mental health practitioner was kind and suggested a lot of external help for once I was discharged from the hospital, as they said there was nothing more they could do. With the panic-attacks seemingly under control and the medication I was discharged and picked up by my mum. I must admit I left feeling a bit lost about the future.

   And I think this is a root to what is going on. There has been a lot of excess stress from not knowing how to proceed with my future and this might have been the psychological weight that tipped the balance of my control over all of my stresses. With the mess of trying to move to Scotland and it not working out, I think I lost myself in fears and also worrying about what I was supposed to do now. I guess it all broke me. I wish I could be a stronger person like so many people I know, but I’m just not as resilient. I’m trying to be, or rather, I’m trying to find my own way to be resilient and not let things overwhelm me.

   In the days that followed, after I left the hospital, things didn’t really get much better. I was in a constant state of anxiety and unable to sleep, which only made it worse. I was able to eat a little as the anti-sickness medication I had been given (Ondansetron) was helpful, but I still felt hopeless. A nightmarish couple of days passed and I managed to get an appointment with the local doctor. They were nice and understanding about it all and gave some anti-depressants and referred me to the local mental health team.

   Not much changed though and I couldn’t get a hold on the attacks and was only sleeping an hour or two then waking up wide awake. It was like waking in the middle of a panic-attack and I just needed to sleep. So I went to see the doctor again and it was a different doctor and they gave me Sertraline, which is used for anxiety, and a few sleeping tablets.

   This has helped as I’ve been able to sleep more than I had. In turn, I do feel a bit better and the panic-attacks and adrenaline I feel has subsided enough at the moment. I can feel them creeping back in and then pass from time to time, but it’s only been two days. I do feel spaced out a lot of the time but I’ll do anything to switch off my brain right now. All I want to do is be able to relax and not have the worst number, and intensity, of panic-attacks I’ve had since they first began.   

I’ve been thinking about this blog over the past week with how excruciating it has all been and I realised over the years I’ve forgotten just how bad the panic-attacks can get when completely untamed. They were so intense. I felt my skin crawling and was hitting myself with the feeling of the mental anguish coming from the attack. It all sounds very dramatic and to someone who hasn’t experienced one they will think it a bit over the top, but it’s what happens, and what happens to me.

The question is, what now? Well, that can be a trigger so I’m trying to be very careful how much I think about it. I have a couple of support courses I might be able to go on to help discuss it all and find support. I’m not sure if I’ll be well enough for them, but if I am I’ll go. I’ll also try to keep posting other discussion points on topics I had intended to do before all of this. However, day to day life is going to be a massive challenge as the balance between resting and doing things is proving very difficult. If I rest too much my thoughts can get very intense and make me sick or have attacks, but then if I try to distract myself and do too much then the fatigue and sickness gets worse. Then in turn the opposite gets worse and it spirals out of control. It’s a very intense thing to balance right now, but I’m trying to learn and grow with it. One of the most important things is learning to switch off my desire to ‘achieve’ and ‘accomplish,’ because right now the achievement has to be that I’m healing and if this means doing very little then I have to learn to accept this is a positive thing.

Fun: I’ve been watching some of Bill Bailey’s comedy to cheer me up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggOa9aSG-Ow

Educational: Some information about panic disorders.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/panic-disorder/pages/introduction.aspx

Recent Experiences: Dramatic Changes

Today will be a short update as I’m lacking in some motivation, but I did want to give an update.

This is probably the most difficult up date to write so far. I’m feeling a bit lost and down about everything that has happened. Basically, the move to Scotland and work didn’t go according to plan. I stayed with my brother for a couple of days before moving and then made the car journey up. I was feeling a bit nervous but kept my anxieties in check. I arrived in Scotland as ready as I thought I could be for work etc. What actually made the whole situation fall apart was filling out housing benefit forms and realising to claim housing benefits it needs to be with a registered landlord. This wasn’t the case with the people I was staying with, so I would not have been able to pay them rent as was agreed.

   This change in the situation made my anxiety flare up and I had no idea what to do. After some calming down, I thought about it for a little while and realised I couldn’t make it work. I phoned my parents and asked them to look after me. This was difficult as I struggle to rely on people, but I saw no over option. It’s going to be an ongoing struggle to let others take care of me, but I will need to learn acceptance. I also had to tell the person who offered me the job that I couldn’t do it and I felt horrible for letting them down.

   I’ve been trying so hard to manage my conditions but I guess I’m just not strong enough. I’m really trying and hoped doing this move to Scotland for the summer would give me some esteem and success. However, it’s fallen through because of unforeseen circumstance and my inability to cope with such changes. My mind just shuts down and everything seems so much worse than perhaps it really is. I try to control it but it’s so overwhelming that I can’t seem to do so. Then again a lot of my health conditions are hard to cope with so I know I’m not just imagining these struggles.

   My parents are amazing and have said they will have me here in Gloucester and I’m hoping I can figure things out here. It’s not proving easy as I’ve been throwing up since I got here and I can’t seem to get control of it. It’s all likely a knock on effect of moving to Scotland and that not working out and then moving back to my parents all within five days. I find it so difficult to cope with, and really hate that I’m so sensitive to such small amounts of stress.

  I’m trying to figure this all out but it’s not easy. I need help from the doctors and need the support to figure out why I’m so easily effected by stresses and help with both the physical and mental side of what’s happening.

   As I was unable to keep breakfast and lunch down yesterday, and I lost breakfast this morning too, I decided to phone out of hours NHS number and hopefully the doctors will be able to help in some way. Sorry to use a bad pun, but I’m starting to get sick of it all and I’m trying my best to fulfill the title of this blog and fight for the light, but I’m struggling. I know I need to stay positive and really did feel a bit more positive this morning until I couldn’t keep breakfast down.

   Deep down I do believe it will be okay in time. I just have to let those thoughts be louder than the depression and anxiety. I will keep working at it and see how things go with the doctor. I'll probably update in a week and when things finally settle I'll be able to write about some other discussion points.

Fun: I went to see the SpongeBob movie with my brother and nephew last weekend and that was so much fun for me as I find SpongeBob hilarious. It’s so silly, but I would recommend it, as being silly is sometimes healthy.

Educational: This will hopefully put some things in perspective for me and inspire to me to keep going and hope for a better future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P2nPI6CTlc

Recent Experiences

So much randomness and chaos is taking place in my life and all because of my own choices. I hope it’s all for the better, but my head is still spinning from everything that’s going on right now.

   To give you some context lets rewind a little. If you’ve read all the updates you’ll know health related struggles have been moving forward slowly, but positively, while living here in England. These things include the medication that’s stopping me from being sick and tests being booked such as an endoscopy and blood tests. While waiting for these I decided to take a trip to Scotland to see friends for their birthdays. It was a very tiring trip but so wonderful to see everyone again. The opportunities that have opened up by being back up there are the chaos and randomness I mentioned at the start. An opportunity for work occurred and I decided to go for it. It was through a friend and the pub/restaurant they work for was looking for a cleaner. It will be a couple of hours for seven days a week. I didn’t really take time to think about if this was really a good idea, I just thought for a few minutes about if I felt I could do it, and decided to give it a try. Ultimately, I desperately need the money as ESA are ‘pending’ on the decision about whether I’m eligible for that money. It’s been six weeks and I’ve had no money to live off of except my credit card. I’ll come back to what’s happening with it all in a bit.

   After filling out an application for the job as a cleaner I realised this was a pretty crazy choice to be making. It’s only been five months that I’ve been in England and already I’m moving back to Scotland. It’s still very chaotic as it’s only short-term and my goal is to move back to England in September to do the level three of the counselling qualifications. In regards to my mental and physical health this choice has been very hard. It’s bringing up all sorts of anxieties about failing and making myself really ill from doing too much, and letting people down. I’ve had waves of depression linked to this, but I’m doing my best to stay focused on one day at a time.

   The reality is doing cleaning should be easy and I really think it will be, but my mental health just makes even simple things feel hard. Plus there's the concerns about my physical ability to keep up and not get tired and exhausted and then sick. Hopefully the medication will keep this at bay. I guess only time will tell if this works out an I’ll post about it once I’m at work and achieving this goal (Staying Positive!!). I'll also have to re-book all the health tests and have them up there, and hopefully when I have those tests some indication of why I get so sick will be given.

   Another really hard thing will be saying goodbye to family, yet again. It has been so lovely to be close to family, and I’m going to miss them more than words can say. I need to do this whole work thing though, so I have to make this hard choice to say goodbye again. I need to prove to myself I can work even the simplest of jobs and if for some reason it all falls through at least I tried. I have a feeling it won’t fall through though and despite the sadness of leaving my family again I’m excited for this opportunity to work.

Since coming back from my short break to Scotland and getting the job I’ve had to sort out the exit strategy. The most important part has been with doctors. I’ve had appointments with them and said goodbye and thanked them for their help. It was sad to end the session with the mental health practitioner as we were making some progress and we really didn’t have long enough to work through both how the physical and mental health things are effecting me and my life. It would have been nice to continue this, along with the doctor and the other tests planned in a nice stable way, but it wasn’t to be. I need the money and if I can work I’ll try to. These tests and help will have to continue in Scotland, and I’ll keep things up to date as and when they happen.

   In regards to the money issue I phoned up the ESA people and I was told to try going back on job seekers. I was told that a new policy had been brought in that can allow people to be off sick for thirteen weeks and if I sort that out then I might be able to get it back dated. I really hope this can happen as it will take the edge off of my finances. My appointment is this afternoon so I will go to it and update this account afterwards in this same blog post. At the end of the day it’s a hard enough struggle to keep on top of my health and all things related without having to stress so much about money. The system is so unhelpful sometimes that I really worry how others cope and deal with the feelings of hopelessness they must feel when trying to fight against the walls that get thrown up. People with such problems should be given so much more support to help them be able to rest and deal with the horrible health struggles they have. These struggles don’t have such obvious signs of the pain but they are just as difficult to cope with as many debilitating illnesses. I can see that there is improvement though, as the stigma of ‘just get on with it’ is being lifted and the professionals are starting to fight for public and governmental awareness. I’m sure in time improvements will continue and this new thirteen week period of being sick being allowed while on JSA is a step forward while people wait for ESA to make their decisions and choices. The next issue is assessment of illness by the ESA but I won’t get into that right now.

It has been a few hours since writing all of the above and I’ve had the meeting with the JSA and it’s all being processed so we’ll see how it goes.

In conclusion I just want to say despite the chaos and randomness I’m happy to be challenged the way I am. I’m happy to try to work and earn some money and have the esteem that comes from doing this. I know it will be good for me despite the fears and struggles I have inside. All I can say now is- Bring it on!!

Fun:  Winnie the Pooh is always fun and puts a smile on my face. Here’s a link to YouTube episodes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l60lkTxKveo

Education: This is a resource suggested to me by my mental health practitioner that might be educational for some people.

http://glasgowspcmh.org.uk/home

Emotions: Part Three / Male and Female Generalisations: Part Two

In continuation of the last post.

It is clear that my own experiences are quite different from the stereotype of what a man is, or what a man is ‘supposed’ to be, when it comes to emotional awareness or expression. For example, I always preferred the company of girls growing up. I had male friends, and played football and computer games with them, but at various times, and most of the time, when it came to conversation I always preferred being around girls: this was mostly in my mid to late teens. I was drawn towards the types of girls who liked to talk about their emotions and express themselves, which I admit was most. At that time I found the generalised male behaviour of being loud, rowdy and intrusive, and I looked down on it. That was because I didn’t understand it, and have since changed my view on this. I have realised both, in the right circumstance, actually have great value and worth. I must note however, on the opposite side of the coin, they can both, in different circumstances, be as equally detrimental.

   Being very emotional, I guess it was inevitable I would favour the company of women as I made better connections with them and I could relate more. Things changed though, and that is when I learned the benefit of the generalised ‘male’ way of thinking and behaving. As a consequence of my health changes in 2009/10 I stopped being able to talk about my emotions as openly. The pain I was feeling was too much and it made my health worse when I talked about it and got upset. There also felt like no practical benefit to talking- it wasn’t taking the problems away. I started to see some value in not always opening up and learning to keep my emotions as an internal process and not vocalise, which appeared a more male thing to do.

    It all came to a head when I made the mistake of letting my negative emotions win and taking a lot of medication to try and escape the pain and feelings of having no control. After that choice I had no idea how I was going to come back from it. I remember going to meet some of my guy friends at a pub, something I rarely did, and we just chatted and had a laugh and then went to play some computer games. The value of just not over-thinking my situation or emotions, or worrying about them, saved me. I saw amongst the guys there was a brotherhood of unspoken support and loyalty and trust. It was a different way of essentially doing the same thing. That same thing was coping with the emotions of life and it was a different style of approaching life.

   My eyes were opened to this way of thinking and style, and it was exactly what I needed at that specific point in my life. Over time I adopted this more and more and switched to the opposite end of the scale from that which I had once been inclined, but this in turn caused some issues. It led to a big regret of my life. It was the way I was coping with it, but at times I became too detached. This lost me some of my female friends and I hurt people very dear to me. I lost those friendships and should have treated those people better. It happened though and I have to live with the consequences.

   Thankfully, in time, I learned to tip the balance back and currently try to adopt the right strategy for the right circumstance. I still get this wrong, and be indifferent when I should care, and care when I need to be indifferent. That said, I think the majority of the time I’m getting it right, but at times I do feel I could show some more of my emotions to others, but it’s very hard, as it still has some of the physical effects discussed previously.

One of the biggest struggles is that actually I do still really care, and care too much at times, but the reality is I can’t let myself care too much, or I have to not feel the caring side otherwise it overwhelms me. When I think about all the struggling and suffering in this world and want to help, but because I can’t, I feel useless and it hurts me to the core. I know I have to realise, as long as I help when I can, then that’s an extra bonus, but it’s hard. Ultimately, the priority has to be taking care of my own health, physically, mentally and emotionally, which is not easy. 

    It comes down to finding that balance and juggling it all, and though these two ways of thinking seem to contradict each other it appears to work. I just need to keep an eye on it because if I become too indifferent, I will lose the ability to be emotional, and if I become too emotional, I will struggle to be indifferent when I need to be.

I find another way to understand all of this, which is slightly linked to everything discussed above, is to define the approach as looking at things emotionally and logically. I try to look at everything logically first and foremost, so I don’t let the often irrational emotions lead to a painful or chaotic circumstance. Then, if an emotional response is the best option, after applying logic first, I allow myself to show an emotional response. Again, please don’t think I don’t love emotions, they are intense and beautiful and wonderful and majestic, but they can be so overpowering that they are best experienced in a self controlled manner. If you look at most of societies struggles at this current time, a lot of it is because people cannot deal with their own emotions. I know what I’ve said may sound very clinical and detached, but it has been the best and most effective way for me to function in my life. It has taken years but I would highly recommend others given this way of looking at life more thought. That’s just my suggestion though as life is specific and no one should assume their way of doing something is the best way for everyone else.

To conclude this discussion, I just want to say I think the categorising of male and female traits is a bad practice. I understand why we need to generalise things, but not everyone is the same and the majority of traits can be used to benefit our lives and relationships, depending on the specific situation we are in. In my opinion we should be adopting the broad spectrum of perspectives from both so called masculine and famine stereotypes, and that way improve our lives and become the best kind of person we can.

Fun: This is ridiculous and so awesome at the same time. Here we have two universes collide very epically. Star Wars meets DC Comics in Darth Vadar vs Batman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj23dwWHukY

Educational: Some more stuff on Emotional Intelligence. This Lecture is well worth a look.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8JMWtwdLQ4

Emotions: Part Two / Male and Female Generalisations: Part One

In continuation of the post two weeks ago.

There are a few ways in which my emotions effect my health, and why I had to learn how to control my emotions. When the panic-attacks and fatigue occurred my body was very vulnerable. As I’ve mentioned I have always been very emotionally sensitive and with the panic-attacks and fatigue any expression of these emotions would make my health so much worse. Here are a few examples of this.

   With the dry eyes any crying stings them really bad and leads to very painful headaches. It also adds to the fatigue and lack of energy. I was use to being able to express this without any concern but to stop the physical pain I had to gain control of this. So very rarely do I cry if I’m sad etc as I’ve built up the ability not to. It has taken years to gain this level of control, but as I’ve said, I’ve had to.

   Another example of the impacts of my emotions on my health is after having a panic-attack, or feeling despair and losing hope, my stomach used to shut down completely. I would either start being sick and then not able to eat, or lose my appetite entirely. These were horrible times as if I don’t eat I get dangerously fatigued and it was very painful. It took every effort to control the sadness, or hold onto hope and get my appetite back. Over the years this has become less of a problem as when these things happen it doesn’t have such a dramatic impact because of the walls I’ve built to stop my body having these effects of my emotions.

   In regards to the panic-attacks these were very irrational and would just kick in at seemingly random times. Some noticeable triggers included feelings of failure, or having too much responsibility, or when I felt afraid, but often it would be for no reason. I had to explore these reactions and learn to process them and control them so they didn’t control me. A lot of this can be done with simple breathing techniques and although doesn’t really stop them it can help me stay more focused and appear normal when having one. I still feel the adrenaline and fear and have some physical indicators, but the complete shut-down I once had has not happened for a long time as I have built up resistance.

   I mentioned it in the previous post about this subject, but I also think a lot of my inability to cope with my emotions came from not having the physical outlet I once did. I couldn’t use physical activity as a way to vent and had to learn inner control. I did also find other types of outlets that helped and in away gave me something to hold on to. This is when I discovered my creative side and occupied a lot of my rest time with drawing and writing.

Looking at the experiences as a whole, over the last five years, I have managed to slowly change my way of thinking, and build up barriers to stop my emotions from overwhelming me, or be so intense on the outside. I still feel these emotions to various degrees, but I often get to choose to which degree. It’s like having walls that contain the emotions within my being, but not effecting my physical, and I get to lower or raise those walls at will. There are obviously situations that I can't help but show my emotions, but they have to be very extreme cases, like grief, when the depression kicks in, or thinking too much about the negative things others struggle with in their lives. 

   As for the walls I have, it’s important to note that I certainly don’t want to never feel as that is not healthy. I am human after all, and one of the greatest parts of being human is being able to feel. It just comes back to the concept of balance. Letting your emotions control your every action is not healthy, but showing no emotions is just as unhealthy.

I think that’s about all the discussion needed on how my emotions effect me etc and I want to discuss some other ideas around this topic now.

Emotions and Male/Female Generalisations

For a number of years, especially before all of this and in the initial change to my health, I often wondered what it was about me that made me so much more sensitive with my emotions, or why they were so intense, or what was it about me that meant I couldn’t control them the way others could. I often debated if I was weak because I couldn’t control them. And then at times I wondered if perhaps I just had a higher capacity to feel. I still don’t know the answer and it doesn’t really matter as comparing myself to others isn’t the best way to live. This is who I am and I have to work with it, and choose, to the best of my abilities, how I wish to govern my life and learn what is the most effective in achieving my goals to be happy.

   One thing that has fascinated me on this topic is what I mentioned briefly in the previous post about emotions and how male/female aspects of emotion interest me. In a general sense we as a society have characterised certain emotions or emotional responses as male or female. We tend to say: nurturing, caring, open expression, empathetic, and most emotional responses as feminine. We relate: blunt, dominating, brash, indifference, distant, unempathetic, aggressive to a masculine way of behaving. In a general sense, yes, these ways of categorising the traits is often correct and can be seem as the difference between male and female ways of behaving, but as I’ve mentioned countless times this is not the reality when you look at individuals and specific cases, my own included. It is also important to note that human beings are very complex and to just classify some traits to all men and some to all women is a very narrow and incorrect way of looking at things.

   And I think I’ll stop here for now. I’ll finish the topic of emotion and male female characteristics in the next post.

Fun: This quick telling of Star Wars using Lego is both cute, fun and very clever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht_32nVAn5s

Education: I mentioned the book, Emotional Intelligence, in the last post about emotions. This is the author, Daniel Goleman, explaining what his definition of Emotional Intelligence is and why he thinks it’s important. This video also covers some of what I’ll be discussing in the next post.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU

Recent Experiences

Well, more events have taken place so time for an update. I can’t remember what I’ve already said, so f I repeat anything I apologise. After being nauseas and actually sick a lot for a number of days/a week I was given some medication (prochlorperazine) which has really helped take the edge of the sickness. It’s so nice not to be throwing up. I’m still feeling drained a lot of the time and a bit nauseas, but it’s nice not to be really bad like I was. The medication is helping so I’m happy with this.

   When I went to see the doctors and got given the medication they decided to give me blood tests. I don’t know if it’s normal but I felt very tired, dizzy and lightheaded for about 36 hours after having the blood take, which made me once again think that perhaps there is something to do with my blood. I’m starting to wonder whether I have enough, or the transportation of nutrients is lacking. That’s just Steven speculation and no help to anyone, but I will keep trying to analyse all the things and maybe hit the mark. I’m hoping with the doctors help something might come back to indicate what’s going on.

   During the time of waiting for the bloods I had to try and sort out the money/ESA related things and wait for the doctor to contact me so I could get more information to send away. I was told the message had been passed on to my doctor and I was seeing my doctor in a couple of days so decided to speak to them about it then.

   I went to my appointment and first of all asked the doctor about the bloods. They said everything was fine, which was disappointing as I hoped something might have shown as I have felt for a number of months that it could be something to do with my blood (We’ll come back to this topic in a minute). We then had a discussion about where to take things now and there was a little argument about whether it is time to embrace the mental health side of things or to do more tests. The doctor said I had done every test and there’s nothing more to do. I replied that I haven’t had a camera in my stomach yet to actually see if there is damage in my stomach that’s effecting my health, as the stomach is one of the key problems. The doctor was then adamant I had already had that test. After a little discussion they realised they either miss read my notes from previous doctors, or my notes were wrong. To think I’ve had such a test when I hadn’t is a pretty bad error, but I’m glad it was cleared up, but only happened because I stuck to my guns. So good and bad news is I’m going to have an endoscopy.

   This is great as it will clarify once and for all if the stomach is damaged someway that I believe it to be. And if there is nothing wrong in there then I can move forward and embrace the mental health avenue. It’s also bad as having the endoscopy is going to be brutal as being conscious while having a camera put down your throat can’t be pleasant for anyone. I’ll be sedated, but it’s going to be difficult to stay calm and not let any anxiety stuff take over. I’m sure it will be okay though as long as I apply all the strategies to distract myself.

   After coming to the agreement that going ahead with the endoscopy, we discussed the ESA stuff and the doctor wrote me out another note that they have to follow. Hopefully the ESA will be in touch and I’ll have a little bit of money coming in to cover the debts I’m racking up. Speaking of debt, I’ve also been to citizens advice bureau and they’ve referred me to the money advice section and some of my debts might be able to be reduced as they will write to the bank on my behalf so I pay less on my debts. This will mess up my credit rating but I really have no choice right now so I’m happy to do it. I have that meeting next week.

   After the doctors I went home and found a letter which made me laugh a lot. It was about my blood tests results. The doctor had said nothing was wrong, yet, the letter said I had to go back in four weeks for another full blood count. There was no explanation of why just that it needs to be done. I know the doctor is trying to help me and I appreciate the time and effort that goes into what doctors do, but it’s aggravating when so many easily avoidable mistakes are made. During the discussion with the doctor they asked why I’ve dealt with this health stuff myself for the last few years and not sort the help I should. I didn’t really answer it then, but I guess this is way. I just felt I could balance it all myself as no doctors have never truly listened or aren’t actually able to truly help due to the volume of people they see. Obviously, I can’t deal with all this anymore and that’s why I’m seeking and pushing for help, but when I feel let down constantly. Again, I do appreciate the help I am receiving and these are wonderful people trying to help so please don’t think I’m complaining I’m just making observations about my own personal experiences. If others are going through similar things just keep fighting your corner in a positive and constructive way, it’s hard at times but for the best in the long run. Don’t let things get worse and worse over the years and put yourself through a lot of pain.

I’ve also had another visit with the mental health therapist and our time was shorter than last time, but we made some progress. I’m more willing to take into account the concept/idea that if there isn’t anything too physically wrong with me it could be that all my emotional stress is almost sabotaging my body. I’m not ready to accept it just yet, but talking about it makes it easier to consider and I’ll only go down this avenue if the bloods and endoscopy don’t show anything. 

In other news I’m looking for new accommodation. I won’t go into details, but I have to move out of my current place. I’m looking for somewhere near to my brother and hopefully can find something in my price range. I should be stressed about such things but my life has been so chaotic over the last I’ve years I’m almost unphased by such things- it will work out one way or another.

I know I’ve said I shouldn’t post what the next post should be, as it always changes, but next post should be the part two about emotions.

Fun: These are terrible, ‘Doctor, Doctor,’ jokes but still put a smile on my face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FF0oUPvaeek

Education: I can’t think of anything that educational so going to leave it this week.

Emotions: Personal Experience

Many things about emotion and my own personal emotions have fascinated me for a long time. This comes from the fact that I could be classed as a very emotional person. I remember crying a lot as a child, and for very simple things such as another child calling me a name, or because I lost at a game or a sport. I also have the tendency to smile a lot and project a happy positive persona too. I guess these two ends of the scale are part of my nature to be an extremist; I never did do things by halves. It has always been all or nothing with me.

    In my teens I did get a reasonable control on some of my sensitivity, but I still struggled as the depression kicked in and even relatively simple things would upset me and my emotions would run wild. Often the emotions were so intense I longed for an end to the pain they brought. I guess they also brought a lot of happiness too but the negative emotions seemed to be felt more keenly. I had various out lets for the intensity and one of these was sports and exercise. This gave me a focus and I could channel any emotions to be my motivation to run faster, or play better. Then again at times they hindered my ability i.e playing volleyball and getting so frustrated at making errors that I would then make more. That aside, the emotional energy was transferred and this helped in my teens when I did a lot of sport.

    At university I was very fortunate to have a lot of positive experiences and I was able to express myself and have freedom away from my parents for the first time and this helped me to grow up and mature. My emotions were still intense but I focused on studying and really changing myself to be a good person to all those around me. This fluctuated from semester to semester as sometimes I did what I wanted to do, and other times I really tried to focus more on the positives. As I have said, all or nothing. There was another part of my university life that helped me and that was the ability to be very open and honest about my emotions. I had a lovely group of friends, mainly girls, who saw my emotions as a positive and not a weakness as often people do, especially in a man (I’ll discuss this idea of male/female and it’s relation to emotions in part 2 of this post).

     At the end of my university life a lot of things changed, and especially with the health as you already know. It was a time in my life that I call, ‘The Crisis Point.’ My body and mind were so worn out and under so much stress that my emotions became even more intense than they had always been. I cried a lot and I even started to get a sense of what true hate actually was, I don’t think I ever really hated anything before this. I started to really hate my circumstances and the weaknesses/limitations of my body. It was like a force inside me and it added to the dramatically fluctuating emotions I felt at that time.

   Everything was so intense that I had to change a lot of things. One thing I had to do was teach myself to care less. A lot of my emotions stem from my caring nature and desire to accomplish my goals, which are mostly rooted in my desire to help other people. Since about the age of fifteen I have done my best to help people, while doing all the other things necessary for a healthy life i.e work, study, friends, family, hobbies etc. When the crisis point occurred I couldn’t help anyone the way I used to and couldn’t be there for people the way I had been. I know I wasn’t some amazing person who was always there for his mates, but I know I was close. Anyone who needed me could always just pick up the phone and I would help in any way I could. It was just the way I wanted to be as a person. I wanted to be the loyal, reliable and good friend to those I cared for. This all changed and I could barely take care of myself. I had to stop being that reliable person otherwise it made me ill and this was one of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn. It’s been an important lesson though as has taught me people will always be okay- I’m not that special. They will find a way to get help and there will be someone to help them- I don’t need to fix everyone’s problems. These lessons have taught me the power individuals have within themselves. It was just nice to be able to help at times and be the kind of friend I wanted to be. I do miss being a positive force in people’s lives, but I have learned much from not being able to.

   So my life grinded to a halt and I was unable to help people and this made me very sad. The emotions at this time were too much and as I’ve mentioned previously I did lose control of them and wish so much for an escape that I took a bunch of pills. After that mistake I realized I could never do that again, and promised myself I wouldn’t. It has been tough though as the emotions have been just as intense as they were then, if not more so at times. It has been my ability to cope, control and rationalise these emotions that has allowed me to not struggle the same way I once did.

   The ability to cope has come from a level of detachment and a change in my perspective. It has come from trying to look at everything logically or rationally first before I feel. It has been hard, but a barrier has been created where I first look at things almost like a robot. I analyse and then allow myself to feel if I need/want to feel or just process the emotion as data if that emotion will actually be detrimental to a situation. The reality is I actually had to learn to do this, as my emotions made my health stuff so much worse. I didn’t really have a choice if I wanted to survive my own nature.

   I think I’ll continue to discuss this and some other points in the next blog update.

 

Fun: This was last nights facebook status and amused a few people so I thought I’d share.

‘Never assume that the 2 year old you're babysitting has an empty nappy, even when it's just been changed. Just because there's only a 5% chance its full doesn't make it worth while and being caught off guard and therefore taking a deep sniff thinking 'it's just best to check, but never going to be full already.' Always! And I mean, ALWAYS!! Approach with caution. Otherwise you burn your nostrils out, nearly puke and go blind for 5 mins!!! I think i've been out of practice and forgot the basics.’

Educational: I haven’t read this book, but I always keep meaning to. I think it would be very educational. Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, might be worth a read and give deeper insight on the topic of emotions. 

Loneliness

This is going to be yet another honest and open post, and I’m going to have to use all my strength to keep my eyes dry when writing it. This post is about the loneliness that can occur because of mental and physical health struggles, and more specifically about my current feelings of loneliness.

  

The truth is health limitations changes things. I’ve discussed various ways this happens but I want to focus on the solitude that can occur and the loneliness that it can bring. I have been fortunate in my life to make friends pretty easily. Sometimes it can take me a lot of time to actually make new friends, as those initial introductions/greetings to new people are irrationally frightening for me, but once I get passed that, I’ve found I can establish meaningful and loving friendships relatively easily.

   Throughout the years of my health struggles I’ve done my best to remain sociable. At first it was difficult as I was having the panic attacks frequently, had erratic behaviour, and I was often afraid of irrational things, but I tried (and at times failed) to maintain those relationships I had. I also tried my hardest to make new ones when the opportunities presented themselves i.e gigs, parties, socials. The latter was just an extra bonus and only happened if I felt I could keep up with a new friendship. The priority for the majority of the last few years has been to use the little energy I have to see and be with those I care so deeply for. At times I also did my best to send emails and maintain friendships with to those who weren’t in the vicinity. I learned to balance work, social life, and rest, well and became good at accepting that I could spend time with my friends a little here and there, but not always stay out as late as I would like to, or join my friends in as much adventures as I had done previously. I was okay with this as long as I got to see the majority of my closest friends for a few hours every couple of weeks. I know I was lucky to have so many close friends around me and tried never to take that for granted.

Since my health struggles have become worse, I’ve suddenly become surprisingly lonely. I guess the loneliness stems from the health struggles getting worse, and I find myself wanting to do so much, but just unable to. An example of this was when I moved down here I researched clubs or groups in the area that I could go to to make friends. Considering my social anxiety about meeting new people I was very proud of myself for getting in touch with a board game group and going along to a day event they had. The mental battle it was to get there was tough, but once there, and introduced to a few lovely people, I felt more relaxed and was able to just have fun. I did have to leave earlier than I would have liked as I knew I had to balance my fun with rest.

   I had a great time though and have wanted to go back, but I have not felt healthier enough and have had to prioritise my time with college or job seekers etc. I have also prioritised family things because this will always be my number one priority after being healthy, and in truth, even before.

   It’s difficult not being able to make those new friendships or have the fun I would like, but I can accept it. I know I have so many people that care for me even though I may not be near them or able to see them the way I used to. I miss those friends so so much and my heart aches to spend even an hour in their company. I moved down knowing I would miss them, but I felt the choice to move hear would perhaps open some doors with jobs, and I knew seeing my family more frequently would be wonderful.

   If you’ve read the previous posts you know the job situation didn’t really go according to plan, and now I find myself struggling to even see my family as I am so tired and feeling sick so frequently.

Forgive me for perhaps indulging in some self pitying, which I really try not to do because I know there’s always something to be thankful for and ways around this loneliness. I know it is me that decides if I feel lonely and I’ve learned well over the years to improve my ability to be happy in my own company: when you have to spend days and sometimes weeks doing nothing to feel healthier again you learn to appreciate your own company. That said there is something important about human interaction to me as a person so it’s a challenge to accept that I’m not getting to be as sociable as I want to. I’m know that the current difficult situation stems from my health and in time I’m sure the doctors will help to get my health back on track, so I’m able to have the little more socialising I want. It’s going to take time and continued patience on my part.

   I just wanted to share these experiences as I know loneliness will be a common part of many people’s health struggles. I hope if any of you feel lonely because of your limitations that there’s some way for you to have the relationships and connections you desire. It’s hard, but try to find even brief moments with those who truly love you, or maintain contact if they aren’t close. Try not to be afraid of making new friends if you can, this will be difficult in the short term, but the long term benefits can be very much worth it. And if, like me, you feel you cannot get out and need to prioritise your energy then stay hopeful for the future, opportunities might present themselves, health get better, and as I’ve said before, there are often many different ways to achieve the same goal i.e using the likes of skype to chat with loved ones you may not be near, or chatting with new people in online forums who share common interests.

To those who have friends and family with significant health limitations, please pay special attention to them. I’ve said it recently, but I’ll say it again, ‘it appears to be easier to offer help than to ask for it.’ Please reach out to those who may be struggling to maintain friendships due to health. I know you will have work, and a number of things that take up your time, but don’t think that just because they haven’t been in touch for a while that it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be. It may be that they don’t want their communication to seem like they are bothering you with their problems, or even be lacking in motivation/energy as the mental/physical health is weighing them down (often my own barrier to communicating with loved ones)- who knows. I guess we should never assume anything, but as their friend, or family, you and I are best suited to observe if they would perhaps withdraw in times of the most challenging struggles so not to be a burden.  

To add a positive to my own situation I’m sure the sudden loneliness is temporary and perhaps only manifesting because I’m a bit more emotional at this point in time due to tiredness and exhaustion (I’ve been throwing up and not sleeping well). I’m just very thankful for my family supporting me down here, to those people I’ve met at college, to my house mates for being kind, friendly, and patient with me, to a couple of close friends who live relatively close by down here for their support, and to all my friends who love me no matter how much communication we have, or how much time goes by until we next see each other.

Fun: I used to watch a lot of Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. I haven’t recently just because I haven’t had direct access (yep, I’m lazy). I heard that he’s leaving The Daily Show which made me remember how much I loved watching him on that show. Jon’s a great political comedian, probably one of the best. This is just a random video of him on the daily show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ShL-mwnE7w

Educational: Here is a lecture on loneliness and the importance of socialising. I don’t know if I agree with everything in it, but there’s a lot that shows the importance of trying to be social, and promotes thought on this topic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0hxl03JoA0

Current Experiences/ Cause and Effect

I really shouldn’t conclude blog posts with what the next one will be as I always seem to change it. I’ve had some more interesting experiences so I'm going to share them to keep the record of all that’s happening as it happens.

In the last blog post I briefly mentioned my concerns about the doctor jumping on the band wagon of my issues being mostly psychological. It appears they have. I really struggle with this as it’s only because the doctor saw the psychological reaction when they were poking around at my stomach/abdomen that they are now favouring this approach. The problem is that my reaction is an effect of so many things and mainly the tiredness and exhaustion. Having spent years with all the different things I’m experiencing I’ve tested, tried and analysed, what causes what, and how my body responds to a number of things. This reaction to being hypersensitive to touch around my stomach hasn’t happened since the very beginning, five years ago, and it’s only because I’m so exhausted now that my body is having this reaction again. Back then I also had a similar reaction to my arms (fear of being touched there) because they became hypersensitive during the extreme tiredness of that time. That fear triggered the panic-attacks, but fortunately that one has not flared up this time around.

   In regards to the current tiredness etc, and after all the self testing and reflection over the years, I can only come to the conclusion that there’s something stopping my body from repairing and causing me to become more and more tired as the years go on. It’s as if I have less energy per day now compared to last year, or the year before, and this is what’s making me exhausted. And then in turn this tiredness and non-repairing is making my stomach (digestive problems) worse as whatever is going on in there is having a major impact with the sickness and nausea. 

    I know it sounds bad of me to complain about the doctors approach, as I know they’re just trying to help and I do appreciate that, but it just gets frustrating for me as this is the third doctor to do the same thing over the years. Part of me just wants them to put a camera down into my stomach and they would see there’s something wrong, or some sort of damage, in there casusing the sickness and nausea. This then would motivate them to try and find out what is going on with my body rather than just being like, oh you need to be healthy psychologically and you’ll be able to manage it all better. I’ve tried that over the years and it just isn’t working.

   I’m trying not to be too much of a stubborn idiot though, and take all the help they can give me, and not just tell them to get lost and I’ll continue to balance it by myself, as clearly that’s no longer working. The help I have been offered came in the form of the doctor referring me to a Mental Health Therapist for an assessment. I’m not even sure exactly what they’re assessing, maybe just my state of mind. I had the first meeting with the therapist on Thursday 26^th and at that point I didn’t know they would be looking at only the mental health side. I had hoped it was more a half and half specialist who could look at all the physical and mental things with a more experienced eye and make some recommendations. It wasn’t to be, however, and it was a little bit disappointing. I moved past the disappointment and told the therapist about everything that’s gone on over the last five years, and my own view that there is a physical cause to all these issues. I also made them a ‘cause and effect’ map beforehand as I thought this might be helpful for them (It’s a bit chaotic and messy, but I’ll add the picture of it at the end of this).

   After the meeting the therapist did say they could make recommendations of anything they felt was appropriate to my doctor, but primarily they were there to make a mental health assessment. Of course I was happy to accept this as they were only doing their job- both doctors are lovely and kind and clearly want to help, and that alone is very important to me. I just don’t know what they can actually do to help, but I’ll listen and try anything they suggest.

I’ll go back for a few sessions with the mental health therapist and see what the assessment brings and take things from there. I’ll be seeing my doctor on the 17^th of March and see what ideas and perspective’s are put on the table. It will be good to have a good chat with them as it’s been a bit sporadic with only brief phone call conversations as I’ve tried to get sick-lines/notes so I’ll have the money I need coming in. There was a bit of confusion about this but after some clarification the doctors did sign me off to get ESA for a month. This will mean I can relax and hopefully shift this sickness and nausea by resting the way I’ve had to in the past when it has got this bad. The Jobcentre and an agency I’m with are now being very supportive in regards to work related things, now that they see I have a lot of health struggles. They have continued to offer any support they can and I’m very thankful to those individuals who I’ve spoken to over then months I’ve been in England.

One final point before I finish this update is that the therapist asked the question I have often debated in my mind: what if they put a camera in my stomach and there was nothing wrong in there? I didn’t answer well, but on further reflection I would find it very confusing, but as I always have I would adapt to the best of my abilities and realise there is way more going on with my mind/body links than even I thought.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to see how I’d respond, as I think the doctor is going to want me to take the psychological approach. I’ll try to be humble though, and work with them and if there is improvement after following their lead, then wonderful, and if not, maybe eventually they’ll just take a look inside. I just hope if it does get to that stage and there is something wrong in there that it can be fixed and I’m not permanently damaged because it was left for so long.  

Fun: Star Wars fun that was all over facebook this week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgtX7wR-MvY

Educational: Picture of my 'cause and effect' map. Not really that educational but I'm putting it up here anyway.

Recent Experiences

It has become clear that I’ve been writing about more current personal experiences than I thought I would in this blog. This is because a lot more seems to be happening at this time with my health than I thought it would be. I’m happy to share these experiences and I’ve decided that I’m going to chop and change between updates on what is happening, and the discussion points that were my original focus for this blog.

This post is going to be one about my personal experiences, but mainly from the past year. I’m doing this so there is a better foundation of context for any future posts about my current experiences.

   I think I’ve already mentioned this, but about this time last year I was trying to find other work. The nightshift job that I had been doing was changing in its parameters and I knew my health couldn’t keep up. I applied for a care-work job with adults that have autism. I worked with children who have autism before the majority of my health issues and felt confident enough to try this similar job. It was also day time work that would be better for my health, and the job was ideal for the caring and perceptive nature I have.

   I was fortunate to get this job and after some shadowing shifts did a shift by myself. This shift was more difficult than I had expected and the challenging nature of the service user trigged my anxieties within the first hour. I managed to keep the fight or flight response, that get’s trigger very intensely, under control and focused on making sure the service user’s routine was followed. After what felt like forever I handed over the shift. The moment I got in my car I had to let down all the walls I had been struggling to keep up. I managed to drive home, but then the panic attack fully set in. After two hours I finally calmed down enough to move and went inside to bed.

   I woke up and tried my best to fight the irrational fears and tell myself that I could do this, but after a couple of days I realised I couldn’t put the service user at risk or put myself through that again. I could see that even though such a job appealed to many of my strengths, my weakness nullified those strengths. I therefore decided to quit that job and try and figure out another avenue. The people at the company I had been employed by were really supportive and nice, and did offer support, but at that point I really felt (and still do) that I couldn’t do it. The stress and over exertion had effected a lot of the aspect of my health and I realised it was time to get help from the doctor again.

   The doctor tried to help with medication but that always makes things worse for me so I stopped. He also referred me to local mental health help and said they would work with me to find work and help any future employers understand to take things at my pace. Months went by and there was still no word from the mental health help. I was receiving financial help from the government through what is called Employment Support Allowance (ESA). The ESA was only for a certain time period and they quickly got around to assessing my health to see if I should still be getting ESA. In this assessment I had an hour long discussion about all the things I’ve talked about in this blog with the doctor they employed. At the end she made me do a couple of basic lifting and stepping actions and then sent me on my way.

    I received a letter a short while later saying I was totally fit for work and wouldn’t be getting any more financial help from them. They said should seek Job Seekers Allowance (JSA) which will push me to find work and provide the financial aid like ESA until I do. I couldn’t understand how with the struggles I had they expected me to just go to work. The JSA system is helpful, but it can be very strict and the constant threats of the money being stopped if you don’t keep up with the expectations is horrible. Such experiences with JSA has been a struggle at this current time, but I’ll talk about that shortly. I just needed help and the help I was waiting for was taking so much longer. If the ESA had just waited and matched up to the time scale of the mental health support things would have been so much better for me. I remember the hopelessness I felt and frustration at just wanting to be healthy again so I could live a normal life. I didn’t know what to do so tried my best to be patient and think of how to help myself in this situation.

   With still no word from the mental health support, and after trying to have some social fun and just getting ill because even the simple task of being away for a weekend with not the seep I needed made me very ill, I decided it was time for a dramatic change.  I decided to be closer to my family and move from Scotland to England. The truth is I was torn in half. I didn’t want to leave Scotland and my dear dear friends, but the idea of being near my beloved family again was a nice one. The prospect of perhaps having more job opportunities down here also convinced me to leave Scotland.

I moved down and have tried to build foundations for a happier life. That hasn’t really happened, but the good that has come from being here is that I’m back to receiving help from the doctors and have a possible career path in Counselling. I’m doing a basic qualification in it and it appeals to my caring nature and I do think it’s something I could actually do even with the health struggles. There is a bit of internal conflict regarding the more passive ideology of Person Centred Counselling, but I know I can move past this and I see the benefits and power in this type of Counselling.   

   The qualification is only three hours a week and a basic level, so only a small part of what has been happening at this time. When I moved down I also started looking for work. I signed up for Job Seekers Allowance and tried to explain my health circumstance so they would help me in the way that I specifically needed. In time, and after lots of explain about my limitations they eventually started to help and not just threaten my money being cut off if I didn’t meet the requirements of Job searching hours etc.

    The reality was that it was exhausting. They wanted more than I could give and in time I became more ill than I should. I did have some success and a couple of interviews with the Royal Mail, but all the effort to do that, and job search, and maintain my life, caused me to cross a line with the health balance where it takes a long time to come back from. I’ve spent most of the last two weeks propped up in my sleeping bag and trying not to be sick. Any time that I have been out I’ve generally been able to put my mask on to appear healthy and well, but I’ve realised I’ve got to stop doing this otherwise people will make the assumption I’m well and not see the truth of my health. 

    Having tried to keep that mask off has meant the doctor and those at the Job Centre see I’m not as well as I can appear in a signal short period of time. They have suggested I go back on ESA and this will mean the demands of job searching etc are not so strict, but I will still get the financial support I need. The doctor also seems very willing to help and work with me to be healthier and happier. We tried some medication again, but as before it stops me from being able to sleep well and makes my throat and mouth really dry, which makes me swallow a lot and then throw up for some reason. The doctor also had a poke round at my stomach which made me sick. I completely stopped breathing when she did it as well and I felt my whole body have pins and needles (which did happen a couple of times back in 2010 when this first started happening). I laughed about this and focused on my breathing until I felt normal again. This shows there is a strange link between the psychological and physical connection of my stomach and mind. I just don’t know where the percentage between physical and mental health problems can be drawn. I know I’ve done a whole discussion on how they are linked and connected, but I’m sure there is a physical struggle with my stomach, but I worry the doctor will just say it’s all mental. I guess I’ll see how this unfolds as we go.

Waiting for help from the doctor is currently a challenge for me as the waiting time to see her is a month. I have to maintain patience and focus on resting during the free time I have. It just makes very little sense how my stomach and the sickness and fatigue can barely repair each day. It’s like my body doesn’t repair at a normal rate and has been slowly deteriorating over the years that I’ve been dealing with these health struggles. Ultimately theorising serves little purpose right now and I’ll wait to see what direction the doctor suggest we take these health struggles.

   I will continue to rest as much as I can in the meantime and I’ll update the current experience side of my life in a few weeks. The next blog post will be back to the discussion points and it’s a topic I find fascinating. It will cover the ideas behind emotions and the generalised masculine and feminine characteristics and their links to emotion.

Fun: Some people won’t find this funny but I nearly wet myself. It’s a little GTA mod where you play Wolverine from X-Men.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2noT4G5Q0o

Educational: A list of ten potentially helpful books that deal with certain themes relating to mental health and the circumstances that can effect mental health.

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/news/blog/2452_10_young_adult_books_that_reflect_mental_health_issues