In continuation of the last post.
It is clear that my own experiences are quite different from the
stereotype of what a man is, or what a man is ‘supposed’ to be, when it comes
to emotional awareness or expression. For example, I always preferred the
company of girls growing up. I had male friends, and played football and
computer games with them, but at various times, and most of the time, when it came to conversation I always preferred being around girls: this was mostly in my mid to late teens. I was drawn towards the types of girls who liked to talk about their emotions
and express themselves, which I admit was most. At that time I found the
generalised male behaviour of being loud, rowdy and intrusive, and I looked down
on it. That was because I didn’t understand it, and have since changed my view
on this. I have realised both, in the right circumstance, actually have great
value and worth. I must note however, on the opposite side of the coin, they
can both, in different circumstances, be as equally detrimental.
Being very emotional, I guess
it was inevitable I would favour the company of women as I made better connections
with them and I could relate more. Things changed though, and that is when I
learned the benefit of the generalised ‘male’ way of thinking and behaving. As
a consequence of my health changes in 2009/10 I stopped being able to talk
about my emotions as openly. The pain I was feeling was too much and it made my
health worse when I talked about it and got upset. There also felt like no
practical benefit to talking- it wasn’t taking the problems away. I started to
see some value in not always opening up and learning to keep my emotions as an
internal process and not vocalise, which appeared a more male thing to do.
It all came to a head when I
made the mistake of letting my negative emotions win and taking a lot of
medication to try and escape the pain and feelings of having no control. After
that choice I had no idea how I was going to come back from it. I remember
going to meet some of my guy friends at a pub, something I rarely did, and we
just chatted and had a laugh and then went to play some computer games. The
value of just not over-thinking my situation or emotions, or worrying about
them, saved me. I saw amongst the guys there was a brotherhood of unspoken
support and loyalty and trust. It was a different way of essentially doing the
same thing. That same thing was coping with the emotions of life and it was a
different style of approaching life.
My eyes were opened to this
way of thinking and style, and it was exactly what I needed at that specific
point in my life. Over time I adopted this more and more and switched to the
opposite end of the scale from that which I had once been inclined, but this in
turn caused some issues. It led to a big regret of my life. It was the way I
was coping with it, but at times I became too detached. This lost me some of my
female friends and I hurt people very dear to me. I lost those friendships and
should have treated those people better. It happened though and I have to live
with the consequences.
Thankfully, in time, I learned
to tip the balance back and currently try to adopt the right strategy for the
right circumstance. I still get this wrong, and be indifferent when I should
care, and care when I need to be indifferent. That said, I think the majority
of the time I’m getting it right, but at times I do feel I could show some more
of my emotions to others, but it’s very hard, as it still has some of the
physical effects discussed previously.
One of the biggest struggles
is that actually I do still really care, and care too much at times, but the
reality is I can’t let myself care too much, or I have to not feel the caring
side otherwise it overwhelms me. When I think about all the struggling and
suffering in this world and want to help, but because I can’t, I feel useless
and it hurts me to the core. I know I have to realise, as long as I help when I
can, then that’s an extra bonus, but it’s hard. Ultimately, the priority has to
be taking care of my own health, physically, mentally and emotionally, which is
not easy.
It comes down to finding that
balance and juggling it all, and though these two ways of thinking seem to
contradict each other it appears to work. I just need to keep an eye on it
because if I become too indifferent, I will lose the ability to be emotional,
and if I become too emotional, I will struggle to be indifferent when I need to
be.
I find another way to
understand all of this, which is slightly linked to everything discussed above,
is to define the approach as looking at things emotionally and logically. I try
to look at everything logically first and foremost, so I don’t let the often
irrational emotions lead to a painful or chaotic circumstance. Then, if an
emotional response is the best option, after applying logic first, I allow
myself to show an emotional response. Again, please don’t think I don’t love
emotions, they are intense and beautiful and wonderful and majestic, but they
can be so overpowering that they are best experienced in a self controlled
manner. If you look at most of societies struggles at this current time, a lot
of it is because people cannot deal with their own emotions. I know what I’ve
said may sound very clinical and detached, but it has been the best and most
effective way for me to function in my life. It has taken years but I would
highly recommend others given this way of looking at life more thought. That’s
just my suggestion though as life is specific and no one should assume their
way of doing something is the best way for everyone else.
To conclude this discussion,
I just want to say I think the categorising of male and female traits is a bad
practice. I understand why we need to generalise things, but not everyone is
the same and the majority of traits can be used to benefit our lives and relationships,
depending on the specific situation we are in. In my opinion we should be
adopting the broad spectrum of perspectives from both so called masculine and famine
stereotypes, and that way improve our lives and become the best kind of person
we can.
Fun: This is ridiculous and so awesome at the same time. Here we have
two universes collide very epically. Star Wars meets DC Comics in Darth Vadar
vs Batman.
Educational: Some more stuff on Emotional Intelligence. This Lecture is well worth a look.
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