So much randomness and chaos is taking place in my life and all because
of my own choices. I hope it’s all for the better, but my head is still
spinning from everything that’s going on right now.
To give you some context lets rewind
a little. If you’ve read all the updates you’ll know health related struggles have been
moving forward slowly, but positively, while living here in England. These
things include the medication that’s stopping me from being sick and tests
being booked such as an endoscopy and blood tests. While waiting for these I
decided to take a trip to Scotland to see friends for their birthdays. It was a
very tiring trip but so wonderful to see everyone again. The opportunities that
have opened up by being back up there are the chaos and randomness I mentioned
at the start. An opportunity for work occurred and I decided to go for it. It
was through a friend and the pub/restaurant they work for was looking for a
cleaner. It will be a couple of hours for seven days a week. I didn’t really
take time to think about if this was really a good idea, I just thought for a
few minutes about if I felt I could do it, and decided to give it a try.
Ultimately, I desperately need the money as ESA are ‘pending’ on the decision
about whether I’m eligible for that money. It’s been six weeks and I’ve had no money
to live off of except my credit card. I’ll come back to what’s happening with
it all in a bit.
After filling out an
application for the job as a cleaner I realised this was a pretty crazy choice
to be making. It’s only been five months that I’ve been in England and already
I’m moving back to Scotland. It’s still very chaotic as it’s only short-term
and my goal is to move back to England in September to do the level three of
the counselling qualifications. In regards to my mental and physical health
this choice has been very hard. It’s bringing up all sorts of anxieties about
failing and making myself really ill from doing too much, and letting people
down. I’ve had waves of depression linked to this, but I’m doing my best to stay
focused on one day at a time.
The reality is doing cleaning
should be easy and I really think it will be, but my mental health just makes
even simple things feel hard. Plus there's the concerns about my physical ability to
keep up and not get tired and exhausted and then sick. Hopefully the medication
will keep this at bay. I guess only time will tell if this works out an I’ll
post about it once I’m at work and achieving this goal (Staying Positive!!). I'll also have to re-book all the health tests and have them up there, and hopefully when I have those tests some indication of why I get so sick will be given.
Another really hard thing will
be saying goodbye to family, yet again. It has been so lovely to be close to family,
and I’m going to miss them more than words can say. I need to do this whole
work thing though, so I have to make this hard choice to say goodbye again. I
need to prove to myself I can work even the simplest of jobs and if for some reason
it all falls through at least I tried. I have a feeling it won’t fall through
though and despite the sadness of leaving my family again I’m excited for this
opportunity to work.
Since coming back from my
short break to Scotland and getting the job I’ve had to sort out the exit
strategy. The most important part has been with doctors. I’ve had appointments
with them and said goodbye and thanked them for their help. It was sad to end
the session with the mental health practitioner as we were making some progress
and we really didn’t have long enough to work through both how the physical and
mental health things are effecting me and my life. It would have been nice to
continue this, along with the doctor and the other tests planned in a nice
stable way, but it wasn’t to be. I need the money and if I can work I’ll try
to. These tests and help will have to continue in Scotland, and I’ll keep
things up to date as and when they happen.
In regards to the money issue
I phoned up the ESA people and I was told to try going back on job seekers. I
was told that a new policy had been brought in that can allow people to be off
sick for thirteen weeks and if I sort that out then I might be able to get it back
dated. I really hope this can happen as it will take the edge off of my
finances. My appointment is this afternoon so I will go to it and update this
account afterwards in this same blog post. At the end of the day it’s a hard
enough struggle to keep on top of my health and all things related without
having to stress so much about money. The system is so unhelpful sometimes that
I really worry how others cope and deal with the feelings of hopelessness they
must feel when trying to fight against the walls that get thrown up. People
with such problems should be given so much more support to help them be able to
rest and deal with the horrible health struggles they have. These struggles
don’t have such obvious signs of the pain but they are just as difficult to
cope with as many debilitating illnesses. I can see that there is improvement though, as the
stigma of ‘just get on with it’ is being lifted and the professionals are
starting to fight for public and governmental awareness. I’m sure in time
improvements will continue and this new thirteen week period of being sick
being allowed while on JSA is a step forward while people wait for ESA to make
their decisions and choices. The next issue is assessment of illness by the ESA
but I won’t get into that right now.
It has been a few hours since
writing all of the above and I’ve had the meeting with the JSA and it’s all
being processed so we’ll see how it goes.
In conclusion I just want to say despite the chaos and randomness I’m happy to be challenged the way I am. I’m happy to try to work and earn some money and have the esteem that comes from doing this. I know it will be good for me despite the fears and struggles I have inside. All I can say now is- Bring it on!!
Fun: Winnie the Pooh is always
fun and puts a smile on my face. Here’s a link to YouTube episodes.
Education: This is a resource suggested to me by my mental health
practitioner that might be educational for some people.
No comments:
Post a Comment