As the title suggests, things didn’t really get better and I confess I had a
breakdown on a similar scale to when the panic-attacks first started happening
in 2010. I've been trying to control the sickness but lost the balance, so as I said in the
last post I phoned the out of hours number to see a doctor. The doctor gave me
some stronger anti-sickness tablets and sent me on my way.
I couldn’t keep them down and
was starting to have panic-attacks as well. I think in hindsight I had been
having a lot of small panic-attacks and not even realised; the stress may be
what was causing me to be so sick. With the panic-attacks intensifying, and the
sickness also, I decided to go to hospital as having had no food or fluids I
was feeling very bad.
They saw me pretty quickly and
because of my high pulse rate and constant vomiting they took blood for
testing. I think this makes me very ill, as I still think some of my problems
are to do with blood distribution. The bloods, however, didn’t show anything
wrong (which I guess answers the concern about full blood count from a previous
test). I’m starting to think that perhaps because of the fatigue and ibs that
my stomach is under constant stress and in turn the stress takes blood away
from the stomach. That’s my current theory to try and make sense of the
physical side of it all. There’s obviously the psychological factors too, and after incoherently talking to the doctor (I was having mild panic-attacks on and off), they decided
that this was more of a psychological problem and couldn’t do anything for
me accept let me calm down and monitor me. They gave me even stronger
medication and told me to rest and try to eat and get my energy levels back up.
I was so exhausted by the
whole situation that I decided to talk to a mental health practitioner as I was
feeling very depressed and really wanted the suffering to end. It all just
became too much to cope with. I was losing hope and couldn’t see a way for
things to get better.
The mental health practitioner
was kind and suggested a lot of external help for once I was discharged from
the hospital, as they said there was nothing more they could do. With the
panic-attacks seemingly under control and the medication I was discharged and
picked up by my mum. I must admit I left feeling a bit lost about the future.
And I think this is a root to
what is going on. There has been a lot of excess stress from not knowing how to
proceed with my future and this might have been the psychological weight that
tipped the balance of my control over all of my stresses. With the mess of
trying to move to Scotland and it not working out, I think I lost myself in
fears and also worrying about what I was supposed to do now. I guess it all
broke me. I wish I could be a stronger person like so many people I know, but
I’m just not as resilient. I’m trying to be, or rather, I’m trying to find my
own way to be resilient and not let things overwhelm me.
In the days that followed, after I left the
hospital, things didn’t really get much better. I was in a constant state of
anxiety and unable to sleep, which only made it worse. I was able to eat a
little as the anti-sickness medication I had been given (Ondansetron) was
helpful, but I still felt hopeless. A nightmarish couple of days passed and I
managed to get an appointment with the local doctor. They were nice and
understanding about it all and gave some anti-depressants and referred me to
the local mental health team.
Not much changed though and I
couldn’t get a hold on the attacks and was only sleeping an hour or two then
waking up wide awake. It was like waking in the middle of a panic-attack and I
just needed to sleep. So I went to see the doctor again and it was a different
doctor and they gave me Sertraline, which is used for anxiety, and a few
sleeping tablets.
This has helped as I’ve been
able to sleep more than I had. In turn, I do feel a bit better and the panic-attacks and
adrenaline I feel has subsided enough at the moment. I can feel them creeping
back in and then pass from time to time, but it’s only been two days. I do feel
spaced out a lot of the time but I’ll do anything to switch off my brain right
now. All I want to do is be able to relax and not have the worst number, and
intensity, of panic-attacks I’ve had since they first began.
I’ve been thinking about this blog over the past week with how
excruciating it has all been and I realised over the years I’ve forgotten just
how bad the panic-attacks can get when completely untamed. They were so intense.
I felt my skin crawling and was hitting myself with the feeling of the mental
anguish coming from the attack. It all sounds very dramatic and to someone who
hasn’t experienced one they will think it a bit over the top, but it’s what
happens, and what happens to me.
The question is, what now?
Well, that can be a trigger so I’m trying to be very careful how much I think
about it. I have a couple of support courses I might be able to go on to help
discuss it all and find support. I’m not sure if I’ll be well enough for them,
but if I am I’ll go. I’ll also try to keep posting other discussion points on
topics I had intended to do before all of this. However, day to day life is going to be a massive challenge as the balance
between resting and doing things is proving very difficult. If I rest too much
my thoughts can get very intense and make me sick or have attacks, but then if
I try to distract myself and do too much then the fatigue and sickness gets
worse. Then in turn the opposite gets worse and it spirals out of control. It’s
a very intense thing to balance right now, but I’m trying to learn and grow
with it. One of the most important things is learning to switch off my desire
to ‘achieve’ and ‘accomplish,’ because right now the achievement has to be that
I’m healing and if this means doing very little then I have to learn to accept this
is a positive thing.
Fun: I’ve been watching some of Bill Bailey’s comedy to cheer me up.
Educational: Some information about panic disorders.
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