Today will be a short update as I’m lacking in some motivation, but I did want to give an update.
This is probably the most difficult up date to write so far. I’m
feeling a bit lost and down about everything that has happened. Basically, the
move to Scotland and work didn’t go according to plan. I stayed with my brother for a
couple of days before moving and then made the car journey up. I was feeling a
bit nervous but kept my anxieties in check. I arrived in Scotland as ready as I thought I could be for work etc. What actually made the whole
situation fall apart was filling out housing benefit forms and realising to
claim housing benefits it needs to be with a registered landlord. This wasn’t
the case with the people I was staying with, so I would not have been able to
pay them rent as was agreed.
This change in the situation
made my anxiety flare up and I had no idea what to do. After some calming down, I thought about it for a
little while and realised I couldn’t make it work. I phoned my parents and
asked them to look after me. This was difficult as I struggle to rely on
people, but I saw no over option. It’s going to be an ongoing struggle to let
others take care of me, but I will need to learn acceptance. I also had to tell
the person who offered me the job that I couldn’t do it and I felt horrible for
letting them down.
I’ve been trying so hard to
manage my conditions but I guess I’m just not strong enough. I’m really trying
and hoped doing this move to Scotland for the summer would give me some esteem
and success. However, it’s fallen through because of unforeseen circumstance
and my inability to cope with such changes. My mind just shuts down and
everything seems so much worse than perhaps it really is. I try to control it
but it’s so overwhelming that I can’t seem to do so. Then again a lot of my
health conditions are hard to cope with so I know I’m not just imagining these
struggles.
My parents are amazing and
have said they will have me here in Gloucester and I’m hoping I can figure things
out here. It’s not proving easy as I’ve been throwing up since I got here and I can’t seem to get control of it. It’s all likely a knock on effect of moving to
Scotland and that not working out and then moving back to my parents all within
five days. I find it so difficult to
cope with, and really hate that I’m so sensitive to such small amounts of
stress.
I’m trying to figure this all
out but it’s not easy. I need help from the doctors and need the support to
figure out why I’m so easily effected by stresses and help with both the physical
and mental side of what’s happening.
As I was unable to keep
breakfast and lunch down yesterday, and I lost breakfast this morning too, I decided
to phone out of hours NHS number and hopefully the doctors will be able to help
in some way. Sorry to use a bad pun, but I’m starting to get sick of it all and
I’m trying my best to fulfill the title of this blog and fight for the light, but I’m
struggling. I know I need to stay positive and really did feel a bit more
positive this morning until I couldn’t keep breakfast down.
Deep down I do believe it will
be okay in time. I just have to let those thoughts be louder than the
depression and anxiety. I will keep working at it and see how things go with
the doctor. I'll probably update in a week and when things finally settle I'll be able to write about some other discussion points.
Fun: I went to see the SpongeBob movie with my brother and nephew last
weekend and that was so much fun for me as I find SpongeBob hilarious. It’s so
silly, but I would recommend it, as being silly is sometimes healthy.
Educational: This will hopefully put some things in perspective for me
and inspire to me to keep going and hope for a better future.
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