This is going to be yet another honest and open post, and
I’m going to have to use all my strength to keep my eyes dry when writing it.
This post is about the loneliness that can occur because of mental and physical
health struggles, and more specifically about my current feelings of loneliness.
The truth is health
limitations changes things. I’ve discussed various ways this happens but I want
to focus on the solitude that can occur and the loneliness that it can bring. I
have been fortunate in my life to make friends pretty easily. Sometimes it can
take me a lot of time to actually make new friends, as those initial
introductions/greetings to new people are irrationally frightening for me, but
once I get passed that, I’ve found I can establish meaningful and loving
friendships relatively easily.
Throughout the
years of my health struggles I’ve done my best to remain sociable. At first it
was difficult as I was having the panic attacks frequently, had erratic
behaviour, and I was often afraid of irrational things, but I tried (and at
times failed) to maintain those relationships I had. I also tried my hardest to
make new ones when the opportunities presented themselves i.e gigs, parties,
socials. The latter was just an extra bonus and only happened if I felt I could
keep up with a new friendship. The priority for the majority of the last few
years has been to use the little energy I have to see and be with those I care
so deeply for. At times I also did my best to send emails and maintain
friendships with to those who weren’t in the vicinity. I learned to balance
work, social life, and rest, well and became good at accepting that I could
spend time with my friends a little here and there, but not always stay out as
late as I would like to, or join my friends in as much adventures as I had done
previously. I was okay with this as long as I got to see the majority of my
closest friends for a few hours every couple of weeks. I know I was lucky to
have so many close friends around me and tried never to take that for granted.
Since my health
struggles have become worse, I’ve suddenly become surprisingly lonely. I guess
the loneliness stems from the health struggles getting worse, and I find myself
wanting to do so much, but just unable to. An example of this was when I moved
down here I researched clubs or groups in the area that I could go to to make
friends. Considering my social anxiety about meeting new people I was very
proud of myself for getting in touch with a board game group and going along to
a day event they had. The mental battle it was to get there was tough, but once
there, and introduced to a few lovely people, I felt more relaxed and was able
to just have fun. I did have to leave earlier than I would have liked as I knew
I had to balance my fun with rest.
I had a great time
though and have wanted to go back, but I have not felt healthier enough and
have had to prioritise my time with college or job seekers etc. I have also
prioritised family things because this will always be my number one priority
after being healthy, and in truth, even before.
It’s difficult not
being able to make those new friendships or have the fun I would like, but I
can accept it. I know I have so many people that care for me even though I may
not be near them or able to see them the way I used to. I miss those friends so
so much and my heart aches to spend even an hour in their company. I moved down
knowing I would miss them, but I felt the choice to move hear would perhaps
open some doors with jobs, and I knew seeing my family more frequently would be
wonderful.
If you’ve read the
previous posts you know the job situation didn’t really go according to plan,
and now I find myself struggling to even see my family as I am so tired and
feeling sick so frequently.
Forgive me for
perhaps indulging in some self pitying, which I really try not to do because I
know there’s always something to be thankful for and ways around this
loneliness. I know it is me that decides if I feel lonely and I’ve learned well
over the years to improve my ability to be happy in my own company: when you
have to spend days and sometimes weeks doing nothing to feel healthier again
you learn to appreciate your own company. That said there is something
important about human interaction to me as a person so it’s a challenge to
accept that I’m not getting to be as sociable as I want to. I’m know that the
current difficult situation stems from my health and in time I’m sure the
doctors will help to get my health back on track, so I’m able to have the
little more socialising I want. It’s going to take time and continued patience
on my part.
I just wanted to share these experiences as I
know loneliness will be a common part of many people’s health struggles. I hope
if any of you feel lonely because of your limitations that there’s some way for
you to have the relationships and connections you desire. It’s hard, but try to
find even brief moments with those who truly love you, or maintain contact if
they aren’t close. Try not to be afraid of making new friends if you can, this
will be difficult in the short term, but the long term benefits can be very
much worth it. And if, like me, you feel you cannot get out and need to
prioritise your energy then stay hopeful for the future, opportunities might
present themselves, health get better, and as I’ve said before, there are often
many different ways to achieve the same goal i.e using the likes of skype to
chat with loved ones you may not be near, or chatting with new people in online
forums who share common interests.
To those who have
friends and family with significant health limitations, please pay special
attention to them. I’ve said it recently, but I’ll say it again, ‘it appears to
be easier to offer help than to ask for it.’ Please reach out to those who may
be struggling to maintain friendships due to health. I know you will have work,
and a number of things that take up your time, but don’t think that just
because they haven’t been in touch for a while that it doesn’t mean they don’t
want to be. It may be that they don’t want their communication to seem like
they are bothering you with their problems, or even be lacking in motivation/energy
as the mental/physical health is weighing them down (often my own barrier to
communicating with loved ones)- who knows. I guess we should never assume
anything, but as their friend, or family, you and I are best suited to observe if
they would perhaps withdraw in times of the most challenging struggles so not
to be a burden.
To add a positive
to my own situation I’m sure the sudden loneliness is temporary and perhaps only
manifesting because I’m a bit more emotional at this point in time due to
tiredness and exhaustion (I’ve been throwing up and not sleeping well). I’m
just very thankful for my family supporting me down here, to those people I’ve
met at college, to my house mates for being kind, friendly, and patient with
me, to a couple of close friends who live relatively close by down here for
their support, and to all my friends who love me no matter how much
communication we have, or how much time goes by until we next see each other.
Fun: I used to watch a lot of Jon Stewart on The Daily Show.
I haven’t recently just because I haven’t had direct access (yep, I’m lazy). I
heard that he’s leaving The Daily Show which made me remember how much I loved
watching him on that show. Jon’s a great political comedian, probably one of
the best. This is just a random video of him on the daily show.
Educational: Here is a lecture on loneliness and the importance of
socialising. I don’t know if I agree with everything in it, but there’s a lot
that shows the importance of trying to be social, and promotes thought on this topic.
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