I really shouldn’t
conclude blog posts with what the next one will be as I always seem to change
it. I’ve had some more interesting experiences so I'm going to share them to keep
the record of all that’s happening as it happens.
In the last blog post
I briefly mentioned my concerns about the doctor jumping on the band wagon of
my issues being mostly psychological. It appears they have. I really struggle
with this as it’s only because the doctor saw the psychological reaction when
they were poking around at my stomach/abdomen that they are now favouring this
approach. The problem is that my reaction is an effect of so many things and
mainly the tiredness and exhaustion. Having spent years with all the different
things I’m experiencing I’ve tested, tried and analysed, what causes what, and
how my body responds to a number of things. This reaction to being
hypersensitive to touch around my stomach hasn’t happened since the very
beginning, five years ago, and it’s only because I’m so exhausted now that my
body is having this reaction again. Back then I also had a similar reaction to
my arms (fear of being touched there) because they became hypersensitive during
the extreme tiredness of that time. That fear triggered the panic-attacks, but
fortunately that one has not flared up this time around.
In regards to the
current tiredness etc, and after all the self testing and reflection over the
years, I can only come to the conclusion that there’s something stopping my
body from repairing and causing me to become more and more tired as the years
go on. It’s as if I have less energy per day now compared to last year, or the
year before, and this is what’s making me exhausted. And then in turn this
tiredness and non-repairing is making my stomach (digestive problems) worse as
whatever is going on in there is having a major impact with the sickness and
nausea.
I know it sounds
bad of me to complain about the doctors approach, as I know they’re just trying
to help and I do appreciate that, but it just gets frustrating for me as this
is the third doctor to do the same thing over the years. Part of me just wants
them to put a camera down into my stomach and they would see there’s something
wrong, or some sort of damage, in there casusing the sickness and nausea. This then would motivate them
to try and find out what is going on with my body rather than just being like,
oh you need to be healthy psychologically and you’ll be able to manage it all
better. I’ve tried that over the years and it just isn’t working.
I’m trying not to
be too much of a stubborn idiot though, and take all the help they can give me,
and not just tell them to get lost and I’ll continue to balance it by myself,
as clearly that’s no longer working. The help I have been offered came in the form of
the doctor referring me to a Mental Health Therapist for an assessment. I’m not
even sure exactly what they’re assessing, maybe just my state of mind. I had
the first meeting with the therapist on Thursday 26th and at that point
I didn’t know they would be looking at only the mental health side. I had hoped
it was more a half and half specialist who could look at all the physical and
mental things with a more experienced eye and make some recommendations. It
wasn’t to be, however, and it was a little bit disappointing. I moved past the
disappointment and told the therapist about everything that’s gone on over the
last five years, and my own view that there is a physical cause to all these
issues. I also made them a ‘cause and effect’ map beforehand as I thought this
might be helpful for them (It’s a bit chaotic and messy, but I’ll add the
picture of it at the end of this).
After the meeting
the therapist did say they could make recommendations of anything they felt was
appropriate to my doctor, but primarily they were there to make a mental health
assessment. Of course I was happy to accept this as they were only doing their
job- both doctors are lovely and kind and clearly want to help, and that alone
is very important to me. I just don’t know what they can actually do to help,
but I’ll listen and try anything they suggest.
I’ll go back for a few sessions with the mental health
therapist and see what the assessment brings and take things from there. I’ll
be seeing my doctor on the 17th of March and see what ideas and
perspective’s are put on the table. It will be good to have a good chat with
them as it’s been a bit sporadic with only brief phone call conversations as
I’ve tried to get sick-lines/notes so I’ll have the money I need coming in. There
was a bit of confusion about this but after some clarification the doctors did
sign me off to get ESA for a month. This will mean I can relax and hopefully
shift this sickness and nausea by resting the way I’ve had to in the past when
it has got this bad. The Jobcentre and an agency I’m with are now being very
supportive in regards to work related things, now that they see I have a lot of
health struggles. They have continued to offer any support they can and I’m
very thankful to those individuals who I’ve spoken to over then months I’ve
been in England.
One final point
before I finish this update is that the therapist asked the question I have
often debated in my mind: what if they put a camera in my stomach and there was
nothing wrong in there? I didn’t answer well, but on further reflection I would
find it very confusing, but as I always have I would adapt to the best of my abilities
and realise there is way more going on with my mind/body links than even I
thought. I don’t know if I’ll ever get
the chance to see how I’d respond, as I think the doctor is going to want me to
take the psychological approach. I’ll try to be humble though, and work with
them and if there is improvement after following their lead, then wonderful,
and if not, maybe eventually they’ll just take a look inside. I just hope if it
does get to that stage and there is something wrong in there that it can be
fixed and I’m not permanently damaged because it was left for so long.
Fun: Star Wars fun that was all over facebook this week.
Educational: Picture of my 'cause and effect' map. Not really that educational but I'm putting it up here anyway.
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