It has become clear that I’ve been writing about more current personal experiences than I thought I would in this
blog. This is because a lot more seems to be happening at this time with my
health than I thought it would be. I’m happy to share these experiences and I’ve
decided that I’m going to chop and change between updates on what is happening,
and the discussion points that were my original focus for this blog.
This post is going to be one
about my personal experiences, but mainly from the past year. I’m doing this so
there is a better foundation of context for any future posts about my current
experiences.
I think I’ve already mentioned this, but about this time last year I was
trying to find other work. The nightshift job that I had been doing was changing
in its parameters and I knew my health couldn’t keep up. I applied for a care-work
job with adults that have autism. I worked with children who have autism before
the majority of my health issues and felt confident enough to try this similar
job. It was also day time work that would be better for my health, and the job
was ideal for the caring and perceptive nature I have.
I was fortunate to get this job and after some shadowing shifts did a
shift by myself. This shift was more difficult than I had expected and the
challenging nature of the service user trigged my anxieties within the first
hour. I managed to keep the fight or flight response, that get’s trigger very
intensely, under control and focused on making sure the service user’s routine
was followed. After what felt like forever I handed over the shift. The moment
I got in my car I had to let down all the walls I had been struggling to keep
up. I managed to drive home, but then the panic attack fully set in. After two
hours I finally calmed down enough to move and went inside to bed.
I woke up and tried my best to fight the irrational fears and tell
myself that I could do this, but after a couple of days I realised I couldn’t
put the service user at risk or put myself through that again. I could see that
even though such a job appealed to many of my strengths, my weakness nullified
those strengths. I therefore decided to quit that job and try and figure out
another avenue. The people at the company I had been employed by were really
supportive and nice, and did offer support, but at that point I really felt
(and still do) that I couldn’t do it. The stress and over exertion had effected
a lot of the aspect of my health and I realised it was time to get help from
the doctor again.
The doctor tried to help with medication but that always makes things
worse for me so I stopped. He also referred me to local mental health help and
said they would work with me to find work and help any future employers
understand to take things at my pace. Months went by and there was still no
word from the mental health help. I was receiving financial help from the government
through what is called Employment Support Allowance (ESA). The ESA was only for
a certain time period and they quickly got around to assessing my health to see
if I should still be getting ESA. In this assessment I had an hour long
discussion about all the things I’ve talked about in this blog with the doctor
they employed. At the end she made me do a couple of basic lifting and stepping
actions and then sent me on my way.
I received a letter a short while later
saying I was totally fit for work and wouldn’t be getting any more financial
help from them. They said should seek Job Seekers Allowance (JSA) which will
push me to find work and provide the financial aid like ESA until I do. I
couldn’t understand how with the struggles I had they expected me to just go to
work. The JSA system is helpful, but it can be very strict and the constant
threats of the money being stopped if you don’t keep up with the expectations
is horrible. Such experiences with JSA has been a struggle at this current
time, but I’ll talk about that shortly. I just needed help and the help I was
waiting for was taking so much longer. If the ESA had just waited and matched
up to the time scale of the mental health support things would have been so
much better for me. I remember the hopelessness I felt and frustration at just
wanting to be healthy again so I could live a normal life. I didn’t know what
to do so tried my best to be patient and think of how to help myself in this
situation.
With still no word from the mental health support, and after trying to
have some social fun and just getting ill because even the simple task of being
away for a weekend with not the seep I needed made me very ill, I decided it
was time for a dramatic change. I
decided to be closer to my family and move from Scotland to England. The truth
is I was torn in half. I didn’t want to leave Scotland and my dear dear
friends, but the idea of being near my beloved family again was a nice one. The
prospect of perhaps having more job opportunities down here also convinced me
to leave Scotland.
I moved down and have tried to
build foundations for a happier life. That hasn’t really happened, but the good
that has come from being here is that I’m back to receiving help from the
doctors and have a possible career path in Counselling. I’m doing a basic
qualification in it and it appeals to my caring nature and I do think it’s
something I could actually do even with the health struggles. There is a bit of
internal conflict regarding the more passive ideology of Person Centred
Counselling, but I know I can move past this and I see the benefits and power
in this type of Counselling.
The qualification is only three
hours a week and a basic level, so only a small part of what has been happening
at this time. When I moved down I also started looking for work. I signed up
for Job Seekers Allowance and tried to explain my health circumstance so they
would help me in the way that I specifically needed. In time, and after lots of
explain about my limitations they eventually started to help and not just
threaten my money being cut off if I didn’t meet the requirements of Job
searching hours etc.
The reality was that it was exhausting.
They wanted more than I could give and in time I became more ill than I should.
I did have some success and a couple of interviews with the Royal Mail, but all
the effort to do that, and job search, and maintain my life, caused me to cross
a line with the health balance where it takes a long time to come back from.
I’ve spent most of the last two weeks propped up in my sleeping bag and trying
not to be sick. Any time that I have been out I’ve generally been able to put
my mask on to appear healthy and well, but I’ve realised I’ve got to stop doing
this otherwise people will make the assumption I’m well and not see the truth
of my health.
Having tried to keep that mask
off has meant the doctor and those at the Job Centre see I’m not as well as I
can appear in a signal short period of time. They have suggested I go back on
ESA and this will mean the demands of job searching etc are not so strict, but
I will still get the financial support I need. The doctor also seems very
willing to help and work with me to be healthier and happier. We tried some
medication again, but as before it stops me from being able to sleep well and
makes my throat and mouth really dry, which makes me swallow a lot and then
throw up for some reason. The doctor also had a poke round at my stomach which
made me sick. I completely stopped breathing when she did it as well and I felt
my whole body have pins and needles (which did happen a couple of times back in
2010 when this first started happening). I laughed about this and focused on my
breathing until I felt normal again. This shows there is a strange link between
the psychological and physical connection of my stomach and mind. I just don’t
know where the percentage between physical and mental health problems can be
drawn. I know I’ve done a whole discussion on how they are linked and
connected, but I’m sure there is a physical struggle with my stomach, but I
worry the doctor will just say it’s all mental. I guess I’ll see how this
unfolds as we go.
Waiting for help from the doctor
is currently a challenge for me as the waiting time to see her is a month. I
have to maintain patience and focus on resting during the free time I have. It
just makes very little sense how my stomach and the sickness and fatigue can
barely repair each day. It’s like my body doesn’t repair at a normal rate and
has been slowly deteriorating over the years that I’ve been dealing with these
health struggles. Ultimately theorising serves little purpose right now and
I’ll wait to see what direction the doctor suggest we take these health
struggles.
I will continue to rest as much as I can in the meantime and I’ll update
the current experience side of my life in a few weeks. The next blog post will
be back to the discussion points and it’s a topic I find fascinating. It will cover the
ideas behind emotions and the generalised masculine and feminine
characteristics and their links to emotion.
Fun: Some people won’t find this
funny but I nearly wet myself. It’s a little GTA mod where you play Wolverine
from X-Men.
Educational: A list of ten potentially helpful books that
deal with certain themes relating to mental health and the circumstances that can effect mental health.
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