Emotions: Personal Experience

Many things about emotion and my own personal emotions have fascinated me for a long time. This comes from the fact that I could be classed as a very emotional person. I remember crying a lot as a child, and for very simple things such as another child calling me a name, or because I lost at a game or a sport. I also have the tendency to smile a lot and project a happy positive persona too. I guess these two ends of the scale are part of my nature to be an extremist; I never did do things by halves. It has always been all or nothing with me.

    In my teens I did get a reasonable control on some of my sensitivity, but I still struggled as the depression kicked in and even relatively simple things would upset me and my emotions would run wild. Often the emotions were so intense I longed for an end to the pain they brought. I guess they also brought a lot of happiness too but the negative emotions seemed to be felt more keenly. I had various out lets for the intensity and one of these was sports and exercise. This gave me a focus and I could channel any emotions to be my motivation to run faster, or play better. Then again at times they hindered my ability i.e playing volleyball and getting so frustrated at making errors that I would then make more. That aside, the emotional energy was transferred and this helped in my teens when I did a lot of sport.

    At university I was very fortunate to have a lot of positive experiences and I was able to express myself and have freedom away from my parents for the first time and this helped me to grow up and mature. My emotions were still intense but I focused on studying and really changing myself to be a good person to all those around me. This fluctuated from semester to semester as sometimes I did what I wanted to do, and other times I really tried to focus more on the positives. As I have said, all or nothing. There was another part of my university life that helped me and that was the ability to be very open and honest about my emotions. I had a lovely group of friends, mainly girls, who saw my emotions as a positive and not a weakness as often people do, especially in a man (I’ll discuss this idea of male/female and it’s relation to emotions in part 2 of this post).

     At the end of my university life a lot of things changed, and especially with the health as you already know. It was a time in my life that I call, ‘The Crisis Point.’ My body and mind were so worn out and under so much stress that my emotions became even more intense than they had always been. I cried a lot and I even started to get a sense of what true hate actually was, I don’t think I ever really hated anything before this. I started to really hate my circumstances and the weaknesses/limitations of my body. It was like a force inside me and it added to the dramatically fluctuating emotions I felt at that time.

   Everything was so intense that I had to change a lot of things. One thing I had to do was teach myself to care less. A lot of my emotions stem from my caring nature and desire to accomplish my goals, which are mostly rooted in my desire to help other people. Since about the age of fifteen I have done my best to help people, while doing all the other things necessary for a healthy life i.e work, study, friends, family, hobbies etc. When the crisis point occurred I couldn’t help anyone the way I used to and couldn’t be there for people the way I had been. I know I wasn’t some amazing person who was always there for his mates, but I know I was close. Anyone who needed me could always just pick up the phone and I would help in any way I could. It was just the way I wanted to be as a person. I wanted to be the loyal, reliable and good friend to those I cared for. This all changed and I could barely take care of myself. I had to stop being that reliable person otherwise it made me ill and this was one of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn. It’s been an important lesson though as has taught me people will always be okay- I’m not that special. They will find a way to get help and there will be someone to help them- I don’t need to fix everyone’s problems. These lessons have taught me the power individuals have within themselves. It was just nice to be able to help at times and be the kind of friend I wanted to be. I do miss being a positive force in people’s lives, but I have learned much from not being able to.

   So my life grinded to a halt and I was unable to help people and this made me very sad. The emotions at this time were too much and as I’ve mentioned previously I did lose control of them and wish so much for an escape that I took a bunch of pills. After that mistake I realized I could never do that again, and promised myself I wouldn’t. It has been tough though as the emotions have been just as intense as they were then, if not more so at times. It has been my ability to cope, control and rationalise these emotions that has allowed me to not struggle the same way I once did.

   The ability to cope has come from a level of detachment and a change in my perspective. It has come from trying to look at everything logically or rationally first before I feel. It has been hard, but a barrier has been created where I first look at things almost like a robot. I analyse and then allow myself to feel if I need/want to feel or just process the emotion as data if that emotion will actually be detrimental to a situation. The reality is I actually had to learn to do this, as my emotions made my health stuff so much worse. I didn’t really have a choice if I wanted to survive my own nature.

   I think I’ll continue to discuss this and some other points in the next blog update.

 

Fun: This was last nights facebook status and amused a few people so I thought I’d share.

‘Never assume that the 2 year old you're babysitting has an empty nappy, even when it's just been changed. Just because there's only a 5% chance its full doesn't make it worth while and being caught off guard and therefore taking a deep sniff thinking 'it's just best to check, but never going to be full already.' Always! And I mean, ALWAYS!! Approach with caution. Otherwise you burn your nostrils out, nearly puke and go blind for 5 mins!!! I think i've been out of practice and forgot the basics.’

Educational: I haven’t read this book, but I always keep meaning to. I think it would be very educational. Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, might be worth a read and give deeper insight on the topic of emotions.