Emotions: Part Two / Male and Female Generalisations: Part One

In continuation of the post two weeks ago.

There are a few ways in which my emotions effect my health, and why I had to learn how to control my emotions. When the panic-attacks and fatigue occurred my body was very vulnerable. As I’ve mentioned I have always been very emotionally sensitive and with the panic-attacks and fatigue any expression of these emotions would make my health so much worse. Here are a few examples of this.

   With the dry eyes any crying stings them really bad and leads to very painful headaches. It also adds to the fatigue and lack of energy. I was use to being able to express this without any concern but to stop the physical pain I had to gain control of this. So very rarely do I cry if I’m sad etc as I’ve built up the ability not to. It has taken years to gain this level of control, but as I’ve said, I’ve had to.

   Another example of the impacts of my emotions on my health is after having a panic-attack, or feeling despair and losing hope, my stomach used to shut down completely. I would either start being sick and then not able to eat, or lose my appetite entirely. These were horrible times as if I don’t eat I get dangerously fatigued and it was very painful. It took every effort to control the sadness, or hold onto hope and get my appetite back. Over the years this has become less of a problem as when these things happen it doesn’t have such a dramatic impact because of the walls I’ve built to stop my body having these effects of my emotions.

   In regards to the panic-attacks these were very irrational and would just kick in at seemingly random times. Some noticeable triggers included feelings of failure, or having too much responsibility, or when I felt afraid, but often it would be for no reason. I had to explore these reactions and learn to process them and control them so they didn’t control me. A lot of this can be done with simple breathing techniques and although doesn’t really stop them it can help me stay more focused and appear normal when having one. I still feel the adrenaline and fear and have some physical indicators, but the complete shut-down I once had has not happened for a long time as I have built up resistance.

   I mentioned it in the previous post about this subject, but I also think a lot of my inability to cope with my emotions came from not having the physical outlet I once did. I couldn’t use physical activity as a way to vent and had to learn inner control. I did also find other types of outlets that helped and in away gave me something to hold on to. This is when I discovered my creative side and occupied a lot of my rest time with drawing and writing.

Looking at the experiences as a whole, over the last five years, I have managed to slowly change my way of thinking, and build up barriers to stop my emotions from overwhelming me, or be so intense on the outside. I still feel these emotions to various degrees, but I often get to choose to which degree. It’s like having walls that contain the emotions within my being, but not effecting my physical, and I get to lower or raise those walls at will. There are obviously situations that I can't help but show my emotions, but they have to be very extreme cases, like grief, when the depression kicks in, or thinking too much about the negative things others struggle with in their lives. 

   As for the walls I have, it’s important to note that I certainly don’t want to never feel as that is not healthy. I am human after all, and one of the greatest parts of being human is being able to feel. It just comes back to the concept of balance. Letting your emotions control your every action is not healthy, but showing no emotions is just as unhealthy.

I think that’s about all the discussion needed on how my emotions effect me etc and I want to discuss some other ideas around this topic now.

Emotions and Male/Female Generalisations

For a number of years, especially before all of this and in the initial change to my health, I often wondered what it was about me that made me so much more sensitive with my emotions, or why they were so intense, or what was it about me that meant I couldn’t control them the way others could. I often debated if I was weak because I couldn’t control them. And then at times I wondered if perhaps I just had a higher capacity to feel. I still don’t know the answer and it doesn’t really matter as comparing myself to others isn’t the best way to live. This is who I am and I have to work with it, and choose, to the best of my abilities, how I wish to govern my life and learn what is the most effective in achieving my goals to be happy.

   One thing that has fascinated me on this topic is what I mentioned briefly in the previous post about emotions and how male/female aspects of emotion interest me. In a general sense we as a society have characterised certain emotions or emotional responses as male or female. We tend to say: nurturing, caring, open expression, empathetic, and most emotional responses as feminine. We relate: blunt, dominating, brash, indifference, distant, unempathetic, aggressive to a masculine way of behaving. In a general sense, yes, these ways of categorising the traits is often correct and can be seem as the difference between male and female ways of behaving, but as I’ve mentioned countless times this is not the reality when you look at individuals and specific cases, my own included. It is also important to note that human beings are very complex and to just classify some traits to all men and some to all women is a very narrow and incorrect way of looking at things.

   And I think I’ll stop here for now. I’ll finish the topic of emotion and male female characteristics in the next post.

Fun: This quick telling of Star Wars using Lego is both cute, fun and very clever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht_32nVAn5s

Education: I mentioned the book, Emotional Intelligence, in the last post about emotions. This is the author, Daniel Goleman, explaining what his definition of Emotional Intelligence is and why he thinks it’s important. This video also covers some of what I’ll be discussing in the next post.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU

Recent Experiences

Well, more events have taken place so time for an update. I can’t remember what I’ve already said, so f I repeat anything I apologise. After being nauseas and actually sick a lot for a number of days/a week I was given some medication (prochlorperazine) which has really helped take the edge of the sickness. It’s so nice not to be throwing up. I’m still feeling drained a lot of the time and a bit nauseas, but it’s nice not to be really bad like I was. The medication is helping so I’m happy with this.

   When I went to see the doctors and got given the medication they decided to give me blood tests. I don’t know if it’s normal but I felt very tired, dizzy and lightheaded for about 36 hours after having the blood take, which made me once again think that perhaps there is something to do with my blood. I’m starting to wonder whether I have enough, or the transportation of nutrients is lacking. That’s just Steven speculation and no help to anyone, but I will keep trying to analyse all the things and maybe hit the mark. I’m hoping with the doctors help something might come back to indicate what’s going on.

   During the time of waiting for the bloods I had to try and sort out the money/ESA related things and wait for the doctor to contact me so I could get more information to send away. I was told the message had been passed on to my doctor and I was seeing my doctor in a couple of days so decided to speak to them about it then.

   I went to my appointment and first of all asked the doctor about the bloods. They said everything was fine, which was disappointing as I hoped something might have shown as I have felt for a number of months that it could be something to do with my blood (We’ll come back to this topic in a minute). We then had a discussion about where to take things now and there was a little argument about whether it is time to embrace the mental health side of things or to do more tests. The doctor said I had done every test and there’s nothing more to do. I replied that I haven’t had a camera in my stomach yet to actually see if there is damage in my stomach that’s effecting my health, as the stomach is one of the key problems. The doctor was then adamant I had already had that test. After a little discussion they realised they either miss read my notes from previous doctors, or my notes were wrong. To think I’ve had such a test when I hadn’t is a pretty bad error, but I’m glad it was cleared up, but only happened because I stuck to my guns. So good and bad news is I’m going to have an endoscopy.

   This is great as it will clarify once and for all if the stomach is damaged someway that I believe it to be. And if there is nothing wrong in there then I can move forward and embrace the mental health avenue. It’s also bad as having the endoscopy is going to be brutal as being conscious while having a camera put down your throat can’t be pleasant for anyone. I’ll be sedated, but it’s going to be difficult to stay calm and not let any anxiety stuff take over. I’m sure it will be okay though as long as I apply all the strategies to distract myself.

   After coming to the agreement that going ahead with the endoscopy, we discussed the ESA stuff and the doctor wrote me out another note that they have to follow. Hopefully the ESA will be in touch and I’ll have a little bit of money coming in to cover the debts I’m racking up. Speaking of debt, I’ve also been to citizens advice bureau and they’ve referred me to the money advice section and some of my debts might be able to be reduced as they will write to the bank on my behalf so I pay less on my debts. This will mess up my credit rating but I really have no choice right now so I’m happy to do it. I have that meeting next week.

   After the doctors I went home and found a letter which made me laugh a lot. It was about my blood tests results. The doctor had said nothing was wrong, yet, the letter said I had to go back in four weeks for another full blood count. There was no explanation of why just that it needs to be done. I know the doctor is trying to help me and I appreciate the time and effort that goes into what doctors do, but it’s aggravating when so many easily avoidable mistakes are made. During the discussion with the doctor they asked why I’ve dealt with this health stuff myself for the last few years and not sort the help I should. I didn’t really answer it then, but I guess this is way. I just felt I could balance it all myself as no doctors have never truly listened or aren’t actually able to truly help due to the volume of people they see. Obviously, I can’t deal with all this anymore and that’s why I’m seeking and pushing for help, but when I feel let down constantly. Again, I do appreciate the help I am receiving and these are wonderful people trying to help so please don’t think I’m complaining I’m just making observations about my own personal experiences. If others are going through similar things just keep fighting your corner in a positive and constructive way, it’s hard at times but for the best in the long run. Don’t let things get worse and worse over the years and put yourself through a lot of pain.

I’ve also had another visit with the mental health therapist and our time was shorter than last time, but we made some progress. I’m more willing to take into account the concept/idea that if there isn’t anything too physically wrong with me it could be that all my emotional stress is almost sabotaging my body. I’m not ready to accept it just yet, but talking about it makes it easier to consider and I’ll only go down this avenue if the bloods and endoscopy don’t show anything. 

In other news I’m looking for new accommodation. I won’t go into details, but I have to move out of my current place. I’m looking for somewhere near to my brother and hopefully can find something in my price range. I should be stressed about such things but my life has been so chaotic over the last I’ve years I’m almost unphased by such things- it will work out one way or another.

I know I’ve said I shouldn’t post what the next post should be, as it always changes, but next post should be the part two about emotions.

Fun: These are terrible, ‘Doctor, Doctor,’ jokes but still put a smile on my face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FF0oUPvaeek

Education: I can’t think of anything that educational so going to leave it this week.

Emotions: Personal Experience

Many things about emotion and my own personal emotions have fascinated me for a long time. This comes from the fact that I could be classed as a very emotional person. I remember crying a lot as a child, and for very simple things such as another child calling me a name, or because I lost at a game or a sport. I also have the tendency to smile a lot and project a happy positive persona too. I guess these two ends of the scale are part of my nature to be an extremist; I never did do things by halves. It has always been all or nothing with me.

    In my teens I did get a reasonable control on some of my sensitivity, but I still struggled as the depression kicked in and even relatively simple things would upset me and my emotions would run wild. Often the emotions were so intense I longed for an end to the pain they brought. I guess they also brought a lot of happiness too but the negative emotions seemed to be felt more keenly. I had various out lets for the intensity and one of these was sports and exercise. This gave me a focus and I could channel any emotions to be my motivation to run faster, or play better. Then again at times they hindered my ability i.e playing volleyball and getting so frustrated at making errors that I would then make more. That aside, the emotional energy was transferred and this helped in my teens when I did a lot of sport.

    At university I was very fortunate to have a lot of positive experiences and I was able to express myself and have freedom away from my parents for the first time and this helped me to grow up and mature. My emotions were still intense but I focused on studying and really changing myself to be a good person to all those around me. This fluctuated from semester to semester as sometimes I did what I wanted to do, and other times I really tried to focus more on the positives. As I have said, all or nothing. There was another part of my university life that helped me and that was the ability to be very open and honest about my emotions. I had a lovely group of friends, mainly girls, who saw my emotions as a positive and not a weakness as often people do, especially in a man (I’ll discuss this idea of male/female and it’s relation to emotions in part 2 of this post).

     At the end of my university life a lot of things changed, and especially with the health as you already know. It was a time in my life that I call, ‘The Crisis Point.’ My body and mind were so worn out and under so much stress that my emotions became even more intense than they had always been. I cried a lot and I even started to get a sense of what true hate actually was, I don’t think I ever really hated anything before this. I started to really hate my circumstances and the weaknesses/limitations of my body. It was like a force inside me and it added to the dramatically fluctuating emotions I felt at that time.

   Everything was so intense that I had to change a lot of things. One thing I had to do was teach myself to care less. A lot of my emotions stem from my caring nature and desire to accomplish my goals, which are mostly rooted in my desire to help other people. Since about the age of fifteen I have done my best to help people, while doing all the other things necessary for a healthy life i.e work, study, friends, family, hobbies etc. When the crisis point occurred I couldn’t help anyone the way I used to and couldn’t be there for people the way I had been. I know I wasn’t some amazing person who was always there for his mates, but I know I was close. Anyone who needed me could always just pick up the phone and I would help in any way I could. It was just the way I wanted to be as a person. I wanted to be the loyal, reliable and good friend to those I cared for. This all changed and I could barely take care of myself. I had to stop being that reliable person otherwise it made me ill and this was one of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn. It’s been an important lesson though as has taught me people will always be okay- I’m not that special. They will find a way to get help and there will be someone to help them- I don’t need to fix everyone’s problems. These lessons have taught me the power individuals have within themselves. It was just nice to be able to help at times and be the kind of friend I wanted to be. I do miss being a positive force in people’s lives, but I have learned much from not being able to.

   So my life grinded to a halt and I was unable to help people and this made me very sad. The emotions at this time were too much and as I’ve mentioned previously I did lose control of them and wish so much for an escape that I took a bunch of pills. After that mistake I realized I could never do that again, and promised myself I wouldn’t. It has been tough though as the emotions have been just as intense as they were then, if not more so at times. It has been my ability to cope, control and rationalise these emotions that has allowed me to not struggle the same way I once did.

   The ability to cope has come from a level of detachment and a change in my perspective. It has come from trying to look at everything logically or rationally first before I feel. It has been hard, but a barrier has been created where I first look at things almost like a robot. I analyse and then allow myself to feel if I need/want to feel or just process the emotion as data if that emotion will actually be detrimental to a situation. The reality is I actually had to learn to do this, as my emotions made my health stuff so much worse. I didn’t really have a choice if I wanted to survive my own nature.

   I think I’ll continue to discuss this and some other points in the next blog update.

 

Fun: This was last nights facebook status and amused a few people so I thought I’d share.

‘Never assume that the 2 year old you're babysitting has an empty nappy, even when it's just been changed. Just because there's only a 5% chance its full doesn't make it worth while and being caught off guard and therefore taking a deep sniff thinking 'it's just best to check, but never going to be full already.' Always! And I mean, ALWAYS!! Approach with caution. Otherwise you burn your nostrils out, nearly puke and go blind for 5 mins!!! I think i've been out of practice and forgot the basics.’

Educational: I haven’t read this book, but I always keep meaning to. I think it would be very educational. Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, might be worth a read and give deeper insight on the topic of emotions. 

Loneliness

This is going to be yet another honest and open post, and I’m going to have to use all my strength to keep my eyes dry when writing it. This post is about the loneliness that can occur because of mental and physical health struggles, and more specifically about my current feelings of loneliness.

  

The truth is health limitations changes things. I’ve discussed various ways this happens but I want to focus on the solitude that can occur and the loneliness that it can bring. I have been fortunate in my life to make friends pretty easily. Sometimes it can take me a lot of time to actually make new friends, as those initial introductions/greetings to new people are irrationally frightening for me, but once I get passed that, I’ve found I can establish meaningful and loving friendships relatively easily.

   Throughout the years of my health struggles I’ve done my best to remain sociable. At first it was difficult as I was having the panic attacks frequently, had erratic behaviour, and I was often afraid of irrational things, but I tried (and at times failed) to maintain those relationships I had. I also tried my hardest to make new ones when the opportunities presented themselves i.e gigs, parties, socials. The latter was just an extra bonus and only happened if I felt I could keep up with a new friendship. The priority for the majority of the last few years has been to use the little energy I have to see and be with those I care so deeply for. At times I also did my best to send emails and maintain friendships with to those who weren’t in the vicinity. I learned to balance work, social life, and rest, well and became good at accepting that I could spend time with my friends a little here and there, but not always stay out as late as I would like to, or join my friends in as much adventures as I had done previously. I was okay with this as long as I got to see the majority of my closest friends for a few hours every couple of weeks. I know I was lucky to have so many close friends around me and tried never to take that for granted.

Since my health struggles have become worse, I’ve suddenly become surprisingly lonely. I guess the loneliness stems from the health struggles getting worse, and I find myself wanting to do so much, but just unable to. An example of this was when I moved down here I researched clubs or groups in the area that I could go to to make friends. Considering my social anxiety about meeting new people I was very proud of myself for getting in touch with a board game group and going along to a day event they had. The mental battle it was to get there was tough, but once there, and introduced to a few lovely people, I felt more relaxed and was able to just have fun. I did have to leave earlier than I would have liked as I knew I had to balance my fun with rest.

   I had a great time though and have wanted to go back, but I have not felt healthier enough and have had to prioritise my time with college or job seekers etc. I have also prioritised family things because this will always be my number one priority after being healthy, and in truth, even before.

   It’s difficult not being able to make those new friendships or have the fun I would like, but I can accept it. I know I have so many people that care for me even though I may not be near them or able to see them the way I used to. I miss those friends so so much and my heart aches to spend even an hour in their company. I moved down knowing I would miss them, but I felt the choice to move hear would perhaps open some doors with jobs, and I knew seeing my family more frequently would be wonderful.

   If you’ve read the previous posts you know the job situation didn’t really go according to plan, and now I find myself struggling to even see my family as I am so tired and feeling sick so frequently.

Forgive me for perhaps indulging in some self pitying, which I really try not to do because I know there’s always something to be thankful for and ways around this loneliness. I know it is me that decides if I feel lonely and I’ve learned well over the years to improve my ability to be happy in my own company: when you have to spend days and sometimes weeks doing nothing to feel healthier again you learn to appreciate your own company. That said there is something important about human interaction to me as a person so it’s a challenge to accept that I’m not getting to be as sociable as I want to. I’m know that the current difficult situation stems from my health and in time I’m sure the doctors will help to get my health back on track, so I’m able to have the little more socialising I want. It’s going to take time and continued patience on my part.

   I just wanted to share these experiences as I know loneliness will be a common part of many people’s health struggles. I hope if any of you feel lonely because of your limitations that there’s some way for you to have the relationships and connections you desire. It’s hard, but try to find even brief moments with those who truly love you, or maintain contact if they aren’t close. Try not to be afraid of making new friends if you can, this will be difficult in the short term, but the long term benefits can be very much worth it. And if, like me, you feel you cannot get out and need to prioritise your energy then stay hopeful for the future, opportunities might present themselves, health get better, and as I’ve said before, there are often many different ways to achieve the same goal i.e using the likes of skype to chat with loved ones you may not be near, or chatting with new people in online forums who share common interests.

To those who have friends and family with significant health limitations, please pay special attention to them. I’ve said it recently, but I’ll say it again, ‘it appears to be easier to offer help than to ask for it.’ Please reach out to those who may be struggling to maintain friendships due to health. I know you will have work, and a number of things that take up your time, but don’t think that just because they haven’t been in touch for a while that it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be. It may be that they don’t want their communication to seem like they are bothering you with their problems, or even be lacking in motivation/energy as the mental/physical health is weighing them down (often my own barrier to communicating with loved ones)- who knows. I guess we should never assume anything, but as their friend, or family, you and I are best suited to observe if they would perhaps withdraw in times of the most challenging struggles so not to be a burden.  

To add a positive to my own situation I’m sure the sudden loneliness is temporary and perhaps only manifesting because I’m a bit more emotional at this point in time due to tiredness and exhaustion (I’ve been throwing up and not sleeping well). I’m just very thankful for my family supporting me down here, to those people I’ve met at college, to my house mates for being kind, friendly, and patient with me, to a couple of close friends who live relatively close by down here for their support, and to all my friends who love me no matter how much communication we have, or how much time goes by until we next see each other.

Fun: I used to watch a lot of Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. I haven’t recently just because I haven’t had direct access (yep, I’m lazy). I heard that he’s leaving The Daily Show which made me remember how much I loved watching him on that show. Jon’s a great political comedian, probably one of the best. This is just a random video of him on the daily show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ShL-mwnE7w

Educational: Here is a lecture on loneliness and the importance of socialising. I don’t know if I agree with everything in it, but there’s a lot that shows the importance of trying to be social, and promotes thought on this topic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0hxl03JoA0

Current Experiences/ Cause and Effect

I really shouldn’t conclude blog posts with what the next one will be as I always seem to change it. I’ve had some more interesting experiences so I'm going to share them to keep the record of all that’s happening as it happens.

In the last blog post I briefly mentioned my concerns about the doctor jumping on the band wagon of my issues being mostly psychological. It appears they have. I really struggle with this as it’s only because the doctor saw the psychological reaction when they were poking around at my stomach/abdomen that they are now favouring this approach. The problem is that my reaction is an effect of so many things and mainly the tiredness and exhaustion. Having spent years with all the different things I’m experiencing I’ve tested, tried and analysed, what causes what, and how my body responds to a number of things. This reaction to being hypersensitive to touch around my stomach hasn’t happened since the very beginning, five years ago, and it’s only because I’m so exhausted now that my body is having this reaction again. Back then I also had a similar reaction to my arms (fear of being touched there) because they became hypersensitive during the extreme tiredness of that time. That fear triggered the panic-attacks, but fortunately that one has not flared up this time around.

   In regards to the current tiredness etc, and after all the self testing and reflection over the years, I can only come to the conclusion that there’s something stopping my body from repairing and causing me to become more and more tired as the years go on. It’s as if I have less energy per day now compared to last year, or the year before, and this is what’s making me exhausted. And then in turn this tiredness and non-repairing is making my stomach (digestive problems) worse as whatever is going on in there is having a major impact with the sickness and nausea. 

    I know it sounds bad of me to complain about the doctors approach, as I know they’re just trying to help and I do appreciate that, but it just gets frustrating for me as this is the third doctor to do the same thing over the years. Part of me just wants them to put a camera down into my stomach and they would see there’s something wrong, or some sort of damage, in there casusing the sickness and nausea. This then would motivate them to try and find out what is going on with my body rather than just being like, oh you need to be healthy psychologically and you’ll be able to manage it all better. I’ve tried that over the years and it just isn’t working.

   I’m trying not to be too much of a stubborn idiot though, and take all the help they can give me, and not just tell them to get lost and I’ll continue to balance it by myself, as clearly that’s no longer working. The help I have been offered came in the form of the doctor referring me to a Mental Health Therapist for an assessment. I’m not even sure exactly what they’re assessing, maybe just my state of mind. I had the first meeting with the therapist on Thursday 26^th and at that point I didn’t know they would be looking at only the mental health side. I had hoped it was more a half and half specialist who could look at all the physical and mental things with a more experienced eye and make some recommendations. It wasn’t to be, however, and it was a little bit disappointing. I moved past the disappointment and told the therapist about everything that’s gone on over the last five years, and my own view that there is a physical cause to all these issues. I also made them a ‘cause and effect’ map beforehand as I thought this might be helpful for them (It’s a bit chaotic and messy, but I’ll add the picture of it at the end of this).

   After the meeting the therapist did say they could make recommendations of anything they felt was appropriate to my doctor, but primarily they were there to make a mental health assessment. Of course I was happy to accept this as they were only doing their job- both doctors are lovely and kind and clearly want to help, and that alone is very important to me. I just don’t know what they can actually do to help, but I’ll listen and try anything they suggest.

I’ll go back for a few sessions with the mental health therapist and see what the assessment brings and take things from there. I’ll be seeing my doctor on the 17^th of March and see what ideas and perspective’s are put on the table. It will be good to have a good chat with them as it’s been a bit sporadic with only brief phone call conversations as I’ve tried to get sick-lines/notes so I’ll have the money I need coming in. There was a bit of confusion about this but after some clarification the doctors did sign me off to get ESA for a month. This will mean I can relax and hopefully shift this sickness and nausea by resting the way I’ve had to in the past when it has got this bad. The Jobcentre and an agency I’m with are now being very supportive in regards to work related things, now that they see I have a lot of health struggles. They have continued to offer any support they can and I’m very thankful to those individuals who I’ve spoken to over then months I’ve been in England.

One final point before I finish this update is that the therapist asked the question I have often debated in my mind: what if they put a camera in my stomach and there was nothing wrong in there? I didn’t answer well, but on further reflection I would find it very confusing, but as I always have I would adapt to the best of my abilities and realise there is way more going on with my mind/body links than even I thought.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to see how I’d respond, as I think the doctor is going to want me to take the psychological approach. I’ll try to be humble though, and work with them and if there is improvement after following their lead, then wonderful, and if not, maybe eventually they’ll just take a look inside. I just hope if it does get to that stage and there is something wrong in there that it can be fixed and I’m not permanently damaged because it was left for so long.  

Fun: Star Wars fun that was all over facebook this week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgtX7wR-MvY

Educational: Picture of my 'cause and effect' map. Not really that educational but I'm putting it up here anyway.

Recent Experiences

It has become clear that I’ve been writing about more current personal experiences than I thought I would in this blog. This is because a lot more seems to be happening at this time with my health than I thought it would be. I’m happy to share these experiences and I’ve decided that I’m going to chop and change between updates on what is happening, and the discussion points that were my original focus for this blog.

This post is going to be one about my personal experiences, but mainly from the past year. I’m doing this so there is a better foundation of context for any future posts about my current experiences.

   I think I’ve already mentioned this, but about this time last year I was trying to find other work. The nightshift job that I had been doing was changing in its parameters and I knew my health couldn’t keep up. I applied for a care-work job with adults that have autism. I worked with children who have autism before the majority of my health issues and felt confident enough to try this similar job. It was also day time work that would be better for my health, and the job was ideal for the caring and perceptive nature I have.

   I was fortunate to get this job and after some shadowing shifts did a shift by myself. This shift was more difficult than I had expected and the challenging nature of the service user trigged my anxieties within the first hour. I managed to keep the fight or flight response, that get’s trigger very intensely, under control and focused on making sure the service user’s routine was followed. After what felt like forever I handed over the shift. The moment I got in my car I had to let down all the walls I had been struggling to keep up. I managed to drive home, but then the panic attack fully set in. After two hours I finally calmed down enough to move and went inside to bed.

   I woke up and tried my best to fight the irrational fears and tell myself that I could do this, but after a couple of days I realised I couldn’t put the service user at risk or put myself through that again. I could see that even though such a job appealed to many of my strengths, my weakness nullified those strengths. I therefore decided to quit that job and try and figure out another avenue. The people at the company I had been employed by were really supportive and nice, and did offer support, but at that point I really felt (and still do) that I couldn’t do it. The stress and over exertion had effected a lot of the aspect of my health and I realised it was time to get help from the doctor again.

   The doctor tried to help with medication but that always makes things worse for me so I stopped. He also referred me to local mental health help and said they would work with me to find work and help any future employers understand to take things at my pace. Months went by and there was still no word from the mental health help. I was receiving financial help from the government through what is called Employment Support Allowance (ESA). The ESA was only for a certain time period and they quickly got around to assessing my health to see if I should still be getting ESA. In this assessment I had an hour long discussion about all the things I’ve talked about in this blog with the doctor they employed. At the end she made me do a couple of basic lifting and stepping actions and then sent me on my way.

    I received a letter a short while later saying I was totally fit for work and wouldn’t be getting any more financial help from them. They said should seek Job Seekers Allowance (JSA) which will push me to find work and provide the financial aid like ESA until I do. I couldn’t understand how with the struggles I had they expected me to just go to work. The JSA system is helpful, but it can be very strict and the constant threats of the money being stopped if you don’t keep up with the expectations is horrible. Such experiences with JSA has been a struggle at this current time, but I’ll talk about that shortly. I just needed help and the help I was waiting for was taking so much longer. If the ESA had just waited and matched up to the time scale of the mental health support things would have been so much better for me. I remember the hopelessness I felt and frustration at just wanting to be healthy again so I could live a normal life. I didn’t know what to do so tried my best to be patient and think of how to help myself in this situation.

   With still no word from the mental health support, and after trying to have some social fun and just getting ill because even the simple task of being away for a weekend with not the seep I needed made me very ill, I decided it was time for a dramatic change.  I decided to be closer to my family and move from Scotland to England. The truth is I was torn in half. I didn’t want to leave Scotland and my dear dear friends, but the idea of being near my beloved family again was a nice one. The prospect of perhaps having more job opportunities down here also convinced me to leave Scotland.

I moved down and have tried to build foundations for a happier life. That hasn’t really happened, but the good that has come from being here is that I’m back to receiving help from the doctors and have a possible career path in Counselling. I’m doing a basic qualification in it and it appeals to my caring nature and I do think it’s something I could actually do even with the health struggles. There is a bit of internal conflict regarding the more passive ideology of Person Centred Counselling, but I know I can move past this and I see the benefits and power in this type of Counselling.   

   The qualification is only three hours a week and a basic level, so only a small part of what has been happening at this time. When I moved down I also started looking for work. I signed up for Job Seekers Allowance and tried to explain my health circumstance so they would help me in the way that I specifically needed. In time, and after lots of explain about my limitations they eventually started to help and not just threaten my money being cut off if I didn’t meet the requirements of Job searching hours etc.

    The reality was that it was exhausting. They wanted more than I could give and in time I became more ill than I should. I did have some success and a couple of interviews with the Royal Mail, but all the effort to do that, and job search, and maintain my life, caused me to cross a line with the health balance where it takes a long time to come back from. I’ve spent most of the last two weeks propped up in my sleeping bag and trying not to be sick. Any time that I have been out I’ve generally been able to put my mask on to appear healthy and well, but I’ve realised I’ve got to stop doing this otherwise people will make the assumption I’m well and not see the truth of my health. 

    Having tried to keep that mask off has meant the doctor and those at the Job Centre see I’m not as well as I can appear in a signal short period of time. They have suggested I go back on ESA and this will mean the demands of job searching etc are not so strict, but I will still get the financial support I need. The doctor also seems very willing to help and work with me to be healthier and happier. We tried some medication again, but as before it stops me from being able to sleep well and makes my throat and mouth really dry, which makes me swallow a lot and then throw up for some reason. The doctor also had a poke round at my stomach which made me sick. I completely stopped breathing when she did it as well and I felt my whole body have pins and needles (which did happen a couple of times back in 2010 when this first started happening). I laughed about this and focused on my breathing until I felt normal again. This shows there is a strange link between the psychological and physical connection of my stomach and mind. I just don’t know where the percentage between physical and mental health problems can be drawn. I know I’ve done a whole discussion on how they are linked and connected, but I’m sure there is a physical struggle with my stomach, but I worry the doctor will just say it’s all mental. I guess I’ll see how this unfolds as we go.

Waiting for help from the doctor is currently a challenge for me as the waiting time to see her is a month. I have to maintain patience and focus on resting during the free time I have. It just makes very little sense how my stomach and the sickness and fatigue can barely repair each day. It’s like my body doesn’t repair at a normal rate and has been slowly deteriorating over the years that I’ve been dealing with these health struggles. Ultimately theorising serves little purpose right now and I’ll wait to see what direction the doctor suggest we take these health struggles.

   I will continue to rest as much as I can in the meantime and I’ll update the current experience side of my life in a few weeks. The next blog post will be back to the discussion points and it’s a topic I find fascinating. It will cover the ideas behind emotions and the generalised masculine and feminine characteristics and their links to emotion.

Fun: Some people won’t find this funny but I nearly wet myself. It’s a little GTA mod where you play Wolverine from X-Men.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2noT4G5Q0o

Educational: A list of ten potentially helpful books that deal with certain themes relating to mental health and the circumstances that can effect mental health.

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/news/blog/2452_10_young_adult_books_that_reflect_mental_health_issues

Honesty and Trust

Before I begin I just want to put a little update on how I’m doing. The last couple of posts have been about some of the struggles I’m currently facing and I just want to say I’m feeling a bit better than I have been. There’s still a long way to go and I’m doing my best to balance how much I rest and how much effort I can put into things, but I’m okay overall. There is going to be pressure put back on me from the Jobseekers department but with the support of the doctor I now feel I can manage what they require from me.

  

Today’s post is going to be about Honesty and Trust. In the last couple of posts I’ve briefly talked about how I’m trying to be as honest as possible in what I write, even though at times I do struggle with trusting this information to anyone who just happens to read it. So with those thoughts in mind I felt it was time to do a post about honesty and trust.

   I strongly feel honesty is one of the most important things in life. So many problems between people and relationships are caused because people aren’t completely truthful with one another. The lack of complete honesty leads to assumptions being made by others and then assumptions often leads to misunderstandings, then misunderstandings leads to arguments and fights. I feel if honesty is present then trust is built and when you feel you can trust someone then there is a special connection that can help us cope with difficult times. This bond can provide the support that is needed without feeling like we have to protect ourselves or even protect others by not telling them about things. 

   Being honest is easier said than done though, as we don’t live in such an ideal world where we can trust everyone. This is where good judgement and observation becomes important. We have to find people we can trust to be honest with. These people will hopefully be friends or family who will show support, but again this is not always possible, or even the desired option for some people (myself included at times), so a professional, such as a counsellour, might be the best person to talk to who you can trust. In whatever circumstances, having such a bond of trust is remarkable. The burdens can be shared without any concern of criticism and negative judgement and this helps lift the many weights we all carry and keep hidden.   

From a personal point of view, I really struggle to talk about the deeper side of my struggles to my friends and family. I don’t think it’s a trust thing though as  I do trust them, however, I do feel perhaps they wouldn’t understand and I also don’t want to burden them with my worries etc. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing as right now I feel it’s okay for me not to talk to them as that’s the approach I feel is best for me and them. I feel I can contain most of what’s going on in my life and process it, but in the past I have gone to them and opened up and have been honest and it has helped.

   I think it comes back to the common theme of being able to assess what is best for you in your specific circumstances. If you feel you could benefit from talking with someone you trust then I strongly encourage it and if you feel you can process it internally then I encourage this too. It all requires a lot of self reflection, and actually being honest to yourself, and being able to see what will help you and not letting some of the desires to be independent or not burden people get in the way of receiving the help you need. I know my own pride stops me getting help at times. Just writing about all of this has shown me that I need to improve in my ability to seek help and be honest when I’m struggling.

This leads into a bit more discussion about honesty and how sometimes ideas like ‘manning up’ or ‘getting on with it’ can be dangerous. We often think we have to be strong and keep going when deep down we know we need to slow down a bit. The opinions of others really have an impact on this because we worry what others will think if we’re not doing as well as they expect us to, or as well as we think they expect us to. My personal view is to try and not worry about what others think as long as you are honest with yourself and being honest with your limitations so you don’t make yourself more ill. It requires a lot of courage to stand up to how others might respond, but it’s an important skill if we are going to stay healthy, and as a consequence be happier. If people don’t respond compassionately or in an understanding way it says more about them than it does about you.

In respect to people who are on the outside looking in, such as family, friends, work colleges and employers I would encourage more compassion and empathy. Think about how you would feel if you had such struggles and how you’d deal with them and this will give you a better insight that not everything is black and white as sometimes we think it is. Be a friend, be kind, be caring, give good logical advice, have patience, be encouraging, and most importantly be specific to them. If you know them well then you will know the best approach that will help them. I have often noticed that it is easy to offer help than to ask for it, so don’t hesitate to be honest and ask how you can help if you’re not sure what to do. Often we make assumptions we’re helping, but we’re only helping in the way we think they need help, and not in the way they actually need. Just ask in an honest and trusting way and most likely they will thank you for it. They may just have needed someone to actually ask how they can help, so they could feel someone really cared and then they can be honest about any struggles in their life.

If we work to build those types of relationships with others I know we will experience the true essence, connections and bonds of friendship. And from my own experience, that is something certainly worth having. Honest and Trust, and how it applies to many different aspects of life, are a crucial part of this.

Fun and Education combined: Not directly related to what's above, but this is a good discussion about Honesty, Humility and Humour.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTuZmPePCho