Do The Struggles Define You? Or Do You Define The Struggles?

As I’ve been writing these discussion posts, I’ve become even more aware of how my health struggles affect all aspects of my life. Even at this time while I feel I have a solid enough grasp on everything, the constant day to day mental checking of all do i.e. eating, sleeping, how much I’ve done and can do etc, and all I am going to do over the next few days, takes up so much of my thoughts and energy.

   While I’ve thought more about the impacts on me, I’ve also wondered more about how others perceive me and if they get bored of hearing about all these things, as it can get repetitive for those around me. I did become slightly more aware of this about a year ago so stopped talking about things as much. Even while trying to limit the amount I talked about it, I still had to constantly ask people to be patient with me for various reasons as there are just things I can’t do, or I must take rest at times and people may think I’m just being lazy. So a year ago I tried to avoid the topic of health as much as I could with others around me, unless I felt I could share some experience from these things that might benefit them.

   That has now changed, as I’m willing to talk more about it, and I’ll explain why shortly. I have also realised recently that in speaking so much about my experiences it may appear that it’s like nothing ever happened in my life before the health problems occurred and that it might appear that I’m letting my health problems take over my life. The truth is it can dominate everything. The constant assessment of all my actions to make sure I don’t do too much and make myself ill has become part of my daily life. I have to do it.

   The challenge occurs when controlling/deciding how much to vocalise and how much to keep to oneself. Keeping it as only a mental process can be difficult as expressing such things vocally can relieve the pressure of it, however, if it’s always to friends and family it can be demanding on them. Therefore, a good balance of their support and seeking professional help like counselling can be of great worth to lighten the load on you and those you care about.

   In the past, I’ve also tried to tell people about my struggles to help them understand these things, but they don’t always do so- heck, sometimes I barely understand this, so can easily forgive others for not being able to. Because of the complexity of all this I’ve had to gage how people will deal with what I tell them, or judge if they really do want to learn about it etc. Again, if you are unsure who you can talk to and how much it is okay, and right, to seek support from professionals, after all that’s what they are there for.

With all the above in mind, the overall question I’ve asked myself is, how do I stop my struggles from taking over my life completely, and make sure they don’t stop me from being happy or doing the things that make me happy? 

   Well, in some ways I guess I haven’t managed to stop it from taking over my life. Evidence to prove that is this blog, but I’m writing this for practical and constructive purposes so I think that’s okay. And there are many other good reasons for writing a blog about struggles, or talking about them, so I hope people don’t think I’m discouraging that, I just think at the right time for all of us we have to gauge to what extent these things have a part in our day to day lives. As I’ve said many times, that’s up to us as individuals to decide.

   Anyway, going back to what I said earlier, one of the reasons I stopped talking about these things is because at the beginning of 2014 I thought I had everything completely under control. Then in March 2014 I tried to change job and improve my circumstance, but the level of responsibility in the new job was too much for my mental/physical health and the panic attacks and anxiety kicked in. I left the job because I knew it was something I couldn’t do, and I really felt like I had failed. It was tough to come back from that feeling, but I realised the fact I had tried was a massive success. I also had another experience a few months later where I pushed myself physically trying to do more fun social things, but it wore me out, and my stomach problems and fatigue flared up too, which again made me realise I wasn’t as a well, or even in control of everything as I thought.
   These two experiences made me think about the potential value of everything I’ve gone through over the years. I realised I wasn’t better, or ever going to get back to ‘normal,’ so I decided to embrace it and use the things that I’ve experienced, and feel I’ve learned, for some sort of good. This blog seemed like it would accomplish that so I've accepted the fact that, in a way, my struggles will always be a dominant factor in my life, but I can use them to be a driving force too.

The difference, and what I think matters most, is how we let it define our lives. In reality I don’t want it to define me at all, and a large percentage of me would love to go back to the way things were before it all. However, that’s not going to happen, so I have to choose what I do with these experiences i.e. I’m trying to use them in a constructive and positive way, and find the happiness I want too. I will not lie and sugar coat it, this has been very hard and painful. It’s been more than five years now for me and the majority of it has been an epic struggle. I still don’t know exactly how to turn all of this into something of worth but I know I will in due time.

   Of course there have been so many wonderful days, but over the years the ratio of happy days to sad days, or better phrasing might be, pain filled days to non-pain filled days, has not been as favourable as it once had been. At the start of this journey a lot of those sad/pain filled days occurred because I had to let go of many of the things I once enjoyed, as they put too much of a strain on my health. After all what we do and enjoy i.e hobbies, the way we socialise etc, contribute to who we are as a person and are the things that make us happy. When I lost those things I had to find other things to replace them, which I managed to do, but it was a long and very difficult process.

   The hope of better things also got me through, eventually, (as has been mentioned in past posts) and I’ve learned to see that in life there are a vast number of paths to any goal and many things that can bring happiness; it’s up to us to find the paths that bring happiness, or set our goals and expectations to a realistic level.
   I believe true happiness and peace can be achieved if we observe and learn about what things truly brings lasting happiness into our lives. That kind of happiness is always achievable, but it’s up to you to discover what that kind of happiness is. The health struggles we or others face don’t have to completely take over our lives and we have the power to shape our lives by choosing what we do with these experiences. It takes time, but with the right help and support it can be done.

The next post will be a part-two to this one and I’ll talk about the things I’ve had to change/adapt to continue to define my life the way I want it to be and be the person I want to be.

Education: I usually already have something in mind for this part, but I had to do a little bit of searching this time. What I’ve chosen is a post from, ‘All Things Depression,’ titled, ‘Hobbies and Mental Health.’ It may or may not be educational to you, but I learned a couple of things from reading it.

http://allthingsdepression.com/2011/02/hobbies-and-mental-health/

Fun: I watched the lego movie recently and the whole thing was so much fun. Here are the bloopers to put a smile on your face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZphPbV_1wI