If We Do Too Much And Make Ourselves Unwell, We’re No Good To Anyone. So Look After Yourself First.

(Note: there is some honest discussion about depression and suicidal thoughts)

The phrase used as the title has always been something in the back of my mind over the years, and it was actually used last week which brought it to the forefront of my thoughts. Little did I know it would be important for me to remember in the days that followed (and have now past).

   It has been important for me to remember, as I now find myself very ill. I’m going to try and keep this post short because of being ill and needing to rest, but I wanted to say a few things about what’s going on right now.

Since moving to England in November I have been on Jobseekers benefits and trying to build a foundation for the happiness I want i.e. find work to have money etc. I have done a lot things for others too, which brings me happiness, but between Jobseekers pushing me constantly to find work, which creates the constant mental reminder of how weak and useless my body and mind can be, and trying to be a support for others, I’ve broken myself.

   Ultimately, I am responsible for becoming this ill again, as I have not rested enough, but it is so difficult to balance at times. Between being exhausted because I’ve done too much and the constant mental reminders, my barriers and walls to cope, stay focused and hopeful have slowly been broken down. It’s so difficult to see any light when the threat of the little bit of money you have coming in will be taken away if you don’t keep up, and when you can’t keep up, what are you supposed to do? I’m trying to figure this out, and have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and hopefully they will be able to give some advice or help.

Currently, I’m just resting so I can be healthier at some point soon. Complete rest has been the only thing to ever fix the majority of the problems. The nausea, sickness and fatigue that occurs when I’ve done too much has hit me hard and it’s been horrible (no medication taken in the past has helped, or if it has it also makes something else worse so is pointless). I’ve spent the past three days doing as little as possible and all my focus has been on trying to keep food down. My mental state has suffered dramatically at this time as feeling so weak and exhausted affects my mental health a lot (as mentioned in the last post).

   I have felt so hopeless and despairing, as yet again my body has failed me, and I have had to really battle the depression and the thoughts to take my own life. I know some people will think that cowardice, and strange to talk about openly, but being honest as possible was one of the conditions for me when I decided to write. With all the years of putting up with my health struggles and the constant pain, part of me thinks taking my own life would be a mercy and not shameful or cowardice. However, I know such a choice would certainly diminish all hope, and even if there’s a 0.00001% chance of my life getting better one day, I try to hold onto this thought and fight the despair.

   I am also benefited by the empathy I have had most of my life and in the darkest hours I think of how my family and friends would feel and how I couldn’t put them through so much pain. It sounds strange, but I actually think they would understand in time and know that the pain I feel everyday was just too much for me. That said, I keenly feel how they would feel and it keeps me from making a choice which ultimately would be the wrong one.

   (Note: Because I have dealt with depression most of my life it doesn’t feel that strange to write about it, but I know to those who aren’t familiar with it the above might seem very strange. All I ask is you try to understand it and not judge me too harshly, and also be more understanding to others who do their best to cope with depression)

With all the above said, I’m trying to move forward as best I can; it just doesn’t help when the system puts so much pressure on me to keep up with their standards when I can’t. I’m a stubborn mule at times though and having tried to do it their way and it making me ill, I will not push myself for their sake any longer, and I will take better care of myself so I don’t find myself so ill again. I’m no use to anyone if I am ill and a lot of the happiness I find in life is helping others if I can.

   I don’t know how this is going to figure itself out and what I’m supposed to do, but I’ll do my best and deal with the consequence as best I can. The main focus has to be my health. I do know I could ask for more help from my family, but the pride of feeling that, ‘at twenty-seven years old I shouldn’t have to rely so much on others,’ is currently stopping me. If things get worse I will have to seek their help, yet again, but I have to keep trying first as I just want to be independent again.
   

Next week I’m sure I’ll update how things are going and once I’m healthier, and make it to my baseline of relatively good health, I know I will be back to a more optimistic and focused state of mind.

Education: This doesn't directly relate to what I've discussed above, but I watched it at the end of last week and it was very inspiring and educational. I highly recommend listening to it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syjEN3peCJw

Fun: We recently purchased Nerf Guns within the family :). This video, made by some guys on youtube, is an excellent representation of how things escalate once a couple of shots get fired. It's a lot of fun and so so epic!!! (a couple of swear words in the video).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKG2WAkgyyU