Recent Experience: My Second Breakdown

As the title suggests, things didn’t really get better and I confess I had a breakdown on a similar scale to when the panic-attacks first started happening in 2010. I've been trying to control the sickness but lost the balance, so as I said in the last post I phoned the out of hours number to see a doctor. The doctor gave me some stronger anti-sickness tablets and sent me on my way.

   I couldn’t keep them down and was starting to have panic-attacks as well. I think in hindsight I had been having a lot of small panic-attacks and not even realised; the stress may be what was causing me to be so sick. With the panic-attacks intensifying, and the sickness also, I decided to go to hospital as having had no food or fluids I was feeling very bad.

   They saw me pretty quickly and because of my high pulse rate and constant vomiting they took blood for testing. I think this makes me very ill, as I still think some of my problems are to do with blood distribution. The bloods, however, didn’t show anything wrong (which I guess answers the concern about full blood count from a previous test). I’m starting to think that perhaps because of the fatigue and ibs that my stomach is under constant stress and in turn the stress takes blood away from the stomach. That’s my current theory to try and make sense of the physical side of it all. There’s obviously the psychological factors too, and after incoherently talking to the doctor (I was having mild panic-attacks on and off), they decided that this was more of a psychological problem and couldn’t do anything for me accept let me calm down and monitor me. They gave me even stronger medication and told me to rest and try to eat and get my energy levels back up.

   I was so exhausted by the whole situation that I decided to talk to a mental health practitioner as I was feeling very depressed and really wanted the suffering to end. It all just became too much to cope with. I was losing hope and couldn’t see a way for things to get better.

   The mental health practitioner was kind and suggested a lot of external help for once I was discharged from the hospital, as they said there was nothing more they could do. With the panic-attacks seemingly under control and the medication I was discharged and picked up by my mum. I must admit I left feeling a bit lost about the future.

   And I think this is a root to what is going on. There has been a lot of excess stress from not knowing how to proceed with my future and this might have been the psychological weight that tipped the balance of my control over all of my stresses. With the mess of trying to move to Scotland and it not working out, I think I lost myself in fears and also worrying about what I was supposed to do now. I guess it all broke me. I wish I could be a stronger person like so many people I know, but I’m just not as resilient. I’m trying to be, or rather, I’m trying to find my own way to be resilient and not let things overwhelm me.

   In the days that followed, after I left the hospital, things didn’t really get much better. I was in a constant state of anxiety and unable to sleep, which only made it worse. I was able to eat a little as the anti-sickness medication I had been given (Ondansetron) was helpful, but I still felt hopeless. A nightmarish couple of days passed and I managed to get an appointment with the local doctor. They were nice and understanding about it all and gave some anti-depressants and referred me to the local mental health team.

   Not much changed though and I couldn’t get a hold on the attacks and was only sleeping an hour or two then waking up wide awake. It was like waking in the middle of a panic-attack and I just needed to sleep. So I went to see the doctor again and it was a different doctor and they gave me Sertraline, which is used for anxiety, and a few sleeping tablets.

   This has helped as I’ve been able to sleep more than I had. In turn, I do feel a bit better and the panic-attacks and adrenaline I feel has subsided enough at the moment. I can feel them creeping back in and then pass from time to time, but it’s only been two days. I do feel spaced out a lot of the time but I’ll do anything to switch off my brain right now. All I want to do is be able to relax and not have the worst number, and intensity, of panic-attacks I’ve had since they first began.   

I’ve been thinking about this blog over the past week with how excruciating it has all been and I realised over the years I’ve forgotten just how bad the panic-attacks can get when completely untamed. They were so intense. I felt my skin crawling and was hitting myself with the feeling of the mental anguish coming from the attack. It all sounds very dramatic and to someone who hasn’t experienced one they will think it a bit over the top, but it’s what happens, and what happens to me.

The question is, what now? Well, that can be a trigger so I’m trying to be very careful how much I think about it. I have a couple of support courses I might be able to go on to help discuss it all and find support. I’m not sure if I’ll be well enough for them, but if I am I’ll go. I’ll also try to keep posting other discussion points on topics I had intended to do before all of this. However, day to day life is going to be a massive challenge as the balance between resting and doing things is proving very difficult. If I rest too much my thoughts can get very intense and make me sick or have attacks, but then if I try to distract myself and do too much then the fatigue and sickness gets worse. Then in turn the opposite gets worse and it spirals out of control. It’s a very intense thing to balance right now, but I’m trying to learn and grow with it. One of the most important things is learning to switch off my desire to ‘achieve’ and ‘accomplish,’ because right now the achievement has to be that I’m healing and if this means doing very little then I have to learn to accept this is a positive thing.

Fun: I’ve been watching some of Bill Bailey’s comedy to cheer me up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggOa9aSG-Ow

Educational: Some information about panic disorders.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/panic-disorder/pages/introduction.aspx

Recent Experiences: Dramatic Changes

Today will be a short update as I’m lacking in some motivation, but I did want to give an update.

This is probably the most difficult up date to write so far. I’m feeling a bit lost and down about everything that has happened. Basically, the move to Scotland and work didn’t go according to plan. I stayed with my brother for a couple of days before moving and then made the car journey up. I was feeling a bit nervous but kept my anxieties in check. I arrived in Scotland as ready as I thought I could be for work etc. What actually made the whole situation fall apart was filling out housing benefit forms and realising to claim housing benefits it needs to be with a registered landlord. This wasn’t the case with the people I was staying with, so I would not have been able to pay them rent as was agreed.

   This change in the situation made my anxiety flare up and I had no idea what to do. After some calming down, I thought about it for a little while and realised I couldn’t make it work. I phoned my parents and asked them to look after me. This was difficult as I struggle to rely on people, but I saw no over option. It’s going to be an ongoing struggle to let others take care of me, but I will need to learn acceptance. I also had to tell the person who offered me the job that I couldn’t do it and I felt horrible for letting them down.

   I’ve been trying so hard to manage my conditions but I guess I’m just not strong enough. I’m really trying and hoped doing this move to Scotland for the summer would give me some esteem and success. However, it’s fallen through because of unforeseen circumstance and my inability to cope with such changes. My mind just shuts down and everything seems so much worse than perhaps it really is. I try to control it but it’s so overwhelming that I can’t seem to do so. Then again a lot of my health conditions are hard to cope with so I know I’m not just imagining these struggles.

   My parents are amazing and have said they will have me here in Gloucester and I’m hoping I can figure things out here. It’s not proving easy as I’ve been throwing up since I got here and I can’t seem to get control of it. It’s all likely a knock on effect of moving to Scotland and that not working out and then moving back to my parents all within five days. I find it so difficult to cope with, and really hate that I’m so sensitive to such small amounts of stress.

  I’m trying to figure this all out but it’s not easy. I need help from the doctors and need the support to figure out why I’m so easily effected by stresses and help with both the physical and mental side of what’s happening.

   As I was unable to keep breakfast and lunch down yesterday, and I lost breakfast this morning too, I decided to phone out of hours NHS number and hopefully the doctors will be able to help in some way. Sorry to use a bad pun, but I’m starting to get sick of it all and I’m trying my best to fulfill the title of this blog and fight for the light, but I’m struggling. I know I need to stay positive and really did feel a bit more positive this morning until I couldn’t keep breakfast down.

   Deep down I do believe it will be okay in time. I just have to let those thoughts be louder than the depression and anxiety. I will keep working at it and see how things go with the doctor. I'll probably update in a week and when things finally settle I'll be able to write about some other discussion points.

Fun: I went to see the SpongeBob movie with my brother and nephew last weekend and that was so much fun for me as I find SpongeBob hilarious. It’s so silly, but I would recommend it, as being silly is sometimes healthy.

Educational: This will hopefully put some things in perspective for me and inspire to me to keep going and hope for a better future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P2nPI6CTlc

Recent Experiences

So much randomness and chaos is taking place in my life and all because of my own choices. I hope it’s all for the better, but my head is still spinning from everything that’s going on right now.

   To give you some context lets rewind a little. If you’ve read all the updates you’ll know health related struggles have been moving forward slowly, but positively, while living here in England. These things include the medication that’s stopping me from being sick and tests being booked such as an endoscopy and blood tests. While waiting for these I decided to take a trip to Scotland to see friends for their birthdays. It was a very tiring trip but so wonderful to see everyone again. The opportunities that have opened up by being back up there are the chaos and randomness I mentioned at the start. An opportunity for work occurred and I decided to go for it. It was through a friend and the pub/restaurant they work for was looking for a cleaner. It will be a couple of hours for seven days a week. I didn’t really take time to think about if this was really a good idea, I just thought for a few minutes about if I felt I could do it, and decided to give it a try. Ultimately, I desperately need the money as ESA are ‘pending’ on the decision about whether I’m eligible for that money. It’s been six weeks and I’ve had no money to live off of except my credit card. I’ll come back to what’s happening with it all in a bit.

   After filling out an application for the job as a cleaner I realised this was a pretty crazy choice to be making. It’s only been five months that I’ve been in England and already I’m moving back to Scotland. It’s still very chaotic as it’s only short-term and my goal is to move back to England in September to do the level three of the counselling qualifications. In regards to my mental and physical health this choice has been very hard. It’s bringing up all sorts of anxieties about failing and making myself really ill from doing too much, and letting people down. I’ve had waves of depression linked to this, but I’m doing my best to stay focused on one day at a time.

   The reality is doing cleaning should be easy and I really think it will be, but my mental health just makes even simple things feel hard. Plus there's the concerns about my physical ability to keep up and not get tired and exhausted and then sick. Hopefully the medication will keep this at bay. I guess only time will tell if this works out an I’ll post about it once I’m at work and achieving this goal (Staying Positive!!). I'll also have to re-book all the health tests and have them up there, and hopefully when I have those tests some indication of why I get so sick will be given.

   Another really hard thing will be saying goodbye to family, yet again. It has been so lovely to be close to family, and I’m going to miss them more than words can say. I need to do this whole work thing though, so I have to make this hard choice to say goodbye again. I need to prove to myself I can work even the simplest of jobs and if for some reason it all falls through at least I tried. I have a feeling it won’t fall through though and despite the sadness of leaving my family again I’m excited for this opportunity to work.

Since coming back from my short break to Scotland and getting the job I’ve had to sort out the exit strategy. The most important part has been with doctors. I’ve had appointments with them and said goodbye and thanked them for their help. It was sad to end the session with the mental health practitioner as we were making some progress and we really didn’t have long enough to work through both how the physical and mental health things are effecting me and my life. It would have been nice to continue this, along with the doctor and the other tests planned in a nice stable way, but it wasn’t to be. I need the money and if I can work I’ll try to. These tests and help will have to continue in Scotland, and I’ll keep things up to date as and when they happen.

   In regards to the money issue I phoned up the ESA people and I was told to try going back on job seekers. I was told that a new policy had been brought in that can allow people to be off sick for thirteen weeks and if I sort that out then I might be able to get it back dated. I really hope this can happen as it will take the edge off of my finances. My appointment is this afternoon so I will go to it and update this account afterwards in this same blog post. At the end of the day it’s a hard enough struggle to keep on top of my health and all things related without having to stress so much about money. The system is so unhelpful sometimes that I really worry how others cope and deal with the feelings of hopelessness they must feel when trying to fight against the walls that get thrown up. People with such problems should be given so much more support to help them be able to rest and deal with the horrible health struggles they have. These struggles don’t have such obvious signs of the pain but they are just as difficult to cope with as many debilitating illnesses. I can see that there is improvement though, as the stigma of ‘just get on with it’ is being lifted and the professionals are starting to fight for public and governmental awareness. I’m sure in time improvements will continue and this new thirteen week period of being sick being allowed while on JSA is a step forward while people wait for ESA to make their decisions and choices. The next issue is assessment of illness by the ESA but I won’t get into that right now.

It has been a few hours since writing all of the above and I’ve had the meeting with the JSA and it’s all being processed so we’ll see how it goes.

In conclusion I just want to say despite the chaos and randomness I’m happy to be challenged the way I am. I’m happy to try to work and earn some money and have the esteem that comes from doing this. I know it will be good for me despite the fears and struggles I have inside. All I can say now is- Bring it on!!

Fun:  Winnie the Pooh is always fun and puts a smile on my face. Here’s a link to YouTube episodes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l60lkTxKveo

Education: This is a resource suggested to me by my mental health practitioner that might be educational for some people.

http://glasgowspcmh.org.uk/home

Emotions: Part Three / Male and Female Generalisations: Part Two

In continuation of the last post.

It is clear that my own experiences are quite different from the stereotype of what a man is, or what a man is ‘supposed’ to be, when it comes to emotional awareness or expression. For example, I always preferred the company of girls growing up. I had male friends, and played football and computer games with them, but at various times, and most of the time, when it came to conversation I always preferred being around girls: this was mostly in my mid to late teens. I was drawn towards the types of girls who liked to talk about their emotions and express themselves, which I admit was most. At that time I found the generalised male behaviour of being loud, rowdy and intrusive, and I looked down on it. That was because I didn’t understand it, and have since changed my view on this. I have realised both, in the right circumstance, actually have great value and worth. I must note however, on the opposite side of the coin, they can both, in different circumstances, be as equally detrimental.

   Being very emotional, I guess it was inevitable I would favour the company of women as I made better connections with them and I could relate more. Things changed though, and that is when I learned the benefit of the generalised ‘male’ way of thinking and behaving. As a consequence of my health changes in 2009/10 I stopped being able to talk about my emotions as openly. The pain I was feeling was too much and it made my health worse when I talked about it and got upset. There also felt like no practical benefit to talking- it wasn’t taking the problems away. I started to see some value in not always opening up and learning to keep my emotions as an internal process and not vocalise, which appeared a more male thing to do.

    It all came to a head when I made the mistake of letting my negative emotions win and taking a lot of medication to try and escape the pain and feelings of having no control. After that choice I had no idea how I was going to come back from it. I remember going to meet some of my guy friends at a pub, something I rarely did, and we just chatted and had a laugh and then went to play some computer games. The value of just not over-thinking my situation or emotions, or worrying about them, saved me. I saw amongst the guys there was a brotherhood of unspoken support and loyalty and trust. It was a different way of essentially doing the same thing. That same thing was coping with the emotions of life and it was a different style of approaching life.

   My eyes were opened to this way of thinking and style, and it was exactly what I needed at that specific point in my life. Over time I adopted this more and more and switched to the opposite end of the scale from that which I had once been inclined, but this in turn caused some issues. It led to a big regret of my life. It was the way I was coping with it, but at times I became too detached. This lost me some of my female friends and I hurt people very dear to me. I lost those friendships and should have treated those people better. It happened though and I have to live with the consequences.

   Thankfully, in time, I learned to tip the balance back and currently try to adopt the right strategy for the right circumstance. I still get this wrong, and be indifferent when I should care, and care when I need to be indifferent. That said, I think the majority of the time I’m getting it right, but at times I do feel I could show some more of my emotions to others, but it’s very hard, as it still has some of the physical effects discussed previously.

One of the biggest struggles is that actually I do still really care, and care too much at times, but the reality is I can’t let myself care too much, or I have to not feel the caring side otherwise it overwhelms me. When I think about all the struggling and suffering in this world and want to help, but because I can’t, I feel useless and it hurts me to the core. I know I have to realise, as long as I help when I can, then that’s an extra bonus, but it’s hard. Ultimately, the priority has to be taking care of my own health, physically, mentally and emotionally, which is not easy. 

    It comes down to finding that balance and juggling it all, and though these two ways of thinking seem to contradict each other it appears to work. I just need to keep an eye on it because if I become too indifferent, I will lose the ability to be emotional, and if I become too emotional, I will struggle to be indifferent when I need to be.

I find another way to understand all of this, which is slightly linked to everything discussed above, is to define the approach as looking at things emotionally and logically. I try to look at everything logically first and foremost, so I don’t let the often irrational emotions lead to a painful or chaotic circumstance. Then, if an emotional response is the best option, after applying logic first, I allow myself to show an emotional response. Again, please don’t think I don’t love emotions, they are intense and beautiful and wonderful and majestic, but they can be so overpowering that they are best experienced in a self controlled manner. If you look at most of societies struggles at this current time, a lot of it is because people cannot deal with their own emotions. I know what I’ve said may sound very clinical and detached, but it has been the best and most effective way for me to function in my life. It has taken years but I would highly recommend others given this way of looking at life more thought. That’s just my suggestion though as life is specific and no one should assume their way of doing something is the best way for everyone else.

To conclude this discussion, I just want to say I think the categorising of male and female traits is a bad practice. I understand why we need to generalise things, but not everyone is the same and the majority of traits can be used to benefit our lives and relationships, depending on the specific situation we are in. In my opinion we should be adopting the broad spectrum of perspectives from both so called masculine and famine stereotypes, and that way improve our lives and become the best kind of person we can.

Fun: This is ridiculous and so awesome at the same time. Here we have two universes collide very epically. Star Wars meets DC Comics in Darth Vadar vs Batman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj23dwWHukY

Educational: Some more stuff on Emotional Intelligence. This Lecture is well worth a look.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8JMWtwdLQ4