Emotions: Part Two / Male and Female Generalisations: Part One

In continuation of the post two weeks ago.

There are a few ways in which my emotions effect my health, and why I had to learn how to control my emotions. When the panic-attacks and fatigue occurred my body was very vulnerable. As I’ve mentioned I have always been very emotionally sensitive and with the panic-attacks and fatigue any expression of these emotions would make my health so much worse. Here are a few examples of this.

   With the dry eyes any crying stings them really bad and leads to very painful headaches. It also adds to the fatigue and lack of energy. I was use to being able to express this without any concern but to stop the physical pain I had to gain control of this. So very rarely do I cry if I’m sad etc as I’ve built up the ability not to. It has taken years to gain this level of control, but as I’ve said, I’ve had to.

   Another example of the impacts of my emotions on my health is after having a panic-attack, or feeling despair and losing hope, my stomach used to shut down completely. I would either start being sick and then not able to eat, or lose my appetite entirely. These were horrible times as if I don’t eat I get dangerously fatigued and it was very painful. It took every effort to control the sadness, or hold onto hope and get my appetite back. Over the years this has become less of a problem as when these things happen it doesn’t have such a dramatic impact because of the walls I’ve built to stop my body having these effects of my emotions.

   In regards to the panic-attacks these were very irrational and would just kick in at seemingly random times. Some noticeable triggers included feelings of failure, or having too much responsibility, or when I felt afraid, but often it would be for no reason. I had to explore these reactions and learn to process them and control them so they didn’t control me. A lot of this can be done with simple breathing techniques and although doesn’t really stop them it can help me stay more focused and appear normal when having one. I still feel the adrenaline and fear and have some physical indicators, but the complete shut-down I once had has not happened for a long time as I have built up resistance.

   I mentioned it in the previous post about this subject, but I also think a lot of my inability to cope with my emotions came from not having the physical outlet I once did. I couldn’t use physical activity as a way to vent and had to learn inner control. I did also find other types of outlets that helped and in away gave me something to hold on to. This is when I discovered my creative side and occupied a lot of my rest time with drawing and writing.

Looking at the experiences as a whole, over the last five years, I have managed to slowly change my way of thinking, and build up barriers to stop my emotions from overwhelming me, or be so intense on the outside. I still feel these emotions to various degrees, but I often get to choose to which degree. It’s like having walls that contain the emotions within my being, but not effecting my physical, and I get to lower or raise those walls at will. There are obviously situations that I can't help but show my emotions, but they have to be very extreme cases, like grief, when the depression kicks in, or thinking too much about the negative things others struggle with in their lives. 

   As for the walls I have, it’s important to note that I certainly don’t want to never feel as that is not healthy. I am human after all, and one of the greatest parts of being human is being able to feel. It just comes back to the concept of balance. Letting your emotions control your every action is not healthy, but showing no emotions is just as unhealthy.

I think that’s about all the discussion needed on how my emotions effect me etc and I want to discuss some other ideas around this topic now.

Emotions and Male/Female Generalisations

For a number of years, especially before all of this and in the initial change to my health, I often wondered what it was about me that made me so much more sensitive with my emotions, or why they were so intense, or what was it about me that meant I couldn’t control them the way others could. I often debated if I was weak because I couldn’t control them. And then at times I wondered if perhaps I just had a higher capacity to feel. I still don’t know the answer and it doesn’t really matter as comparing myself to others isn’t the best way to live. This is who I am and I have to work with it, and choose, to the best of my abilities, how I wish to govern my life and learn what is the most effective in achieving my goals to be happy.

   One thing that has fascinated me on this topic is what I mentioned briefly in the previous post about emotions and how male/female aspects of emotion interest me. In a general sense we as a society have characterised certain emotions or emotional responses as male or female. We tend to say: nurturing, caring, open expression, empathetic, and most emotional responses as feminine. We relate: blunt, dominating, brash, indifference, distant, unempathetic, aggressive to a masculine way of behaving. In a general sense, yes, these ways of categorising the traits is often correct and can be seem as the difference between male and female ways of behaving, but as I’ve mentioned countless times this is not the reality when you look at individuals and specific cases, my own included. It is also important to note that human beings are very complex and to just classify some traits to all men and some to all women is a very narrow and incorrect way of looking at things.

   And I think I’ll stop here for now. I’ll finish the topic of emotion and male female characteristics in the next post.

Fun: This quick telling of Star Wars using Lego is both cute, fun and very clever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht_32nVAn5s

Education: I mentioned the book, Emotional Intelligence, in the last post about emotions. This is the author, Daniel Goleman, explaining what his definition of Emotional Intelligence is and why he thinks it’s important. This video also covers some of what I’ll be discussing in the next post.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU

Recent Experiences

Well, more events have taken place so time for an update. I can’t remember what I’ve already said, so f I repeat anything I apologise. After being nauseas and actually sick a lot for a number of days/a week I was given some medication (prochlorperazine) which has really helped take the edge of the sickness. It’s so nice not to be throwing up. I’m still feeling drained a lot of the time and a bit nauseas, but it’s nice not to be really bad like I was. The medication is helping so I’m happy with this.

   When I went to see the doctors and got given the medication they decided to give me blood tests. I don’t know if it’s normal but I felt very tired, dizzy and lightheaded for about 36 hours after having the blood take, which made me once again think that perhaps there is something to do with my blood. I’m starting to wonder whether I have enough, or the transportation of nutrients is lacking. That’s just Steven speculation and no help to anyone, but I will keep trying to analyse all the things and maybe hit the mark. I’m hoping with the doctors help something might come back to indicate what’s going on.

   During the time of waiting for the bloods I had to try and sort out the money/ESA related things and wait for the doctor to contact me so I could get more information to send away. I was told the message had been passed on to my doctor and I was seeing my doctor in a couple of days so decided to speak to them about it then.

   I went to my appointment and first of all asked the doctor about the bloods. They said everything was fine, which was disappointing as I hoped something might have shown as I have felt for a number of months that it could be something to do with my blood (We’ll come back to this topic in a minute). We then had a discussion about where to take things now and there was a little argument about whether it is time to embrace the mental health side of things or to do more tests. The doctor said I had done every test and there’s nothing more to do. I replied that I haven’t had a camera in my stomach yet to actually see if there is damage in my stomach that’s effecting my health, as the stomach is one of the key problems. The doctor was then adamant I had already had that test. After a little discussion they realised they either miss read my notes from previous doctors, or my notes were wrong. To think I’ve had such a test when I hadn’t is a pretty bad error, but I’m glad it was cleared up, but only happened because I stuck to my guns. So good and bad news is I’m going to have an endoscopy.

   This is great as it will clarify once and for all if the stomach is damaged someway that I believe it to be. And if there is nothing wrong in there then I can move forward and embrace the mental health avenue. It’s also bad as having the endoscopy is going to be brutal as being conscious while having a camera put down your throat can’t be pleasant for anyone. I’ll be sedated, but it’s going to be difficult to stay calm and not let any anxiety stuff take over. I’m sure it will be okay though as long as I apply all the strategies to distract myself.

   After coming to the agreement that going ahead with the endoscopy, we discussed the ESA stuff and the doctor wrote me out another note that they have to follow. Hopefully the ESA will be in touch and I’ll have a little bit of money coming in to cover the debts I’m racking up. Speaking of debt, I’ve also been to citizens advice bureau and they’ve referred me to the money advice section and some of my debts might be able to be reduced as they will write to the bank on my behalf so I pay less on my debts. This will mess up my credit rating but I really have no choice right now so I’m happy to do it. I have that meeting next week.

   After the doctors I went home and found a letter which made me laugh a lot. It was about my blood tests results. The doctor had said nothing was wrong, yet, the letter said I had to go back in four weeks for another full blood count. There was no explanation of why just that it needs to be done. I know the doctor is trying to help me and I appreciate the time and effort that goes into what doctors do, but it’s aggravating when so many easily avoidable mistakes are made. During the discussion with the doctor they asked why I’ve dealt with this health stuff myself for the last few years and not sort the help I should. I didn’t really answer it then, but I guess this is way. I just felt I could balance it all myself as no doctors have never truly listened or aren’t actually able to truly help due to the volume of people they see. Obviously, I can’t deal with all this anymore and that’s why I’m seeking and pushing for help, but when I feel let down constantly. Again, I do appreciate the help I am receiving and these are wonderful people trying to help so please don’t think I’m complaining I’m just making observations about my own personal experiences. If others are going through similar things just keep fighting your corner in a positive and constructive way, it’s hard at times but for the best in the long run. Don’t let things get worse and worse over the years and put yourself through a lot of pain.

I’ve also had another visit with the mental health therapist and our time was shorter than last time, but we made some progress. I’m more willing to take into account the concept/idea that if there isn’t anything too physically wrong with me it could be that all my emotional stress is almost sabotaging my body. I’m not ready to accept it just yet, but talking about it makes it easier to consider and I’ll only go down this avenue if the bloods and endoscopy don’t show anything. 

In other news I’m looking for new accommodation. I won’t go into details, but I have to move out of my current place. I’m looking for somewhere near to my brother and hopefully can find something in my price range. I should be stressed about such things but my life has been so chaotic over the last I’ve years I’m almost unphased by such things- it will work out one way or another.

I know I’ve said I shouldn’t post what the next post should be, as it always changes, but next post should be the part two about emotions.

Fun: These are terrible, ‘Doctor, Doctor,’ jokes but still put a smile on my face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FF0oUPvaeek

Education: I can’t think of anything that educational so going to leave it this week.

Emotions: Personal Experience

Many things about emotion and my own personal emotions have fascinated me for a long time. This comes from the fact that I could be classed as a very emotional person. I remember crying a lot as a child, and for very simple things such as another child calling me a name, or because I lost at a game or a sport. I also have the tendency to smile a lot and project a happy positive persona too. I guess these two ends of the scale are part of my nature to be an extremist; I never did do things by halves. It has always been all or nothing with me.

    In my teens I did get a reasonable control on some of my sensitivity, but I still struggled as the depression kicked in and even relatively simple things would upset me and my emotions would run wild. Often the emotions were so intense I longed for an end to the pain they brought. I guess they also brought a lot of happiness too but the negative emotions seemed to be felt more keenly. I had various out lets for the intensity and one of these was sports and exercise. This gave me a focus and I could channel any emotions to be my motivation to run faster, or play better. Then again at times they hindered my ability i.e playing volleyball and getting so frustrated at making errors that I would then make more. That aside, the emotional energy was transferred and this helped in my teens when I did a lot of sport.

    At university I was very fortunate to have a lot of positive experiences and I was able to express myself and have freedom away from my parents for the first time and this helped me to grow up and mature. My emotions were still intense but I focused on studying and really changing myself to be a good person to all those around me. This fluctuated from semester to semester as sometimes I did what I wanted to do, and other times I really tried to focus more on the positives. As I have said, all or nothing. There was another part of my university life that helped me and that was the ability to be very open and honest about my emotions. I had a lovely group of friends, mainly girls, who saw my emotions as a positive and not a weakness as often people do, especially in a man (I’ll discuss this idea of male/female and it’s relation to emotions in part 2 of this post).

     At the end of my university life a lot of things changed, and especially with the health as you already know. It was a time in my life that I call, ‘The Crisis Point.’ My body and mind were so worn out and under so much stress that my emotions became even more intense than they had always been. I cried a lot and I even started to get a sense of what true hate actually was, I don’t think I ever really hated anything before this. I started to really hate my circumstances and the weaknesses/limitations of my body. It was like a force inside me and it added to the dramatically fluctuating emotions I felt at that time.

   Everything was so intense that I had to change a lot of things. One thing I had to do was teach myself to care less. A lot of my emotions stem from my caring nature and desire to accomplish my goals, which are mostly rooted in my desire to help other people. Since about the age of fifteen I have done my best to help people, while doing all the other things necessary for a healthy life i.e work, study, friends, family, hobbies etc. When the crisis point occurred I couldn’t help anyone the way I used to and couldn’t be there for people the way I had been. I know I wasn’t some amazing person who was always there for his mates, but I know I was close. Anyone who needed me could always just pick up the phone and I would help in any way I could. It was just the way I wanted to be as a person. I wanted to be the loyal, reliable and good friend to those I cared for. This all changed and I could barely take care of myself. I had to stop being that reliable person otherwise it made me ill and this was one of the most difficult lessons I’ve had to learn. It’s been an important lesson though as has taught me people will always be okay- I’m not that special. They will find a way to get help and there will be someone to help them- I don’t need to fix everyone’s problems. These lessons have taught me the power individuals have within themselves. It was just nice to be able to help at times and be the kind of friend I wanted to be. I do miss being a positive force in people’s lives, but I have learned much from not being able to.

   So my life grinded to a halt and I was unable to help people and this made me very sad. The emotions at this time were too much and as I’ve mentioned previously I did lose control of them and wish so much for an escape that I took a bunch of pills. After that mistake I realized I could never do that again, and promised myself I wouldn’t. It has been tough though as the emotions have been just as intense as they were then, if not more so at times. It has been my ability to cope, control and rationalise these emotions that has allowed me to not struggle the same way I once did.

   The ability to cope has come from a level of detachment and a change in my perspective. It has come from trying to look at everything logically or rationally first before I feel. It has been hard, but a barrier has been created where I first look at things almost like a robot. I analyse and then allow myself to feel if I need/want to feel or just process the emotion as data if that emotion will actually be detrimental to a situation. The reality is I actually had to learn to do this, as my emotions made my health stuff so much worse. I didn’t really have a choice if I wanted to survive my own nature.

   I think I’ll continue to discuss this and some other points in the next blog update.

 

Fun: This was last nights facebook status and amused a few people so I thought I’d share.

‘Never assume that the 2 year old you're babysitting has an empty nappy, even when it's just been changed. Just because there's only a 5% chance its full doesn't make it worth while and being caught off guard and therefore taking a deep sniff thinking 'it's just best to check, but never going to be full already.' Always! And I mean, ALWAYS!! Approach with caution. Otherwise you burn your nostrils out, nearly puke and go blind for 5 mins!!! I think i've been out of practice and forgot the basics.’

Educational: I haven’t read this book, but I always keep meaning to. I think it would be very educational. Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, might be worth a read and give deeper insight on the topic of emotions. 

Loneliness

This is going to be yet another honest and open post, and I’m going to have to use all my strength to keep my eyes dry when writing it. This post is about the loneliness that can occur because of mental and physical health struggles, and more specifically about my current feelings of loneliness.

  

The truth is health limitations changes things. I’ve discussed various ways this happens but I want to focus on the solitude that can occur and the loneliness that it can bring. I have been fortunate in my life to make friends pretty easily. Sometimes it can take me a lot of time to actually make new friends, as those initial introductions/greetings to new people are irrationally frightening for me, but once I get passed that, I’ve found I can establish meaningful and loving friendships relatively easily.

   Throughout the years of my health struggles I’ve done my best to remain sociable. At first it was difficult as I was having the panic attacks frequently, had erratic behaviour, and I was often afraid of irrational things, but I tried (and at times failed) to maintain those relationships I had. I also tried my hardest to make new ones when the opportunities presented themselves i.e gigs, parties, socials. The latter was just an extra bonus and only happened if I felt I could keep up with a new friendship. The priority for the majority of the last few years has been to use the little energy I have to see and be with those I care so deeply for. At times I also did my best to send emails and maintain friendships with to those who weren’t in the vicinity. I learned to balance work, social life, and rest, well and became good at accepting that I could spend time with my friends a little here and there, but not always stay out as late as I would like to, or join my friends in as much adventures as I had done previously. I was okay with this as long as I got to see the majority of my closest friends for a few hours every couple of weeks. I know I was lucky to have so many close friends around me and tried never to take that for granted.

Since my health struggles have become worse, I’ve suddenly become surprisingly lonely. I guess the loneliness stems from the health struggles getting worse, and I find myself wanting to do so much, but just unable to. An example of this was when I moved down here I researched clubs or groups in the area that I could go to to make friends. Considering my social anxiety about meeting new people I was very proud of myself for getting in touch with a board game group and going along to a day event they had. The mental battle it was to get there was tough, but once there, and introduced to a few lovely people, I felt more relaxed and was able to just have fun. I did have to leave earlier than I would have liked as I knew I had to balance my fun with rest.

   I had a great time though and have wanted to go back, but I have not felt healthier enough and have had to prioritise my time with college or job seekers etc. I have also prioritised family things because this will always be my number one priority after being healthy, and in truth, even before.

   It’s difficult not being able to make those new friendships or have the fun I would like, but I can accept it. I know I have so many people that care for me even though I may not be near them or able to see them the way I used to. I miss those friends so so much and my heart aches to spend even an hour in their company. I moved down knowing I would miss them, but I felt the choice to move hear would perhaps open some doors with jobs, and I knew seeing my family more frequently would be wonderful.

   If you’ve read the previous posts you know the job situation didn’t really go according to plan, and now I find myself struggling to even see my family as I am so tired and feeling sick so frequently.

Forgive me for perhaps indulging in some self pitying, which I really try not to do because I know there’s always something to be thankful for and ways around this loneliness. I know it is me that decides if I feel lonely and I’ve learned well over the years to improve my ability to be happy in my own company: when you have to spend days and sometimes weeks doing nothing to feel healthier again you learn to appreciate your own company. That said there is something important about human interaction to me as a person so it’s a challenge to accept that I’m not getting to be as sociable as I want to. I’m know that the current difficult situation stems from my health and in time I’m sure the doctors will help to get my health back on track, so I’m able to have the little more socialising I want. It’s going to take time and continued patience on my part.

   I just wanted to share these experiences as I know loneliness will be a common part of many people’s health struggles. I hope if any of you feel lonely because of your limitations that there’s some way for you to have the relationships and connections you desire. It’s hard, but try to find even brief moments with those who truly love you, or maintain contact if they aren’t close. Try not to be afraid of making new friends if you can, this will be difficult in the short term, but the long term benefits can be very much worth it. And if, like me, you feel you cannot get out and need to prioritise your energy then stay hopeful for the future, opportunities might present themselves, health get better, and as I’ve said before, there are often many different ways to achieve the same goal i.e using the likes of skype to chat with loved ones you may not be near, or chatting with new people in online forums who share common interests.

To those who have friends and family with significant health limitations, please pay special attention to them. I’ve said it recently, but I’ll say it again, ‘it appears to be easier to offer help than to ask for it.’ Please reach out to those who may be struggling to maintain friendships due to health. I know you will have work, and a number of things that take up your time, but don’t think that just because they haven’t been in touch for a while that it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be. It may be that they don’t want their communication to seem like they are bothering you with their problems, or even be lacking in motivation/energy as the mental/physical health is weighing them down (often my own barrier to communicating with loved ones)- who knows. I guess we should never assume anything, but as their friend, or family, you and I are best suited to observe if they would perhaps withdraw in times of the most challenging struggles so not to be a burden.  

To add a positive to my own situation I’m sure the sudden loneliness is temporary and perhaps only manifesting because I’m a bit more emotional at this point in time due to tiredness and exhaustion (I’ve been throwing up and not sleeping well). I’m just very thankful for my family supporting me down here, to those people I’ve met at college, to my house mates for being kind, friendly, and patient with me, to a couple of close friends who live relatively close by down here for their support, and to all my friends who love me no matter how much communication we have, or how much time goes by until we next see each other.

Fun: I used to watch a lot of Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. I haven’t recently just because I haven’t had direct access (yep, I’m lazy). I heard that he’s leaving The Daily Show which made me remember how much I loved watching him on that show. Jon’s a great political comedian, probably one of the best. This is just a random video of him on the daily show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ShL-mwnE7w

Educational: Here is a lecture on loneliness and the importance of socialising. I don’t know if I agree with everything in it, but there’s a lot that shows the importance of trying to be social, and promotes thought on this topic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0hxl03JoA0

Current Experiences/ Cause and Effect

I really shouldn’t conclude blog posts with what the next one will be as I always seem to change it. I’ve had some more interesting experiences so I'm going to share them to keep the record of all that’s happening as it happens.

In the last blog post I briefly mentioned my concerns about the doctor jumping on the band wagon of my issues being mostly psychological. It appears they have. I really struggle with this as it’s only because the doctor saw the psychological reaction when they were poking around at my stomach/abdomen that they are now favouring this approach. The problem is that my reaction is an effect of so many things and mainly the tiredness and exhaustion. Having spent years with all the different things I’m experiencing I’ve tested, tried and analysed, what causes what, and how my body responds to a number of things. This reaction to being hypersensitive to touch around my stomach hasn’t happened since the very beginning, five years ago, and it’s only because I’m so exhausted now that my body is having this reaction again. Back then I also had a similar reaction to my arms (fear of being touched there) because they became hypersensitive during the extreme tiredness of that time. That fear triggered the panic-attacks, but fortunately that one has not flared up this time around.

   In regards to the current tiredness etc, and after all the self testing and reflection over the years, I can only come to the conclusion that there’s something stopping my body from repairing and causing me to become more and more tired as the years go on. It’s as if I have less energy per day now compared to last year, or the year before, and this is what’s making me exhausted. And then in turn this tiredness and non-repairing is making my stomach (digestive problems) worse as whatever is going on in there is having a major impact with the sickness and nausea. 

    I know it sounds bad of me to complain about the doctors approach, as I know they’re just trying to help and I do appreciate that, but it just gets frustrating for me as this is the third doctor to do the same thing over the years. Part of me just wants them to put a camera down into my stomach and they would see there’s something wrong, or some sort of damage, in there casusing the sickness and nausea. This then would motivate them to try and find out what is going on with my body rather than just being like, oh you need to be healthy psychologically and you’ll be able to manage it all better. I’ve tried that over the years and it just isn’t working.

   I’m trying not to be too much of a stubborn idiot though, and take all the help they can give me, and not just tell them to get lost and I’ll continue to balance it by myself, as clearly that’s no longer working. The help I have been offered came in the form of the doctor referring me to a Mental Health Therapist for an assessment. I’m not even sure exactly what they’re assessing, maybe just my state of mind. I had the first meeting with the therapist on Thursday 26^th and at that point I didn’t know they would be looking at only the mental health side. I had hoped it was more a half and half specialist who could look at all the physical and mental things with a more experienced eye and make some recommendations. It wasn’t to be, however, and it was a little bit disappointing. I moved past the disappointment and told the therapist about everything that’s gone on over the last five years, and my own view that there is a physical cause to all these issues. I also made them a ‘cause and effect’ map beforehand as I thought this might be helpful for them (It’s a bit chaotic and messy, but I’ll add the picture of it at the end of this).

   After the meeting the therapist did say they could make recommendations of anything they felt was appropriate to my doctor, but primarily they were there to make a mental health assessment. Of course I was happy to accept this as they were only doing their job- both doctors are lovely and kind and clearly want to help, and that alone is very important to me. I just don’t know what they can actually do to help, but I’ll listen and try anything they suggest.

I’ll go back for a few sessions with the mental health therapist and see what the assessment brings and take things from there. I’ll be seeing my doctor on the 17^th of March and see what ideas and perspective’s are put on the table. It will be good to have a good chat with them as it’s been a bit sporadic with only brief phone call conversations as I’ve tried to get sick-lines/notes so I’ll have the money I need coming in. There was a bit of confusion about this but after some clarification the doctors did sign me off to get ESA for a month. This will mean I can relax and hopefully shift this sickness and nausea by resting the way I’ve had to in the past when it has got this bad. The Jobcentre and an agency I’m with are now being very supportive in regards to work related things, now that they see I have a lot of health struggles. They have continued to offer any support they can and I’m very thankful to those individuals who I’ve spoken to over then months I’ve been in England.

One final point before I finish this update is that the therapist asked the question I have often debated in my mind: what if they put a camera in my stomach and there was nothing wrong in there? I didn’t answer well, but on further reflection I would find it very confusing, but as I always have I would adapt to the best of my abilities and realise there is way more going on with my mind/body links than even I thought.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to see how I’d respond, as I think the doctor is going to want me to take the psychological approach. I’ll try to be humble though, and work with them and if there is improvement after following their lead, then wonderful, and if not, maybe eventually they’ll just take a look inside. I just hope if it does get to that stage and there is something wrong in there that it can be fixed and I’m not permanently damaged because it was left for so long.  

Fun: Star Wars fun that was all over facebook this week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgtX7wR-MvY

Educational: Picture of my 'cause and effect' map. Not really that educational but I'm putting it up here anyway.