Perspectives / Support from Professionals: It Makes All The Difference

It’s only been two days since my last post but I wanted to put an update up while certain things were fresh in my mind.

Since writing the last post I’ve thought a little bit about what others might think when reading it. Although I have no great concerns about how others perceive me and what I write, I am interested and intrigued by how people perceive things in general. With that in mind, I’ve been wondering how people will view what I’ve written in the last post. I was open and honest about my depression and the level of suicidal thoughts that frequently attack me and I was honest about how much I’ve been struggling. My only concern about what I’ve written is that some people will perceive my words as too negative.

   I have mentioned before that I don’t really think my discussions are negative, just a logical analysis of my own circumstance and emotions. However, that’s my perspective and everyone is different so please approach all of this as you wish and take what you want from it; after all, that’s what’s most important at the end of the day. If others do think I’m negative at times I hope it’s not wrong of me to suggest, perhaps, the adoption of my own approach and look at what I’ve written with a logical approach first, then use this as the foundation for an emotional/positive or negative approach if you wish. This emotional/logical perspective and its relationship will be looked at more in a future blog post as it’s something that fascinates me. Even in the last few days the doctor, who was seeing me for the first time, touched briefly on how I seem to show high functioning levels of both emotion and logic.

This leads perfectly into the next part of what I wanted to share today. As mentioned, I’ve been feeling horrible and a bit lost recently and struggling to see how I was going to move forward. I was worried the Doctor might not be able to help me or not see how much I’m struggling, but I was mistaken. The Doctor listened to me waffle for a few minutes, as I tried to give an overview of what was going on and how I was struggling to keep up with certain expectations. After she listened she discussed a few things with me and then without hesitation and with compassion she gave me a note for time off from Jobseekers so I could rest and rebuild my strength and health. Just the relief of knowing I wasn’t going to be hounded by Jobseekers meant I could relax and not stress about this. Such a small act of help and the weight of this being lifted was exactly what I needed.

   I can now sit back for a week or so and recover and be able to move forward at a slower pace that will not burn me out. The Doctor wants regular visits to discuss how to move things forward and decide what support she can offer. The goodness and kindness she has shown has made a world of difference and filled me with a little more hope. I know I have the kindness of friends and family and that has always been my greatest support, but knowing there is a professional who is on my side and wants to help adds to the well of hope that I can draw upon. I was fortunate to have a similar Doctor who tried to help when I was living in Scotland, but the support of mental health professionals he referred me to took three months to respond, and by that time I had moved down here.

    I know it may take just as long again but I have focus here with college and hopefully some volunteering that I will do my best to balance with the rest I need. The simple act of a professional having some understanding and compassion towards me has been so important, but I know it is not always the case. To any who feel they are not receiving the help they need please keep looking. If you have to change Doctor, or, depending on what you’re going through, transfer to another professional, then do it. There are those out there who understand and want to help. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find them, but they do exist.

   As for me it’s now time to put on an audiobook and keep resting as the nausea and fatigue are shifting, but very slowly.   

   No Fun or Educational links today, just a simple smile from me to you :) 

If We Do Too Much And Make Ourselves Unwell, We’re No Good To Anyone. So Look After Yourself First.

(Note: there is some honest discussion about depression and suicidal thoughts)

The phrase used as the title has always been something in the back of my mind over the years, and it was actually used last week which brought it to the forefront of my thoughts. Little did I know it would be important for me to remember in the days that followed (and have now past).

   It has been important for me to remember, as I now find myself very ill. I’m going to try and keep this post short because of being ill and needing to rest, but I wanted to say a few things about what’s going on right now.

Since moving to England in November I have been on Jobseekers benefits and trying to build a foundation for the happiness I want i.e. find work to have money etc. I have done a lot things for others too, which brings me happiness, but between Jobseekers pushing me constantly to find work, which creates the constant mental reminder of how weak and useless my body and mind can be, and trying to be a support for others, I’ve broken myself.

   Ultimately, I am responsible for becoming this ill again, as I have not rested enough, but it is so difficult to balance at times. Between being exhausted because I’ve done too much and the constant mental reminders, my barriers and walls to cope, stay focused and hopeful have slowly been broken down. It’s so difficult to see any light when the threat of the little bit of money you have coming in will be taken away if you don’t keep up, and when you can’t keep up, what are you supposed to do? I’m trying to figure this out, and have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and hopefully they will be able to give some advice or help.

Currently, I’m just resting so I can be healthier at some point soon. Complete rest has been the only thing to ever fix the majority of the problems. The nausea, sickness and fatigue that occurs when I’ve done too much has hit me hard and it’s been horrible (no medication taken in the past has helped, or if it has it also makes something else worse so is pointless). I’ve spent the past three days doing as little as possible and all my focus has been on trying to keep food down. My mental state has suffered dramatically at this time as feeling so weak and exhausted affects my mental health a lot (as mentioned in the last post).

   I have felt so hopeless and despairing, as yet again my body has failed me, and I have had to really battle the depression and the thoughts to take my own life. I know some people will think that cowardice, and strange to talk about openly, but being honest as possible was one of the conditions for me when I decided to write. With all the years of putting up with my health struggles and the constant pain, part of me thinks taking my own life would be a mercy and not shameful or cowardice. However, I know such a choice would certainly diminish all hope, and even if there’s a 0.00001% chance of my life getting better one day, I try to hold onto this thought and fight the despair.

   I am also benefited by the empathy I have had most of my life and in the darkest hours I think of how my family and friends would feel and how I couldn’t put them through so much pain. It sounds strange, but I actually think they would understand in time and know that the pain I feel everyday was just too much for me. That said, I keenly feel how they would feel and it keeps me from making a choice which ultimately would be the wrong one.

   (Note: Because I have dealt with depression most of my life it doesn’t feel that strange to write about it, but I know to those who aren’t familiar with it the above might seem very strange. All I ask is you try to understand it and not judge me too harshly, and also be more understanding to others who do their best to cope with depression)

With all the above said, I’m trying to move forward as best I can; it just doesn’t help when the system puts so much pressure on me to keep up with their standards when I can’t. I’m a stubborn mule at times though and having tried to do it their way and it making me ill, I will not push myself for their sake any longer, and I will take better care of myself so I don’t find myself so ill again. I’m no use to anyone if I am ill and a lot of the happiness I find in life is helping others if I can.

   I don’t know how this is going to figure itself out and what I’m supposed to do, but I’ll do my best and deal with the consequence as best I can. The main focus has to be my health. I do know I could ask for more help from my family, but the pride of feeling that, ‘at twenty-seven years old I shouldn’t have to rely so much on others,’ is currently stopping me. If things get worse I will have to seek their help, yet again, but I have to keep trying first as I just want to be independent again.
   

Next week I’m sure I’ll update how things are going and once I’m healthier, and make it to my baseline of relatively good health, I know I will be back to a more optimistic and focused state of mind.

Education: This doesn't directly relate to what I've discussed above, but I watched it at the end of last week and it was very inspiring and educational. I highly recommend listening to it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syjEN3peCJw

Fun: We recently purchased Nerf Guns within the family :). This video, made by some guys on youtube, is an excellent representation of how things escalate once a couple of shots get fired. It's a lot of fun and so so epic!!! (a couple of swear words in the video).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKG2WAkgyyU

Cycle Of Physical And Mental Health: How One Affects The Other And The Potential Endless Cycle

In these discussion posts I’ve been writing about two different things- physical health and mental health. This works for discussing the topics as separate things and keeping things relatively simple; as I mentioned in the first post the loose definitions I’ve been using are as follows: Physical Health as predominately things related to the body, and Mental Health predominately related to the mind/thoughts, emotions and behaviour. The reality is that both are intertwined so complexly that even after many decades of study the academic/professional industry doesn’t fully understand the relationship between the body and the mind. In this post I want to share a few experiences I’ve had with that relationship and how important it is to stay healthy in both body and mind as one can seriously affect the other.

Throughout my teenage years I dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts many times a week. There were a whole bunch of emotional extremes that added to the depression, but I found ways to cope/channel and rationalise such thoughts and feelings. By my mind teens I had a grasp on it so that it was reasonably under control. At about sixteen years old I started having the first signs of my dry eye problems and joint pain from time to time. When it was bad it made my depression more intense and when I was tired from the sports I did, or work, or school I would feel even more depressed/intense in my emotions. There was a relatively simple correlation and I continued to manage it as best I could.

   It became so much more complex when such things as the IBS, Panic Attacks and Chronic Fatigue struggles were thrown into the mix. When I started being sick and having panic attacks the link between my mental health and physical health was so fragilely mixed, and needed balancing so carefully that the stress became very intense. It became a cycle of cause and effect and effect and cause.  It is difficult to find the original start and it seems to be a, ‘what came first, the chicken or the egg’ situation. There were so many factors at the same time that I think it’s impossible to put find a beginning ‘cause’ but the reality it doesn’t really matter.

   One thing that does matter is learning what is happening so you can understand it as much as possible. This took me a long time to do, especially with the panic attacks. After much research and self reflection it was clear my fight or flight mode was being activated too easily. At the start I had fears of being close to people and even the thought of someone touching me freaked me out. There were some very strange psychological things going on, no doubt caused by being so physically ill (Note: I’m still differentiating between Phys. and Ment. for ease, but certainly intertwined).

   At first I really struggled to accept that there could be links between my physical and mental health. I was adamant nothing but something physical was messing me up and pushed for a lot of tests. None of those tests came back so I had to learn to accept that my mental health could be seriously affecting my physical i.e being sick and not eating well; then being sick and not well would affect my mental health etc.

   It gives me a headache thinking about the connections as cause and effect tends to be one thing effects the other, but when both effect the other it becomes confusing. I have had to learn to self reflect and analyse so well that I know which one is affecting the other or perhaps both effecting the other at the same time. I still miss judged this but have learned over the years how sensitive my body and mind can be and to accept that my mental health seriously effects my physical. Examples of this include how my emotional state can really affect my IBS and make me sick.

  I remember a few years ago I went on a couple of dates with a girl and started to really like her. I thought she liked me too and when I expressed my desire to be in a relationship it all fell apart. I didn’t have a great level of control of my emotions and this experience upset me a lot. The strange part was how it affected my health. Because I was upset and feeling lonely my stomach shut down. Anything I tried to eat came back up and I felt nauseas a lot. And then not eating and drinking would make me tired and emotional, and I would think I was a freak etc.

   It took a little bit of time, but as I got my emotions under control my health improved and I was able to eat etc and not feel sick. This was an important experience to show me the connections between my body and mind. I learned a lot from it and it has also should me the benefits of learning to process my emotions better and rationalise them so they do not affect my body and overall health. There are many examples of stressful situations that have caused my IBS and panic attacks to exasperate and I have to continually check what I’m doing etc to make sure I’m healthy. 

I hope my examples and experiences show how delicate the mental and physical balance can be and that in reality they are all connected. As always, we as individuals have to be self aware enough and accepting of this reality. If these problems do occur then we can get them in check as quickly as possible by looking after our mental/emotional state as well as the physical, and by helping the one we help the other.

Education: Here’s a short introduction to the mixed nature of mental and physical health done by Crash Course. It mainly talks about the chemical aspect to the relationship.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4N-7AlzK7s

Fun: The Emperor’s New Groove is one of the funniest films ever!! Here’s some highlights J

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaZhG0Pi6Vo

Do The Struggles Define You? Or Do You Define The Struggles? Part 2

This is the part-two from the previous post. In that post I discussed a few thoughts on how I’ve tried to balance the impact my health struggles have had on me, and on various aspects of my life. This follow-up discussion will be some examples of how I’ve had to change/adapt my life so that I still get to be who I want to be and have the happiness I want. The overall theme is that despite challenges we can find ways to define how they affect us our lives. I said it the first ever blog post, but I’ll say it again, these are just what I’ve found helps me, everyone is different. We as individuals have to find what works for us, but the below are just some examples.

I guess I’ll begin with a background of some of the things I enjoyed as a child/teen/young adult, how the health struggles changed things, and then after that discuss the things I did to adapt and still bring happiness.

   From a very early age I love sports. I played football pretty much every day as an older child and I also did a lot of cross-country running for a few years. In my early teens I favoured going running more than the football, but still played with a group of the guys at my second high school at lunch time. At my third high school I played football every so often but as Physical Education was my favourite subject I enjoyed using the fitness room, swimming, running, volleyball, badminton and some basketball. I did so much sport that I was pretty much known for it in my year. I then went off to university and didn’t do so much as I started having joint pains. The summer after my first year I worked in America at a summer-camp and had a couple of health issues, one of which was my eyes hurting a lot (I’ll come back to this) and when I got back I started to have a lot of knee pain when trying to exercise. I stopped exercising and focused on my studies and working as a care-worker.

   I missed doing sports, but after trying physio and other things that didn’t help I gave up trying. Towards the end of 2009 my health got really bad as this is when the IBS and Panic attacks began and I became very ill; as I’ve mentioned before I did manage to balance it to the point I was relatively well. I then had to work hard at becoming stronger. Also at this time I was refereed me to the orthopaedic specialist and discovered my knee joint pain could be fixed my insoles in my shoes. I then began to ever so slightly run once a week and do physio on my upper body, using resistance bands to start with. In time, and with such slow increase in intensity, I became healthy and stronger. I went back to work and for a few years I worked and continued to run and work out. It was so good to be doing it again, but in time it became too much for my IBS and fatigue. I had to slow things down and stopped running but stuck to a work-out every two weeks.

   I’m still getting to work-out every so often but I can feel it becoming more and more demanding on my struggles. I’m going to try and maintain strength, but we’ll see what happens and if I have to accept doing even less.

   As I mentioned before I have had eye troubles over the years and this has been diagnosed and Chronic Dry eyes (No eye drops etc have helped and actually makes it worse). This has been a hard struggle as other things I’ve loved since a teen includes reading, playing computer games and watching films. I’ve had to limit these over the years and almost never play computer games anymore.  

   Another health change includes fatigue almost all the time, and even staying up late is a struggle and this year was the first year in two that I’ve been up for midnight on new year. I used to love going out to clubs, being with friends and dancing, but it’s almost too exhausting now and haven’t been out in a long time. And even when I did do it in the past five years I used to have to make sure I had a day or two after to rest and recover just from one night out.

I know the above might seem like a moan about what I can’t do, but it’s not. I think it’s important to note that I believe we often put a negative or positive on things when actually there isn’t one. To me the brief account on what I used to do is just data and information about what has happened; it’s us who puts our interpretation on it. Sure in the past the above may have been a negative to me, but I’ve learned to see it as just experience that I can use for a positive. This leads nicely on to what things I’ve done to adapt and how the things above have actually opened up a lot of new and fun things for me to develop and experience.

Because of the above struggles I’ve often had to find other things to do as hobbies that bring me enjoyment. I’ve both tried to continue hobbies that make me happy, and I’ve had to try completely new ones, as some, like I’ve said, I just can’t do anymore, i.e. running and exercising the same way.

   When the dramatic change of panic-attacks etc occurred I had to find something to fill my time that wasn’t demanding on my health. I had always loved doodling so did a lot more of this, and as well as this I took up a new hobby that has been quite a journey for me. The doodling wasn’t enough to help pass the time when resting, and I tried to think of things to help pass the time. I’ve always enjoyed stories and reading, and to cut a long story short I thought it would be cool to write stories, but had no experience in this and no idea where to start. Fortunately, a few weeks after this an idea for a story came into my mind, and, well, over the past five years I’ve written a number of stories and it has been fun to learn a new skill and be creative. Because of this experience I’ve learned how important it is to have something that allows creativity and self expression.

   Another change I’ve made is to how much I read. As a result of my dry eyes I cannot read books as frequently as I would like and even when I do read it often hurts. I had to find another option so began listening to audiobooks. I have also taken a greater interest in board games such as Risk and Scrabble as these can be competitive and enjoyable the way sports were for me, and not demanding physically. 

   Yet, another lesson I’ve personally learned from my experiences is the value of patience and the importance of the fable of the tortoise and the hare. In my life I’ve often tried new things, but then if it didn’t work out I would just give up and try something else and continue this pattern. Now I’m better at balancing this and I keep trying and don’t just stop when it doesn’t seem to work, as so often things don’t work out the first time or after multiple tries- ‘I did not fail. I have found ten thousand ways that won’t work,’ Thomas Edison’s disputed quote. I strongly feel that a good balance of finding new things and persevering with what you already enjoy is important. When finding new things to do that bring happiness it requires a lot of creativity and imagination. On the reverse side of this is the harsh reality that some things just can’t me done anymore, and an acceptance of this, and the ability to let them go, is important if we are to be happy.

As I mentioned in the previous post, the overall lesson I take is that I think in some way health struggles will always define us, but it’s our choice in how we let them. If the struggles affect us negatively it’s often our choice and usually occurs because we dwell on what we can’t do anymore. Overcoming this is easier said than done and a very painful and exhausting process. It took years for me to let go of some of what I used to do and it still hurts occasionally. But in time, and with great perseverance, the positive outcomes can be achieved, and we can learn new things that bring happiness, and find ways to give the struggles value and worth to ourselves and others. And then again, we don’t have to give it those values. It’s totally up to us as individuals to choose whatever we want, and see what works best for our own unique take on this experience we call life.  

 

Education: A short document about sport and the transition out of it. Though short and relating specifically to sport there are gems of knowledge if applied to other aspects of life and to any type of transition or challenging change in circumstance.

http://www.olympic.org/Documents/elite_athletes/TRANSITION_ADJUSTMENT.pdf

Fun: They say laughter is the best medicine and if so this would cure everything. I think Elmo is amazing. Enjoy!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4x-VW_rCSE

Do The Struggles Define You? Or Do You Define The Struggles?

As I’ve been writing these discussion posts, I’ve become even more aware of how my health struggles affect all aspects of my life. Even at this time while I feel I have a solid enough grasp on everything, the constant day to day mental checking of all do i.e. eating, sleeping, how much I’ve done and can do etc, and all I am going to do over the next few days, takes up so much of my thoughts and energy.

   While I’ve thought more about the impacts on me, I’ve also wondered more about how others perceive me and if they get bored of hearing about all these things, as it can get repetitive for those around me. I did become slightly more aware of this about a year ago so stopped talking about things as much. Even while trying to limit the amount I talked about it, I still had to constantly ask people to be patient with me for various reasons as there are just things I can’t do, or I must take rest at times and people may think I’m just being lazy. So a year ago I tried to avoid the topic of health as much as I could with others around me, unless I felt I could share some experience from these things that might benefit them.

   That has now changed, as I’m willing to talk more about it, and I’ll explain why shortly. I have also realised recently that in speaking so much about my experiences it may appear that it’s like nothing ever happened in my life before the health problems occurred and that it might appear that I’m letting my health problems take over my life. The truth is it can dominate everything. The constant assessment of all my actions to make sure I don’t do too much and make myself ill has become part of my daily life. I have to do it.

   The challenge occurs when controlling/deciding how much to vocalise and how much to keep to oneself. Keeping it as only a mental process can be difficult as expressing such things vocally can relieve the pressure of it, however, if it’s always to friends and family it can be demanding on them. Therefore, a good balance of their support and seeking professional help like counselling can be of great worth to lighten the load on you and those you care about.

   In the past, I’ve also tried to tell people about my struggles to help them understand these things, but they don’t always do so- heck, sometimes I barely understand this, so can easily forgive others for not being able to. Because of the complexity of all this I’ve had to gage how people will deal with what I tell them, or judge if they really do want to learn about it etc. Again, if you are unsure who you can talk to and how much it is okay, and right, to seek support from professionals, after all that’s what they are there for.

With all the above in mind, the overall question I’ve asked myself is, how do I stop my struggles from taking over my life completely, and make sure they don’t stop me from being happy or doing the things that make me happy? 

   Well, in some ways I guess I haven’t managed to stop it from taking over my life. Evidence to prove that is this blog, but I’m writing this for practical and constructive purposes so I think that’s okay. And there are many other good reasons for writing a blog about struggles, or talking about them, so I hope people don’t think I’m discouraging that, I just think at the right time for all of us we have to gauge to what extent these things have a part in our day to day lives. As I’ve said many times, that’s up to us as individuals to decide.

   Anyway, going back to what I said earlier, one of the reasons I stopped talking about these things is because at the beginning of 2014 I thought I had everything completely under control. Then in March 2014 I tried to change job and improve my circumstance, but the level of responsibility in the new job was too much for my mental/physical health and the panic attacks and anxiety kicked in. I left the job because I knew it was something I couldn’t do, and I really felt like I had failed. It was tough to come back from that feeling, but I realised the fact I had tried was a massive success. I also had another experience a few months later where I pushed myself physically trying to do more fun social things, but it wore me out, and my stomach problems and fatigue flared up too, which again made me realise I wasn’t as a well, or even in control of everything as I thought.
   These two experiences made me think about the potential value of everything I’ve gone through over the years. I realised I wasn’t better, or ever going to get back to ‘normal,’ so I decided to embrace it and use the things that I’ve experienced, and feel I’ve learned, for some sort of good. This blog seemed like it would accomplish that so I've accepted the fact that, in a way, my struggles will always be a dominant factor in my life, but I can use them to be a driving force too.

The difference, and what I think matters most, is how we let it define our lives. In reality I don’t want it to define me at all, and a large percentage of me would love to go back to the way things were before it all. However, that’s not going to happen, so I have to choose what I do with these experiences i.e. I’m trying to use them in a constructive and positive way, and find the happiness I want too. I will not lie and sugar coat it, this has been very hard and painful. It’s been more than five years now for me and the majority of it has been an epic struggle. I still don’t know exactly how to turn all of this into something of worth but I know I will in due time.

   Of course there have been so many wonderful days, but over the years the ratio of happy days to sad days, or better phrasing might be, pain filled days to non-pain filled days, has not been as favourable as it once had been. At the start of this journey a lot of those sad/pain filled days occurred because I had to let go of many of the things I once enjoyed, as they put too much of a strain on my health. After all what we do and enjoy i.e hobbies, the way we socialise etc, contribute to who we are as a person and are the things that make us happy. When I lost those things I had to find other things to replace them, which I managed to do, but it was a long and very difficult process.

   The hope of better things also got me through, eventually, (as has been mentioned in past posts) and I’ve learned to see that in life there are a vast number of paths to any goal and many things that can bring happiness; it’s up to us to find the paths that bring happiness, or set our goals and expectations to a realistic level.
   I believe true happiness and peace can be achieved if we observe and learn about what things truly brings lasting happiness into our lives. That kind of happiness is always achievable, but it’s up to you to discover what that kind of happiness is. The health struggles we or others face don’t have to completely take over our lives and we have the power to shape our lives by choosing what we do with these experiences. It takes time, but with the right help and support it can be done.

The next post will be a part-two to this one and I’ll talk about the things I’ve had to change/adapt to continue to define my life the way I want it to be and be the person I want to be.

Education: I usually already have something in mind for this part, but I had to do a little bit of searching this time. What I’ve chosen is a post from, ‘All Things Depression,’ titled, ‘Hobbies and Mental Health.’ It may or may not be educational to you, but I learned a couple of things from reading it.

http://allthingsdepression.com/2011/02/hobbies-and-mental-health/

Fun: I watched the lego movie recently and the whole thing was so much fun. Here are the bloopers to put a smile on your face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZphPbV_1wI