Recent Experiences

It has become clear that I’ve been writing about more current personal experiences than I thought I would in this blog. This is because a lot more seems to be happening at this time with my health than I thought it would be. I’m happy to share these experiences and I’ve decided that I’m going to chop and change between updates on what is happening, and the discussion points that were my original focus for this blog.

This post is going to be one about my personal experiences, but mainly from the past year. I’m doing this so there is a better foundation of context for any future posts about my current experiences.

   I think I’ve already mentioned this, but about this time last year I was trying to find other work. The nightshift job that I had been doing was changing in its parameters and I knew my health couldn’t keep up. I applied for a care-work job with adults that have autism. I worked with children who have autism before the majority of my health issues and felt confident enough to try this similar job. It was also day time work that would be better for my health, and the job was ideal for the caring and perceptive nature I have.

   I was fortunate to get this job and after some shadowing shifts did a shift by myself. This shift was more difficult than I had expected and the challenging nature of the service user trigged my anxieties within the first hour. I managed to keep the fight or flight response, that get’s trigger very intensely, under control and focused on making sure the service user’s routine was followed. After what felt like forever I handed over the shift. The moment I got in my car I had to let down all the walls I had been struggling to keep up. I managed to drive home, but then the panic attack fully set in. After two hours I finally calmed down enough to move and went inside to bed.

   I woke up and tried my best to fight the irrational fears and tell myself that I could do this, but after a couple of days I realised I couldn’t put the service user at risk or put myself through that again. I could see that even though such a job appealed to many of my strengths, my weakness nullified those strengths. I therefore decided to quit that job and try and figure out another avenue. The people at the company I had been employed by were really supportive and nice, and did offer support, but at that point I really felt (and still do) that I couldn’t do it. The stress and over exertion had effected a lot of the aspect of my health and I realised it was time to get help from the doctor again.

   The doctor tried to help with medication but that always makes things worse for me so I stopped. He also referred me to local mental health help and said they would work with me to find work and help any future employers understand to take things at my pace. Months went by and there was still no word from the mental health help. I was receiving financial help from the government through what is called Employment Support Allowance (ESA). The ESA was only for a certain time period and they quickly got around to assessing my health to see if I should still be getting ESA. In this assessment I had an hour long discussion about all the things I’ve talked about in this blog with the doctor they employed. At the end she made me do a couple of basic lifting and stepping actions and then sent me on my way.

    I received a letter a short while later saying I was totally fit for work and wouldn’t be getting any more financial help from them. They said should seek Job Seekers Allowance (JSA) which will push me to find work and provide the financial aid like ESA until I do. I couldn’t understand how with the struggles I had they expected me to just go to work. The JSA system is helpful, but it can be very strict and the constant threats of the money being stopped if you don’t keep up with the expectations is horrible. Such experiences with JSA has been a struggle at this current time, but I’ll talk about that shortly. I just needed help and the help I was waiting for was taking so much longer. If the ESA had just waited and matched up to the time scale of the mental health support things would have been so much better for me. I remember the hopelessness I felt and frustration at just wanting to be healthy again so I could live a normal life. I didn’t know what to do so tried my best to be patient and think of how to help myself in this situation.

   With still no word from the mental health support, and after trying to have some social fun and just getting ill because even the simple task of being away for a weekend with not the seep I needed made me very ill, I decided it was time for a dramatic change.  I decided to be closer to my family and move from Scotland to England. The truth is I was torn in half. I didn’t want to leave Scotland and my dear dear friends, but the idea of being near my beloved family again was a nice one. The prospect of perhaps having more job opportunities down here also convinced me to leave Scotland.

I moved down and have tried to build foundations for a happier life. That hasn’t really happened, but the good that has come from being here is that I’m back to receiving help from the doctors and have a possible career path in Counselling. I’m doing a basic qualification in it and it appeals to my caring nature and I do think it’s something I could actually do even with the health struggles. There is a bit of internal conflict regarding the more passive ideology of Person Centred Counselling, but I know I can move past this and I see the benefits and power in this type of Counselling.   

   The qualification is only three hours a week and a basic level, so only a small part of what has been happening at this time. When I moved down I also started looking for work. I signed up for Job Seekers Allowance and tried to explain my health circumstance so they would help me in the way that I specifically needed. In time, and after lots of explain about my limitations they eventually started to help and not just threaten my money being cut off if I didn’t meet the requirements of Job searching hours etc.

    The reality was that it was exhausting. They wanted more than I could give and in time I became more ill than I should. I did have some success and a couple of interviews with the Royal Mail, but all the effort to do that, and job search, and maintain my life, caused me to cross a line with the health balance where it takes a long time to come back from. I’ve spent most of the last two weeks propped up in my sleeping bag and trying not to be sick. Any time that I have been out I’ve generally been able to put my mask on to appear healthy and well, but I’ve realised I’ve got to stop doing this otherwise people will make the assumption I’m well and not see the truth of my health. 

    Having tried to keep that mask off has meant the doctor and those at the Job Centre see I’m not as well as I can appear in a signal short period of time. They have suggested I go back on ESA and this will mean the demands of job searching etc are not so strict, but I will still get the financial support I need. The doctor also seems very willing to help and work with me to be healthier and happier. We tried some medication again, but as before it stops me from being able to sleep well and makes my throat and mouth really dry, which makes me swallow a lot and then throw up for some reason. The doctor also had a poke round at my stomach which made me sick. I completely stopped breathing when she did it as well and I felt my whole body have pins and needles (which did happen a couple of times back in 2010 when this first started happening). I laughed about this and focused on my breathing until I felt normal again. This shows there is a strange link between the psychological and physical connection of my stomach and mind. I just don’t know where the percentage between physical and mental health problems can be drawn. I know I’ve done a whole discussion on how they are linked and connected, but I’m sure there is a physical struggle with my stomach, but I worry the doctor will just say it’s all mental. I guess I’ll see how this unfolds as we go.

Waiting for help from the doctor is currently a challenge for me as the waiting time to see her is a month. I have to maintain patience and focus on resting during the free time I have. It just makes very little sense how my stomach and the sickness and fatigue can barely repair each day. It’s like my body doesn’t repair at a normal rate and has been slowly deteriorating over the years that I’ve been dealing with these health struggles. Ultimately theorising serves little purpose right now and I’ll wait to see what direction the doctor suggest we take these health struggles.

   I will continue to rest as much as I can in the meantime and I’ll update the current experience side of my life in a few weeks. The next blog post will be back to the discussion points and it’s a topic I find fascinating. It will cover the ideas behind emotions and the generalised masculine and feminine characteristics and their links to emotion.

Fun: Some people won’t find this funny but I nearly wet myself. It’s a little GTA mod where you play Wolverine from X-Men.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2noT4G5Q0o

Educational: A list of ten potentially helpful books that deal with certain themes relating to mental health and the circumstances that can effect mental health.

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/news/blog/2452_10_young_adult_books_that_reflect_mental_health_issues

Honesty and Trust

Before I begin I just want to put a little update on how I’m doing. The last couple of posts have been about some of the struggles I’m currently facing and I just want to say I’m feeling a bit better than I have been. There’s still a long way to go and I’m doing my best to balance how much I rest and how much effort I can put into things, but I’m okay overall. There is going to be pressure put back on me from the Jobseekers department but with the support of the doctor I now feel I can manage what they require from me.

  

Today’s post is going to be about Honesty and Trust. In the last couple of posts I’ve briefly talked about how I’m trying to be as honest as possible in what I write, even though at times I do struggle with trusting this information to anyone who just happens to read it. So with those thoughts in mind I felt it was time to do a post about honesty and trust.

   I strongly feel honesty is one of the most important things in life. So many problems between people and relationships are caused because people aren’t completely truthful with one another. The lack of complete honesty leads to assumptions being made by others and then assumptions often leads to misunderstandings, then misunderstandings leads to arguments and fights. I feel if honesty is present then trust is built and when you feel you can trust someone then there is a special connection that can help us cope with difficult times. This bond can provide the support that is needed without feeling like we have to protect ourselves or even protect others by not telling them about things. 

   Being honest is easier said than done though, as we don’t live in such an ideal world where we can trust everyone. This is where good judgement and observation becomes important. We have to find people we can trust to be honest with. These people will hopefully be friends or family who will show support, but again this is not always possible, or even the desired option for some people (myself included at times), so a professional, such as a counsellour, might be the best person to talk to who you can trust. In whatever circumstances, having such a bond of trust is remarkable. The burdens can be shared without any concern of criticism and negative judgement and this helps lift the many weights we all carry and keep hidden.   

From a personal point of view, I really struggle to talk about the deeper side of my struggles to my friends and family. I don’t think it’s a trust thing though as  I do trust them, however, I do feel perhaps they wouldn’t understand and I also don’t want to burden them with my worries etc. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing as right now I feel it’s okay for me not to talk to them as that’s the approach I feel is best for me and them. I feel I can contain most of what’s going on in my life and process it, but in the past I have gone to them and opened up and have been honest and it has helped.

   I think it comes back to the common theme of being able to assess what is best for you in your specific circumstances. If you feel you could benefit from talking with someone you trust then I strongly encourage it and if you feel you can process it internally then I encourage this too. It all requires a lot of self reflection, and actually being honest to yourself, and being able to see what will help you and not letting some of the desires to be independent or not burden people get in the way of receiving the help you need. I know my own pride stops me getting help at times. Just writing about all of this has shown me that I need to improve in my ability to seek help and be honest when I’m struggling.

This leads into a bit more discussion about honesty and how sometimes ideas like ‘manning up’ or ‘getting on with it’ can be dangerous. We often think we have to be strong and keep going when deep down we know we need to slow down a bit. The opinions of others really have an impact on this because we worry what others will think if we’re not doing as well as they expect us to, or as well as we think they expect us to. My personal view is to try and not worry about what others think as long as you are honest with yourself and being honest with your limitations so you don’t make yourself more ill. It requires a lot of courage to stand up to how others might respond, but it’s an important skill if we are going to stay healthy, and as a consequence be happier. If people don’t respond compassionately or in an understanding way it says more about them than it does about you.

In respect to people who are on the outside looking in, such as family, friends, work colleges and employers I would encourage more compassion and empathy. Think about how you would feel if you had such struggles and how you’d deal with them and this will give you a better insight that not everything is black and white as sometimes we think it is. Be a friend, be kind, be caring, give good logical advice, have patience, be encouraging, and most importantly be specific to them. If you know them well then you will know the best approach that will help them. I have often noticed that it is easy to offer help than to ask for it, so don’t hesitate to be honest and ask how you can help if you’re not sure what to do. Often we make assumptions we’re helping, but we’re only helping in the way we think they need help, and not in the way they actually need. Just ask in an honest and trusting way and most likely they will thank you for it. They may just have needed someone to actually ask how they can help, so they could feel someone really cared and then they can be honest about any struggles in their life.

If we work to build those types of relationships with others I know we will experience the true essence, connections and bonds of friendship. And from my own experience, that is something certainly worth having. Honest and Trust, and how it applies to many different aspects of life, are a crucial part of this.

Fun and Education combined: Not directly related to what's above, but this is a good discussion about Honesty, Humility and Humour.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTuZmPePCho