Disclaimer- I’m going to be very very honest about my
personal experiences, as I believe honesty is the key to trust and I feel trust
is important when discussing these topics. However, I do know that sometimes we
have to be careful with who we trust, as not everyone can be trusted to
understand or show compassion. I’ve chosen to be honest in my writing, as I
feel I can be, but for a long time I’ve struggled to trust others and kept a
lot of things to myself (Honesty and Trust will definitely be a topic for
another post). I’ve decided to change that as I feel I’ve learned how to keep a
hard shell, while still opening up my heart to write and talk about all these things.
It has taken five years to get to this point so I fully understand if anyone
reading this struggles to open up or trust others as it can be very very hard.
Here is quick list of struggles as it currently stands:
Depression, Chronic Dry Eyes, IBS, Social Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Chronic
Fatigue.
I used, ‘Currently Stands,’ in the title, and above, because
this is a good link to the main body of this post. It is a good link because
health of any kind can change in a single moment; it did for me and still could
get better or worse at anytime.
I guess the best place to start is
to give a brief overview of what I was like as a child because it will provide
some context. Overall I remember being a happy child, despite being very
emotional and sensitive (crying a lot). The easiest way to describe me is to
tell you that all I wanted to do was play football and run around, and that’s
what I got to do so I was generally happy. I’m sure I was more complex than
that, but the previous statement is very close to the truth. As a teen,
however, the negative side of my emotions became very intense. I almost always
struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts, but I learned to rationalise
them as best I could so I didn’t do anything that would hurt the ones I loved,
although there were many times, and still are times, that I would have switched
an off switch if there was one (It’s far more complex than that and I’m sure depression
will be discussed more in another post). I would also have mood swings boarder-lining bi-polar and this stemmed from being a very emotional person and not
being able to control them in a way that I could experience the emotions without
letting them impact my day to day life. Day to day living could be very intense
both positively and negatively.
These moods,
and emotional intensity, were relatively under control by the time I was 17/18
and went to university (It was still a struggle, but manageable). I also
remember having joint pains at uni and my chronic dry eyes was diagnosed at
this time too- in brief, this limits my computer screen time and reading
because my eyes burn and feel like they are being rubbed by sandpaper. No
matter what drops or remedies I’ve used to help they actually make it worse. Resting
them by listening to audiobooks and podcasts has helped, and sleep is really
the only thing that takes the edge off of the pain.
Anyway, as I was saying, this was
all manageable and it wasn’t until the end of university that everything became
a lot more challenging. In September 2009 there were signs of the IBS
(Irritable Bowel Syndrome) occurring and I began to be sick a lot and lost a
lot of weight in several months, only being 10stone and 5ft 8inchs in height, losing over
a stone was not healthy. At this time I had to start testing what I could and
couldn’t eat. It was a very long and unpleasant process. Once I figured out
what I could eat my diet became, and has stayed, very regular. My diet also
became very strange as fluids seemed to make me sick, except apple juice so I started
only drinking apple juice, on rare ‘good days’ I can branch out a little, but
not much. Various stresses both physical and emotional also make my stomach be
sick or I lose my appetite, and I have to work hard to do what helps me get my
appetite back. If I do too many things nausea also becomes an issue and this is
really horrible.
At the same time, winter 2009/10 sleep
problems occurred and adrenaline kicked in a lot, which made it impossible to
sleep at times and I started to feel fatigued most of the time. Also at the same time,
December 09, I had graduated from university and began working nightshifts as
it was easiest job as being a concierge was physically easy and relatively
mentality stress free. Not being in that job anymore I will confess I slept on
shift in the early hours a lot, as without that sleep, and naps during the day,
I would have become even worse and not been able to earn money. That sleep never effected my actual job.
About the same time I also
started getting panic attacks, but didn’t know what it was so it was doubly
scary. This had a massive impact on my life at the time as whatever was
happening to my brain chemistry and psychology meant I was afraid to be around
people. This fear manifested itself in a strange way which was my arms becoming
hypersensitive. Even the slightest touch felt painful, which spiralled into a
psychological fear of being touched on the arms. Even the very thought of it
would make my chest tighten, breathing become rapid, and sweat break out. I
struggled to understand it and with help from the doctor we did clarify what it
was, but only once I had a very serious episode. Once I knew what it was it was
time to learn to cope with it, but a detailed discussion on this will come in
another post.
As a result of all this I had to
stop working and fix myself as I had an epic breakdown. I felt I had lost
complete control over my life and had to build it again. At the start of this
rebuilding I did lose hope as I saw no future for myself in any way that was
happy. As a result, the depression won over and I did take a number of sleeping
pills, pain killers and relaxants which thankfully only knocked me out for 24
hours; I just wanted peace and to stop the pain I felt, and depression can obliterate all rational thought. I know such a choice is
hard for many people to understand, but it was how I felt and I gave up the
fight. I do not justify my action, or confess this bad choice for pity, but I
share it to be honest about even the darkest details of the journey. This way
you can see the whole picture and not a distorted one, and then you take what
you want from all the things share.
After this I was fortunate to
have help and support, and I realised such a course of action was not the right
one and I have built up a bouquet of motivations to help me avoid this choice
again. Repetition of those motivators helped keep me going, and still does, and
I had some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) at that time, and since, which
has helped.
With this, and lots of rest, I
started to get some control again and learned to rationalise the fears by
repeating calming phrases and making sure I regulated my breathing too as that
helps when panic attacks come. Avoiding trigger situations also
helps but this is a tricky one as completely avoiding triggers can escalate
the problem. Once relatively rested I then tried to do some exercise to put on the
weight as eating alone wasn’t working. Very slowly, I did feel stronger and managed
to keep everything balanced. I went back to work in Sept 2010, and although I
had to take several weeks off, sometimes a month, from time to time, my life
resembled some sense of balance and productivity.
There were
other things that helped, which I’ll discuss later but this overview will set
the scene for more posts that are to come. A lot of what has been discussed
relates to Hope and Despair and this will be the title of the next post.
Educational
Link:
OCD (not one I struggle with, but understanding mental
health is all linked so this is just as important to learn about and
understand) and Anxiety:
Depression
and Bi-Polar:
Fun:
Pinecones!
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