People often say, ‘Things will
get better.’ I understand that this statement is made with the desire to uplift
and help a person in bad circumstance, but often such a statement is narrow in
its ability to help. Please don’t misjudge me and think I’m being negative, I
don’t think I am. I do always seek for the positive in life if I can, but I
also seek for the realistic and true, and what actually helps, and this is why
I struggle with the phrase, ‘Things will get better.’
From my own experiences I have learned there are usually four outcomes
when difficult times strike: the situation might actually get a lot worse and
remain the same way; or sometimes bad circumstances actually lead to death or
great loss, and things have not got better at all; but of course there is also
the wonderful outcome when it does get better, but often it gets a lot worse
before it finally gets better.
So, before I go any further, I
want to declare the statement that there
IS always hope, no matter if it gets worse before it gets better, or the
worst does occur, there is always something beautiful to hold on to. Even in
the darkest depression, or even if the struggle is terminal, there is hope for
friends, for family, or for precious memories that have been shared. And even
if those are absent there is almost always time to find hope and peace in many
other forms.
What I’m trying to say is that I personally believe there is always hope
if you choose to see it. I will confess this is a hard statement for me to make
as sometimes I question if I do actually believe this, but deep inside I most
certainly do. I also struggle with my thoughts and feelings about hope as I do
know how hope can vanish and be engulfed by despair when depression hits. I’ve
had to battle this with constant mental repetition of things I’m hopeful for
and things that give me hope. Each person’s list will be different, kind of
like Peter Pan and the happy thought that helps you fly. It has taken me many
years for those hopes to be relatively effective and there are still times when
they are not. At these times I have to use all my power to ride the internal
emptiness until it passes and hope can flower once more.
As I mentioned in the previous
post I did lose hope right at the initial stage of my health problems because
it was so horrible and I didn’t understand it. As I’ve come to understand what
I can and can’t do I’ve been able to cope better, and even though a lot of my
health has very slowly got worse, especially my stomach, I can cope better
because I have become mentally stronger and more patient with my circumstances.
It’s not easy and I hate these limitations at times, but it is now part of who
I am. I have learned to have hope and believe that I can achieve my goals and
do the things that make me happy, or find other things to replace what once
brought me happiness. I confess there isn’t much tangible evidence in my own
life I can use as proof, heck I can’t see how I’m going to earn a living and
find a job that accommodates for my health struggles at this point in my life,
but I have hope and I’m trying my best. In time I hope to give a post update
sharing that evidence.
Another thing I’ve learned from
all of this is that hope is a tricky concept. It can help you fight on and be
the power used to overcome challenges, but it can also lead to great
disappointment, especially when you hope for better things and the struggles
actually get worse. This can be very difficult to deal with. I think goals and
expectations have a lot to do with the happiness/hope or sadness/disappointment
that can be felt. This is true in a general sense, but more so when you could once
do certain things and then can’t, or just not do them as effectively or as much.
For anyone who knows me they know my expectations for myself are very high. I
want to achieve so much and do so much with my life, but when these limitations
first occurred it threw all my plans and expectations into chaos and that’s
when despair hit like a meteor. I did not know how I could/can ever support a
family if I had one, or travel to new places as I wanted/want to, or be the friend I had once had been, especially
as I couldn’t even take care of myself. It hurt so much being so lost.
In time, and as the months and years went by, certain things gave me the
hope that I needed and I tried to regain some hope on what I could and couldn’t
achieve. I had to make my goals and expectations much more specific to me and
realistic to my circumstances (Basic SMARTER goals format). Eventually, I came
to accept these limitations, generally speaking as I still have days where I
scream inside for not being able to say, go for a two min jog without my
stomach wanting to throw up, or have a bank account that isn’t so depleted
because trying to find work and keep a job without getting ill is so difficult.
In those moments of frustration I try to focus on my smaller goals and limit my
expectations so I don’t fall into despair and disappointment.
At the most difficult times I try
to hold on to even the thought that there is hope and this by itself helps. I
tell myself if I keep trying I will sculpture my life into one that makes me
happy. I have to believe that this is possible or it certainly won’t be as my
fears and pains would consume me. I may not know how it will get better as I
have no answer for that, but I have learned the importance of not giving up,
and to keep fighting when I can, and resting when I can’t, then fighting again
etc etc.
In the next post I will give a
personal example and experience of expectations and how they can help and bring
hope, and at times also be bad for you if unrealistic or left unchecked.
A link to something I found educational:
This I found interesting. It’s a
personal experience by an online/youtube gamer named Drift0r. It’s game-play
with very very very profound commentary that relates to hope. Please take a
listen to this as his discussion about hope is perfect, especially the last few minutes. (Note: There is one
swear word).
A link to something fun: I love the ‘How It Should Have Ended’ clips
and this one is a classic; it’s nerd humour at its best.
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