One
of my biggest goals has always been to be more observant and less judgemental.
It has been the desire to see beyond the surface and read between the lines. I
realised in my teens that if I could be good at this then I would be a better
friend, a better family member and a better stranger. I have not always been
good at it, but I have tried to improve it. In the last few years this has been
very hard as often my focus has had to be on my own well-being due do the CFS I
have. I by no means have an extreme case and am fortunate that often I can fake
it so well that over short bursts I can do what seems like a lot. The fallout
of such things goes unseen and I spend many lonely days in bed recovering.
Again, I do not have an extreme case, but relative to me and my nature this
has, and continues to be a difficult experience. I saw a video this week of
someone talking about their experience with CFS and it encouraged me to write a
little something and not shut myself away.
These
days I have become pretty good at accepting this experience, but sometimes I do
over exert myself and break. This last week and a half has been one of those
times and I’ve had to engage a lot of mental strength to stitch myself back
together. Sharing such moments has become a challenge as these days I try to
keep the adventures/struggles to myself, or only share with those who ask and I
trust to not roll their eyes, or at the very least I keep it away from social
media. I do understand quite well how after seven years it gets somewhat
repetitive and dull hearing the same things over and over. However, I have to
beat the withdrawing nature sometimes and share thoughts and feelings.
Below
I have linked the video I mentioned. It covers a lot of the struggles
those with invisible disabilities go through. I liked the speaker’s key message
at the end that there can be hope. Having lost that hope in the past, I know
how important it is to exercise hope and not let it go even for a second.
That's tough when you throw depression into the mix. In those moments when hope
has vanished the act of in-action, until the intensity fades and hope can be
found again, is so important. In a strange way you almost have to hope for the
hope to return.
For both CFS and Mental Health the struggle is painfully slow and uphill, but we can continue to try in our own little way to beat attitudes and change them. Even though difficult at times we can also look for ways to have more compassion, which will hopefully teach others to have more compassion too. I find this very difficult as often when the effects of CFS and depression are intense then finding the energy to do anything is hard. I do believe it can be done though- it just has to be measured over a much larger time frame and takes lots of practice.
I'm
thankful for all those who have shown understanding and compassion to me, especially
when I've needed naps, or to rest, or have not been as accessible as a friend
as once I was. I still love and care, I just sometimes can't be the friend I
want to be or once was. I know I’m fortunate as most people I know do
understand, but for some that is not the case. Those that don't understand need
to learn to read between the lines and have more compassion and understanding. To
me all of life is about broadening our perspective and seeing
the whole picture, or as much of it as we can, and not just seeing the tiny
part we witness at any one narrow point in time. This way there will be less
confusion or assumptions and therefore more kindness, compassion, empathy and
love. It will create connections with each other and the loneliness that can
arise will not have power.
