One Year From The Breakdown

I have been meaning to do an update on this blog for a number of weeks and it is ironic that I’m doing it on the second worst physical health day since I left hospital in July (the worst was yesterday). The world is swaying and moving in all sorts of directions while I sit very still at my desk. I don’t know what it is about the exhaustion, fatigue and not getting enough sleep that causes this level of brain/sensory malfunction and nausea- wow I feel like I'm going to puke everywhere- but all I can do is keep it under control with lots and lots of lying down. Sleep would be better than just laying down, but when I am at this level of over-exhaustion, sleep actually becomes difficult and leads to this level of illness being very hard to temper- hence the actual breakdown a year ago when I lost control of the balance.

It seems to be this time of year that tips the balance (mostly from the clock change), but it is also just a number of coincidences (like the work/move situation last year) that have led to me being active when I should be resting. I regret absolutely nothing of the past week, as these choices are mine to make and I had a lot of fun with people I care deeply for. However, now I must live with the consequences and do my best to rest up so I can function more than just being in bed almost all day. In a few days, as long as I behave, all will be relatively okay again.
   Fortunately I have just been able to nod off for a thirty minute nap and this is a huge win for getting my health back to a level I can cope with. Eventually the sleep will get back under control it just takes time for whatever goes on with my brain/stomach/body chemistry to settle down. 

That’s an update of physical health as of this period of time, but so many wonderful things have happened since leaving hospital and I have been able to balance things very well by being strict on what I do. I have been able to have trips to Scotland and been able to spend time with my family. I started a social group here in Gloucester to try and make some friends and not feel so lonely, and it actually has worked out better than I could have hoped. I have met some lovely people and feel very fortunate to know them. I have continued my writing as best I can, and on Saturday the 7^th of May (5 days from now) a novella of mine will be published.
   I feel greatly blessed by the good things in my life and have learned to accept the challenges of this fragile health balance. Ultimately, I cannot regret or get angry at my health problems any more as in so many cases it is because of my health that I have met such incredible people.  

  

Of course all of the goodness and adventures have to be offset by lots of sleep and naps, but I have been able to do this over the last 10 months thanks to the support network I have. However, as I have mentioned in previous posts the health stuff is ever so slowly getting worse. I do need longer to recover from exertions and have only been able to maintain activity without getting too ill by napping twice a day for 45 mins to an hour each time and getting 9-10 hours sleep. Without that the fatigue and sickness takes over, like they have this weekend after a week of only having one nap a day. It is so silly that such a simple thing has such painful consequences, but that is the nature of whatever is going on with my body. It is hard for one who has such an active mind and desire to accomplish so much in life to rest and do nothing, but as I say I can do this because of all the good people and things I have in my life.

There are lots of exciting adventures ahead, but they will have to be taken at an ever slowing pace, but I have learned to accept this, and am so thankful for the help I’ve received on this journey. I owe so much to so many wonderful, kind and loving people.

Mental Health Discussion and Update On The Last 10 Months

(Potential triggers, but mostly a casual discussion)

In regards to my mental health (anxiety and depression for me), it is still a struggle at times, but only on rare occasions. This is mainly due to the safety net of my support network, as I know I can rest when I need to without fear of all I’m trying to build collapsing around me. However, a lot of the ability to deal with the mental health has come from my own developing perspectives and attitudes (a lot of them were discussed in previous posts before my break down).

One of the main difficulties with mental health is that triggers can be physical and mental and they are also interconnected and feed off each other:

I can suddenly have depressed and/or anxious thoughts (the mental) and this trigger physical things like a change in brain-chemistry, tiredness, increase in heart rate, etc. This then makes the thoughts worse, which can make the physical worse, and so on.

Or,

It can start as a physical- I can be tired, or experience something in the physical world around me that triggers a mental reaction, or randomly have a spike in brain chemicals, etc and this cause the depressive and anxious thoughts (the mental). The thoughts that appear can then make me more tired, change brain chemistry, and make the mental worse, and so on.

To stop the cycle (or break it) I do my best to know what the starting trigger was, whether physical or mental. It helps me rationalise what is happening and see the reality i.e. it’s just a random spike, or it’s the fact I’m not sleeping and tiredness making me feel down etc etc etc

I can then go through my own positive thought repetitions and thought stopping phrases: for me (everyone's different) this keeps the anxiety and depression at bay. What has really helped is focusing on the reality and the truth:

With my depression, all the mental triggers, and thoughts following a physical trigger, are lies, such as, ‘I’m not good enough,’ ‘I’m living a pointless life,’ ‘I will never achieve my goals,’ ‘I’m worthless,’ ‘I’m pathetic’ etc (these are some of the more mild examples), but the truth and reality is the opposite. So any time such thoughts creep in I counter them with, ‘I am good enough,’ ‘My life is beautiful,’ ‘I will achieve my goals in time,’ ‘I’m a good person,’ ‘I have value to so many people,’ etc.
   With practice, a lot of will power, and time, it has worked for me. I have learned to see the wonderful truths about myself that my depression tries to kill, even with the health struggles triggering and amplifying the depression.

With the Anxiety it is very much the same for me. Whether a physical or mental trigger, I become afraid of something that 9.9/10 times isn’t actually going to do me any harm. However, my mind has created pathways to tell me it’s scary and dangerous, and this can easily create dramatic physical and mental responses.
   I have employed the same efforts to see the reality when I have had anxiety struggles in the past. I do my best to see the lies. I often put myself into the fray of my triggers to de-programme the irrational thoughts. I have learned to do it slowly and carefully, and repeat the process over and over and in time have broken a lot of the triggers that cause me my anxiety. I’ve even found telling myself I don’t have anxiety or fear help stop the triggers. By believing I’m not afraid of things, I actually stop being afraid of things.

That said, sometimes the impulse is too strong and requires a lot more time and help to break the triggers. I’m just commenting on how certain things have helped me. Everyone is different so we have to find our own ways of coping and beating the challenges we face. However, the more we share the different ways, and try the different ways, the better chance of finding one way that works to help us in our specific difficulties.

I think that’s most of what has gone on with the mental health side of things over the last 10 months. If you struggle with your own mental or physical health please always seek help and never stop seeking help. You are stronger than you know and an important individual that can touch the lives of others and have a good life even with these challenges. It may not be the life you hoped for, but it can still be beautiful in its own way. Never give up on hope, and realise that sometimes you have to create that hope yourself, or hold on to the hope of others. I often have to draw on the hope of others. 

And with all that said, I need to rest and hopefully sleep. Much love to you all.


Here's a link about CFS if you want to learn more about the condition.
http://www.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/chronic-fatigue-syndrome/print.html