18ish/4/15 to 7/5/15
I haven’t written anything in 6/7 weeks due to a lot of problems, but I’ll
get to that in another post. I’m having to go back and update things and
explain everything fully. The first of which is the effects of the medication,
Sertraline, which leads to all that’s happened since.
The effects from days one:
Very spaced out and unable to focus on day one. Day two was like everything had
slowed down and I felt in complete control and mellow to everything, this was a
nice feeling. The next day this wore off and I had been unable to sleep so was
feeling horrible and struggling to stop being sick. Felt very nauseas, even
with the anti-sickness medication. Started to get strange feelings on the left
side of my face and very heavy on my forehead a lot of the time, like I could
fall over from the weight- I’m not sure how much was tiredness or direct side
effects.
On day seven some of those
effects listed above had gone. This might be because I slept for about four
hours in total, which was an hour more than the previous night. There is a slight
increase in heart rate/intensity.
Day eight very depressed in the morning. Heart
rate very intense all day. I phoned the doctor and was told to stop taking for
a couple of days then one every other day. Later the tranquil feeling came back
and I felt very spaced out.
The above was written at the
time. The following was written on the 13/6/15 in which I’ve tried to recall
the order of things that happened.
The next day, after stopping the
Sertraline, I still had a very rapid and strong heartbeat and mixed moods. I
lost the peaceful feeling by the next day, but think I still had a fast
heartbeat which was getting painful. I actually can’t remember if I kept the
medication going or completely stopped it. All I know is I was having the mood
swings and by Sunday night I was still not sleeping. I was massively depressed
and fed up with all the pain and hopelessness, while also being affected by the
medication. I’m sad to say I finally broke again. I took all the Sertraline and
sleeping tablets in the hope that I would die. Because of the drugs I don’t
remember the next 24 hours but ended up in hospital, although was apparently
conscious and talking etc.
Side Note: Before the overdose
the medication clearly had an adverse affect on me, but has not put me off
trying other types. I think I got very unlucky with the side effects of the
medication, and I encourage people who notice side effects they feel aren’t
right to contact their doctor immediately and not to always push through, but
perhaps try other medication or methods instead.
Overdosing again was such a
terrible choice, obviously, but in my defence, when in such states the future
just looked/looks so hopeless and too hard, especially for a person as weak as
I am. The strangest part with the overdose is that I felt no remorse
afterwards. In fact I barely felt anything inside. I knew I should feel bad but
there was nothing. I had lost my emotions completely, or especially ones I
didn’t want to feel i.e guilt, remorse, empathy, and regret. They just weren’t
there. Even the anxiety settled down and was replaced by emptiness.
Over the next couple of days I
tried to get better and sort my head out for my families sake, but I couldn’t.
One of the toughest things to comprehend was breaking the promise to myself last
time, that I wouldn’t try to end my life again. When such a vow is broken it
shatters reality a bit, as I question how I can come back from that and I
didn’t/don’t know how to come back from it. At the end of those two days I
realised I was empty inside and there was something deeply deeply wrong with
me. I was still having suicidal thoughts and didn’t know how to stop them
anymore. I was afraid I was going to do something so spoke to the doctor. They
made an appointment with the mental health crisis team and they came to see me.
After a long discussion they suggested I go to the mental health hospital and
have the support and help there in a secure environment. I agreed this was for
the best. They took me to the hospital and I felt nothing as we were going
there. I just knew that for my safety I needed some serious help.
I have been there since the
6/5/15 and will write about the experiences, continued mistakes on my part, and
the rays of light amongst it all in the next post.
